BountifulEggnog

All other things being equal, I would absolutely prefer secular institutions. Before I realized I was trans it would have been more of a preference but now I am legitimately scared.

if you were choosing to carry a pregnancy would you have doubts about going to such a place when the time came?

If you can carry a pregnancy/are pregnant I would absolutely recommend avoiding religious hospitals. I have spent far too long with people like that.

I remember hearing about Salvation Army being anti-queer in hiring. Are they generally allowed to discriminate in accordance of their religious bigotries?

Yea basically. There are some amount of legal protections, and even if there weren't, they wouldn't care. A friend told me about this exact situation, HR blatantly telling them they wouldn't hire trans people.

The big mask is pretending to be a boy. No one in real life has gotten to meet who I really am. They all think I'm a happy, normal boy who's just struggling to figure out a job.

I am actually an autistic girl. One who's struggling and stuck.

sad

spoiler self harm, self hatred A girl who really struggles to love herself. Who hurts herself to try and feel better. Who can't cope with what she has to deal with. A girl who wants to be loved and accepted more then anything in the whole world. :::

Specifically about autism though, no one knows. I have tried to tell two people (a friend and my therapist). They both dismissed me. My parents dismissed it as a child. I wear the mask of being neurotypical very well. It hurts, trying to not stim, trying to fit in, trying to not info dump my interests. I have tried very hard to fit in my whole life, and as far as I can tell it has worked. I have successfully hidden myself away, in hopes people would like me. And they do. Or at least what they know of me. I hope as I reveal my true self people still like me. It's very lonely in here.

I really try to be empathetic, or at least be quiet if I can't be. I'm glad you think I'm a good listener though, I really try.

Deleted, I don't want to hurt anyone in here, I care about you all too deeply and I worry my original reply could have been misinterpreted.

Love growing my hair out, very gender.

self harm, eating, weight

I mean I guess, but that's also just self harming. Plus, if I let myself do that whenever I wanted, I'd just end up doing it constantly. Plus I did used to do it hard enough to leave marks, not great to have marks on my arms. And I don't really have a knife anyway.

And not eating has the advantage of making me smaller. Already down some weight in the last few months but the amount I've been eating keeps declining. Need to lose more, some garbage med a while ago made me gain weight and I never lost all of it.

spoiler

My nutrition is pretty bad already tbf, I'm sure cutting my calories down doesn't help.

spoiler self harm I mean its basically just a low level, constant self harm I guess. Its not quite as good but obviously doesn't have some of the drawbacks (like scars). Its distracting, and something about pain just makes the mental pain go away. Plus if I'm feeling a particularly large amount of self hate its nice. :::

spoiler

Well I had some chocolate, so that's kinda a waste of calories.

Plus I feel like when I'm hungry I feel better.

eating

I'm not going to, I already shouldn't have eaten some of what I did.

spoiler

You are much better at conversation then me. Glad you like the snakes though.

I don't have a red marker or anything. I've already settled on what I'm going to do tbh. Thank you for the reminder though. Always like seeing your comments in my inbox.

self hate

I genuinely feel nothing but loathing for everything about myself right now.

spoiler self harm, eating issues Oh also while I'm fucking up the thread I've eaten less then 1000 calories today and am not eating until tomorrow. I'm not going to change my mind this time so don't waste your time trying to convince me. Just have to say it I guess.

edit again: the sucky thing about not eating is eventually you just start getting less hungry, now even 1000 calories is too many. :::

sad, negativity, transphobia, dysphoria, complaining about autism and being pre hrt

spoiler actual congnito hazard shit I'm a fucking removed child. Like actually socially and emotionally stunted. My conversation skills are awful and I have these ridiculous lows. How is anyone supposed to love me? I can't even have an interesting conversation. People will see me as boring, and awkward, and weird. And I am all of those things. A childish, stunted freak.

I'm disgusting and repulsive. I don't see how anyone could genuinely love my body, ever. Maybe settle for it, or look at me as some fetish object. It's awful and manish. So many things from being a man. I literally do not see how I can transition and actually look okay. I don't buy it.

No one loves me and they probably never will. And I can't live my whole life like that.

self harm

Wouldn't be a fucking eggnog sad post without bringing up self harm would it be.

spoiler bad I want to cut my left arm completely open. I can't, obviously. That doesn't keep my brain from wanting it. :::