It was a hard day. Got a message from my landlord saying the police were bothering him because our visas were expired. They weren't. Had to go to the police station and get it squared away. So anxious the whole time. (Of course there was nothing to worry about, but that doesn't matter for emotional regulation). Afterwards couldn't hold it in and ended up crying in public. Went home and could barely stand, my feet hurt from the stress. Ordered safe food from meituan. My partner gets the door, and the delivery river says "I'm glad you're here" in broken English.

This is why I moved here. When I'm so hurt I can't even make eye contact, let alone start up conversations (which I can barely do in English, let alone Chinese), people actually notice. They actually care. So much so that a random delivery rider would go out of his way to speak a language other than his own. I'm so happy I'm alive.

With my last partner I’ve learned quite a bit especially putting my needs and myself first, I am lonely but if I don’t vibe with someone then I shouldn’t just get with them because of what I’m feeling. I have to give myself space and time to find the right person I click with. That being said, I feel somewhat ashamed and sad that the person I’ve been on two dates with might not be compatible with me, they’re very nice, they’re funny, and in the first date I felt we clicked but the second, I just don’t know. I was trying to figure out if it was my self sabotaging behavior preventing me from being happy but I don’t think it is. I like them but I feel like they would be better off with someone more outspoken maybe? I wasn’t feeling too well on the second date either, I was also scared of catching Covid (I have something now so wish granted) and I was generally in a lot of pain, I should’ve said something but I didn’t and when the date was coming to a close I couldn’t do it anymore and said I wanted to go home. I was upset because they were sad and I could tell because they were more quiet near the end, and any reason I had for not wanting to continue hanging out felt like an excuse.

Maybe it’s just me, they know a lot and they’re smart but I feel they’re not my type and they deserve better. I’m just like wallpaper a dull boring person and they’re the opposite of that.

Im gonna increasr the autisms by at least three

Im bad with kids but the other job im training for is with adults 30 minutes by car away so i cant afford that gas to stay there forever

It is very tiresome and painful for me (AuDHD) because of the:

1. Open office setup which leaves me unable to slack comfortably when I have reached my limit, leading me to overwork
2. The forced socializing because I have to negotiate with the rest of the developers and testers, while having to mask throughout the whole day (I reached the point where most days I don't eat with the rest of the devs but I just eat alone to recharge)
3. The fact that most of my working time consists of waiting for the programs to compile, while I just scroll on the phone in waiting mode and feeling very understimulated
4. The long commute (2h back and forth), which combined with the 8h of work have left me with no time and energy for my personal interests. I imagine neurotypicals also suffer greatly from this, but as my interests are a fundamental part of my identity I feel like my self has been completely squashed to fit into the "job mode" box
5. My work PC is monitored so I can't even go into this site or talk with my leftist gf and friend group (also occasional drug users). I need this communication and shitposting time as a break from work yet I don't have it. I feel socially castrated
6. The daily status report meetings force me to work even on days where I can't fucking take it anymore just so I have something to say, and also interrupt me while I am working by forcing a context switch

I just cope by using drugs bi-weekly (pregabalin, psychedelics and dissociatives) but even then instead of enjoying the trip I always come back to venting about work and capitalism to my poor gf

Have you found some trick to survive while working, without getting burnt out? I want to listen to your experiences. If this post isn't appropriate for this comm, feel free to delete it

As yall have seen me post and post, I've been doing freelance AI training to keep myself afloat while looking for a steady job.

It occurred to me a few days ago that when training the AI, you're almost forced to think in a certain way that doesn't really jive with me, and my brain might not be wired for.

I suspect I'm not the only one, but if yall would read it, I'll make some time to get something more formal writted!

I'm particularly looking for time management/organizational stuff that helps with inattentive ADHD, but please do share anything you think could be helpful to anyone else.

jk, of course. honestly feels a little shitty to make this joke, but I know she's not on Hexbear and it helps me feel better about this situation, so 🤷😂

jfc, it is genuinely shocking to understand this as her impression of me – just not at all the social feedback that I am used to

cannot tell you how many times I have been told I come off bitchy and c*nty and self-righteous – that sentence was genuinely astounding and I am still reeling, hence the post

officially AuDHD, with suggestion to seek OCD help as well

if you've been assessed, how did you feel about your results? did it take you a year to fully assimilate them? 😂 feeling like it's gonna take me at least that long to really take all of this in

What I mean is that I have ADHD, I got diagnosed this summer, but sometimes I feel like I don't have ADHD in the right way. I struggl with ADHD a lot, and it really affects me, but for some reason I feel like I'm using it as an excuse or faking my symptoms. Even though I know I'm not?

ADHD affects me very negatively and it makes being in college way, way harder for me than other people. But hyperactivity is less of a symptom for me than other ADHDers (but still a thing), so i feel like im faking my condition.

Like, I have an official, medical diagnosis. Nobody thinks I'm playing up or faking my symptoms. So then why the hell do I get like this?

Also I very likely have autism but diagnosis is very expensive so that's another issue

do any neurodivergence havers also have the issue of trying to balk for like a good few turns from a conversation where you tried to bring up a point or suggest an alternative to something but you misread the room and it turns into what I can only perceive as the other person taking what you thought was an off-hand idea that you have no real attachment to and turning it into their own personal mission to, I honestly can’t tell why so I'll just say how it looks to me, submit to their way of thinking? Maybe they want to change my perspective? Maybe they want to win in the marketplace of ideas?

Anyways, then you’re like stuck in a dialogue loop where you keep saying “I literally have zero real attachment to this idea and I brought it up for the sake of conversation” and they scold me for deigning to bring the other idea up and we will not stop talking about this until I physically exit the room or grovel at their feet in tears begging for forgiveness for my dastardly nonsequitur? Or something else that I genuinely don’t understand? Am I missing something? It feels like a dominance routine from my perspective and it’s happened to me enough times that I think I’m just misunderstanding something?

I thought it was a neurosis I picked up from my conflict-avoidant behaviors but my sister is more confrontational than me and she also has this issue sometimes so I’m wondering if it’s an ADHD thing. Had a convo yesterday with a friend of mine that was like this and I genuinely felt like shit afterwards, it's one of the instances where I genuinely don't know how to amicably resolve it, I'm trying to be pliant and flexible here, please let me exit this conversation naturally I don't want to make this an issue I am trying to communicate that please let me leave please please please

This has happened to me dozens of times and every time it feels like the realization of a nightmare. I’m so genuinely actually sorry for attempting to help you by wantonly-suggesting alternative perspectives to cover what I perceive to be unnoticed angles in what you are saying hoping that maybe it could be rolled into a consensus point that might be helpful, I didn’t think this was a venting/rhetorical discussion, If it was I missed those cues, it will not happen again to you now that I know you do not gel with it, I’m sorry, I’m Harrier DuBois the sorry cop, this is my sorry song, please dismiss me from this conversation so I don’t have to literally walk away, I don’t want to leave lingering resentment for something I genuinely thought was innocuous

you don't have to describe them in detail with dates, not trying to get you to doxx yourself

but it's kind of A Thing with neurodivergent folks to have tried a lot of different jobs, and I'm curious about everybody's count

I think I'm up to 21 that I've filed taxes for, which doesn't seem that extreme for 42, except when you consider that I've been unemployed most of my son's 17 years of life because I couldn't handle parenting and that level of outside obligations, so most of those happened before I was 25 – so 20ish jobs between 15-25

how bout you, how many things have you tried?

Just kinda wondering if any other comrades have this specific thing.

I started hair pulling when I was like 8 or 9 and ended up giving myself a bald spot on my crown for a couple months. My parents noticed and scolded me, no other intervention.

Thankfully, I was able to restrain myself enough to prevent it showing on my scalp. To this day I continue on abnormally dark or coarse hairs, and now that I'm finally getting some grays it is so hard to resist spending and hour or two in the mirror getting them all.

I know this probably sounds weird or gross to most people, I've never been diagnosed with any sort of mental disorder so talking about it is a little weird to me.

I know it has overlap with OCD, and I've had other slight OCD symptoms.

I would LOVE to be able to branch out, but as much as I’ve tried in my almost 30 years, it always ends as nothing but a wet fart. Most of the people who I do vibe with (and who tolerate me) exist in the form of potential romantic interests and it just doesn’t work out. I can’t find that “line” of platonicness and romance. From that perspective then, I guess it makes sense why my friendships/commections ceased formation in my adolescence. Doesn’t make it suck any less though lolololol

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/3796123

What do your weekly meals look like for you and your fam? I generally enjoy cooking, what I don't enjoy is the negotiations that come with cooking, and with kids, it's even worse. I'm also the kind of person that could eat the same 5 dishes for a year without much fuss or question. That's the ADHD lodged in my brain for you.

The negotiation, or even the anticipation of negotiations, makes me agitated. If I could, I'd be a food dictator, but that's not how living with people works. It's annoying enough to me that I often push it to the back of my mind and just "figure it out" on the fly. That's not conducive to making good choices, though, only convenient choices.

If I'm going to do most of the cooking, I'll want a schedule of meals, so I can both plan, anticipate, and head-off any objections. I struggle with being assertive on this point, and I'm told often, "We don't need to do that much planning." Which, as someone with ADHD into my late 30s, I know is not true, and I do need that much planning if not more. Structure is something I need, and the kids at this age obviously thrive off structure as well.

So anyway, how do you tackle this? I need to get this sorted out for myself, but also for my kiddos. Kiddo 1 just had an annual checkup and is low on iron, and is growing increasingly picky about food. Kiddo 2 is still in that "I'll try anything in front of me." phase, and getting this sorted out now hopefully means I can avoid the pickiness down the line.

I'm going to cross post this in !neurodiverse@hexbear.net & !food@hexbear.net as I think it has some clear overlap.

That’s like the one of the only ways I’ve managed to meet people (THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE LIFE) and it sucks so so fucking much because finding someone who is reciprocative to that type of shit is so damn hard-especially in the era of instagram reels and TikTok

Is there a way to learn to socialize “normally” I’ve learned that I’m going to be very lonely if I don’t figure out how especially with my current career (god this just reminds me of how soulless my current job is)

I’m really starting to learn how my brain chemistry almost lines up with my politics (as in how I am foolishly passionate about how I would prefer everyone be forced to live with the same amount of resources and be forced to understand how it’s not about the community.

But yeah sometimes that shit comes out at inopportune times and I have legit seen it make my friends lose their jobs

But yes this still explains why I need to learn better acceptable small talk and how to approach bringing up that small talk without seemingly coming out of nowhere

I got a respiratory infection and got prescribed Prednisone to fight it. The Prednisone has been helping, but has made my symptoms of schizophrenia a lot worse, including dangerous mood swings and tweaky paranoia. Does anybody have any suggestions for dealing this this?

so horrifically in touch with everything I'm bad at, every way I just do not fit what other people expect

tell me you know that feel, please

SOMETIMES an autistic elder statesman like myself might have like, gone through a hypersexual phase and then chilled out. Which is sort of me, but also sort of not.

Also this: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DA8xUiNufSQ/

Something like those Japanese jackoff boxes that are in crowded spaces but instead it's a soundproof box with climate control and dimmable lights for calming the fuck down.

I'm at a theme park with my kids today and it's very not chill.

with the right (small-ish usually) dose, set, and setting it really is a mental performance enhancing drug. increased social performance, introspection, novel ideas, even some memory recall.

does this say something about my neurotype?

With my first day with real energy in awhile being coupled with two temper meltdowns, (theres been a recent med change I should mention, but every one we have seems to just vacciltate between these two states). I feel like Im just... Im either a destructive ragebeast OR a useless sleepy flop who cant do literally anything.

I really dont want to live. I really dont want t fucking live. I'm so tired of this constant fucking struggle. I cant just have a good fucking day. I'll never accomplish anything and Ill keep hurting people and i just. Im so fucking exuasted (not literally because i still have energy, just tired of this gbullshit)

generic Adderall is back in stock at my pharmacy 🎉 was really starting to worry they weren't going to get more until next calendar year or whenever the annual quotas reset or whatever, but I got both 30 mg xr for me and 20 mg xr for my son

so, check yours, it might be back for you, too

also, the one tech at my pharmacy that has never once been anything but barely civil with me was finally nice to me this week, which has given me another little data point that affirms my impression that pharmacy staff treats me better after having bought the name brand.

have you had that experience?

the same thing happened at two other chains: there would always be a couple people on staff who were a little gruff with me in a way they weren't with other people in line ahead of me, until the day I bought name brand from them.

(a third place treated me so poorly after they pulled my info up in the computer the very first time I went that I cried on the way home and never went back. )

my suspicion is that they're generally skeptical of anyone getting stimulants, but if I'm "willing" to pay a couple hundred per prescription per month for it, then I become less sketchy because obviously I and my kid "really need it."

it's possible that they just suddenly see me as pitiable; I'm sure my voice and face change drastically in the seconds after they tell me the generic isn't available.

or maybe I seem less likely to sell it if I can "afford" hundreds of dollars for the name brand.

nevermind the actual situation, which is that I'm only able to "afford" it or "willing" to pay that because I can beg my family for help, and there are plenty of people (who need it to have any executive function just as much as my kid and I do!) who just Do Not Have That Option.

when this happens to me, it makes me wonder how they treated everyone who couldn't afford the name brand. are they even more suspicious of them now?

I don't have a better theory for their line of thinking, and surprise surprise, the logic doesn't even hold up, imo. I could even see someone being more tempted to sell a couple day-off doses to recoup some of those hundreds they spent on the name brand – you do occasionally need to eat, after all.

thank you, Puritanical Culture and War on Drugs

I am currently re-researching ADHD management (for gods know what time already) after wasting the entirety of the past two days.

Wherever I go, I only see people talking about medication. How good it is, how to approach it, what to expect from it, how it was impossible before meds, how to treat them, etc.

I cannot obtain meds. Stimulants are illegal in my country. Strattera isn't, but I am afraid that I will not be able to pursue diagnosis for reasons I am not going to share here. Please do not tell me how good meds are - there is nothing I can do to have them.

I tried organising my thoughts, having a schedule, and so on (org mode in emacs), but I have forgotten about it, every single time I tried it. I have set up a periodic notification to remind me of it, I quickly started ignoring that.

What can I do to make it better? How can I make sure that I will not just forget to do the things that make it better? How can I make sure that I will not outright ignore the things that help me?

If I have to go through and delete or check off each of the 20 preset tasks one by one I am uninstalling your app