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late night anxiety posting
Ah, if only there was reliable feedback you could use to gauge how a social thing is going... Loprazolam I miss you...I know that's way too literal and maybe gamified a way to look at talking to people, like it's not a system with rules, not really, even though neurotypicals say it is. But while I've been pretty content just going at it and yapping with people, there are definitely times where a thing happens and I desperately wish I could tell if it's the result of me being a huge fuckup or not.
Sometimes you just get left with nothing to go on, which is awkward and also leaves me wide awake at 7am combing over the same couple of conversations repeatedly trying to figure out if I did something stupid, which is extremely nerve wrecking seriously stop please.
Has anyone figured out how to git gud at not having anxious breakdowns like this, without needing to be medicated or whatever?
It’s learned and certainly not going to be an overnight fix. Just continuously having conversations and getting better. At least that is what worked for me. Though my ex did always say I was extroverted even though I’m AuDHD, so maybe it was a little more natural. Taking your mind off of the worrying of whether or not you’re doing something wrong and just enjoying your company always helps too.
As for the thoughts, just find ways to distract yourself and let the thoughts slide away. Sooner or later, not dwelling on them will become second nature.
For the record, this is all personal experience. Everyone is different. You do you at the end of the day.
I mean I can agree that it gets better with time/experience and that's always good to remember... Also being extroverted and AuDHD is rad tbh.
The trouble I have, I guess, is that I can distract myself pretty well during the day, but when it's time for bed I end up laying awake, eyes closed, brain immovably focused on whatever anxiety thing I just wanna go to sleeeep... I geeet it brain, you decided I fucked up. Can I sleep now?
I have a lot of brain related sleep issues like this and Idrk what to do about em :/
That's a good point and a problem I've had in the past. What I've done to resolve this, personally, is to turn on my TV with the sleep timer, and put on something calm that can eat my attention, but not to the point where it'll keep me awake. The type of videos that work for me are Japanese bakery videos. Might try something like that.
not sure if this is anything but could help
I have been nervous about social situations for a while for the exact reason you said: I never know how it's going. I am kinda always second guessing myself and what I find is that my mind is just spitting these sort of anxious thoughts out really quickly. So for me there is value in forcing my brain to slow down, sometimes it's me distracting myself and sometimes it's me sitting still trying to just observe the nasty thoughts. When they're slower, I recognize what for me is essentially a script of self-hatred. Not really any organic or in-the-moment thoughts.So, I tell myself that I'm not good but I don't even really believe that when I beat myself up. And it's the same kind of thing with mistakes. I literally keep thinking about dumb shit from 2019, and even though I have the insight to reflect, I am still trapped in wondering if I did something stupid. There's this recognition more and more that my brain is using this like a chew toy, I'm making myself anxious for fun!
I am often caught in a literal way of relating to people! I'm currently trying to talk myself out of there being a "right number of times" to reach out during a week or "does this warrant texting someone". Because I'm so caught up on these things that I just don't text. I want to be better connected, and that desire is starting to outgrow my fear of saying something stupid.
Again, not sure if this is anything, but I relate very much to your comment
A+ comment, I completely relate to this. I think there's a grain of truth to this:
for me too, but my current theory is that being miserable is the easiest thing in the world. I want more than that, though, so I fight.
Oh for sure, I've faced misery as a default on and off for a long time. I have to work to be happy, but when I get there it feels like it was worth it.
oh waow
Why would the brain do this, it causes us distress so surely we should not?
But for me, at this point I get more anxious about ambiguity than anything else. There are situations where it's like, if I could even tell clear-cut whether it was my fault, I could deal with it better. I tend to get huge spikes of anxiety when there's no sensory input, socially, like I don't get any feedback...
This is awesome, love to see it. There is no "right number of times" for anything social related! Message people, cause problems ✨ For me it is also hard because, uh I genuinely annoy people a lot of the time, literally I talk too much. That might sound like an eyerolling anxiety self hate thing, but I talk at extreme lengths to the point people have just quit in the past. So Idk, I just wish I could go to bed without my brain wondering if I've fucked up, not sure...
Brains are confusing
I relate to this so much, and I find that I have to rely on myself to interpret things. Which is, like, terrifying, because if I misread things I might feel super embarrassed. I'm very much used to relying on someone else's opinions
Sadly I am pretty much the opposite, I am quiet to the point that I can't engage and others don't know how and neither do I. It's frustrating because I can't hate myself but also, hot damn I would like to change this about myself. I wish I had better insight for this specifically
No kidding...
I have very much got into the habit of just not making any assumptions or interpretations beyond the very literal. I must be infuriating to talk to but lol
If you find a really weird special interest that you really like, maybe it'll drive you to talk more? :3 The vast majority of my social motivation is talking about weird stuff, Idk.
Interpreting is annoying
Beyond the core assumption that people don't want to talk to me, I have avoided interpreting to an intense degree, in that if people don't talk to me I assume that means they just don't want to. If I initiate a conversation, and the other person doesn't initiate the next time, I am left in analysis paralysis and we often don't talk again. It's like I want someone to run in and slam the "Executive Function" button for me.
I grew up watching reality TV so sometimes I use my imagination and pretend I'm in a confessional on an island in Panama, or whatever. It's a framing device for me and only me lol
I have interests that I go nuts for, I just get caught in this assumption that people don't want to hear about it. Because if I talk and nobody responds, I get very caught up in why people didn't respond. I'm fighting years of post-game analysis every time I say something and wonder what people think. I want to understand so I can improve. But the world just at large doesn't care if I specifically understand things, so...
yeag
Aaaaaaaaaaa me shouts to every connection that died due to this!!!
Yeah, I mean it's kind of like this. I can tell you with complete certainty that probably 90% of the time when I post long rambling yapsessions about some weird novella nobody has ever heard of, nobody cares. I'm just going off into the void most times, and if someone replies that's rad. There aren't any negative consequences for it, so why not right?
People "don't respond" for such a wide variety of different reasons, and I can tell because I've had people here speak up to the effect that they enjoy reading my trash (???) which I greatly appreciate, and which also surprised me because they'd never said anything to me once, lol. Our minds catastrophise about the worst possible reasons but I find it's usually pretty mundane stuff. If anybody hates my guts for being an annoying yapper they have not made it known :3
Same same.. Its so difficult. The ambiguity is killer...
YES. I am working on internalising this.
If there's a part of being autistic I actually truly loathe, it's this. Being incapable of reading social cues or whatever on its own is not awful, but it leaves me drowned in anxiety sometimes and aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You just send people however many messages you want, you just talk to em a lot and it's great y'know... Their inboxes full, their minds full, with our incredible yapping...
yes. yes... sigh... it is such a struggle at times. makes me very glad for the little breaks I get from being a Human Adult(tm) when I can just become a lesser creature and everything can be simple.
Also, text conversations can be helpful too.
fuck yes I love this framing. my messages are a gift lmao, why would any reasonable person be upset about them? I never feel bad receiving messages from people, so this really should be one of those "treat yourself how you treat others" moments...
god I wish that were me
Oh yeah I mean, imagine talking to people irl???
Exactly this You're gettin it now!
I smoke weed, lie awake and distract myself knowing that tomorrow the anxiety will probably be a bit less bad. I wish I knew of any better remedies
Sorry I still haven't been to the weedstore since we last spoke been busy but I try to keep that in mind
Lol I had forgotten about that conversation. I can still recommend it
Disidentifying from my thoughts has helped. It leaves me wanting something to identify with and finding nothing, but I’ll be fine. There is a mechanism that keeps catching RSD in the act and disengaging.
How do I do this pls =)
Btw this is mindfulness but whole-er. I extrapolate from my experience and what I’ve heard that other autists would see through the absurd contradiction in the mainstream suggestion that some thoughts belong to the self and others do not.
I have seen your other posts and I'm not sure I fully grasp what I'm reading, other than the obvious. Also if you brought me orange book posting I would probably bully orange book, that is my new bit...
That’s alright and understandable. I should not expect anything to be the same. I think I am going to stop trying to drag people onto the path to ultimate reality who are not perpetually befuddled by existence. Still, I must recommend mindfulness and meditation. You can do the other practices without fully understanding it, but honestly just note sensations and watch them pass.
spoiler
Currently being mindful of my RSD at this sensical event and y’know? It’s not too bad.I will interest trade you reading Nevada for practicing insight.
Insight practices
https://www.mctb.org/ https://youtu.be/GYAremovedgbbM (I pirated this guy’s book on Anna’s archive) I also listened to a lot of Revolutionary Left Radio on Buddhism. I have read way to much about Buddhism but honestly it’s not necessary. I took “thoughts aren’t you” seriously first when Breht explained his OCD. I turned it into an OCD thing crushing every thought that implied it was me due to black and white thinking. Now I can see through that mechanism as also not me and my relationship to thoughts is better.Essentially pay attention in daily life to the three characteristics of all things: impermanence, non-self, and suffering. Pay attention to bare sensations stripped of ideas imposed upon them (though those can also be analyzed with the senses). Pay attention to that which appears to be “you” conscious that it can’t be you because it is temporary and you cannot see yourself temporarily.
Also gotta recommend daily vipassana and nothing/open awareness meditation.
There are some risks which are mentioned in the sources but if you’re like me you have more to gain than lose. There is a “safer” slower route going concentration first, but with ADHD insight first is probably better (sense/attention sensitivity is a bonus tbh). If you awaken the after glow can help you actually learn the concentration stuff, which is cool.