rtstragedy

joined 1 year ago
[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 1 points 4 minutes ago

no apologies needed

spoiler

brainrot

yeah, I get into this further in my reply to lilypad below, but this is some worms I picked up from the internet, my mom, etc.

Daily reminder 'under patriarchy men are default, women are defined by their relation to men'

right, yeah, that makes sense. i remember that bit now.

Kara Acceleration...

:) in more ways than one! my posting too, it was also... accelerated.

I'm really glad to hear that this dorky manifesto was so good for you. It did this for me too tbh ✨

fuck yes

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 2 points 13 minutes ago* (last edited 11 minutes ago)

it happened againok i'm at work, i'm working, need to work the working, so this post will be short (she is lying)

Oh no ofc, I just appreciate all rodents and other similar Lil Guys. I mean what are cats if not oversized rodents?

damn totally, i love animals, allergic to cats tho :(

if the soviet gubmint was oppressing the church, good, lmao.

i uh don't use this language in front of them, but I have been to Russian churches, and seem what that kind of belief system provides. I ... secretly ... agree, completely. It fucked me up, I'm thirty-X years and still struggle with things from it.

by like cutting them off for a decade, classic strat I use it myself.

haha many such cases

I do not do this :3 I am the weird autist everywhere I go.

this is why I like you & magi, I love this. I'm sick of hiding, it's so much effort. And if I have to hide, I want to minimize the amount of time I'm doing it. I was masking 24/7, even from Safe Partner, before I discovered what it was. I'm finding myself unable to mask in some situations, now that I know what it is (and I'm also finding that I was not masking already in a lot of ways) - I have a problem presenting anything but authentically. I can't lie or even lie by omission (as I'm sure you've noticed, I give big answers to small questions because, in part, I want no room for misunderstandings).

Although I do engage in the "mask and just talk about safe topics" because am I gonna explain Unjust Depths or even Wayhaven to my 60something year old dad???

tru, I have not mentioned Wayhaven, but I would probably talk to him about Unjust Depths (once I read it) just to confuse him or to rant about communism lol. They like hearing about communism from me, he feels very seen when I start talking about it, my mom too I think. He usually likes it when I rant for an hour or two, but sometimes I feel like I should at least attempt to talk about things he might be interested in.

I did make him really mad by saying that the existence of Russia as it stands is entirely the west's fault, lmao.

based, let's hope it's the kind of mad that turns into eventual agreement.

Yeah sounds breddy gud honestly =)

thank you for reading!! i never know how long anything I write will be, it can be tough to figure out how much I have to say until I'm actually saying it, and I try not to give only partial thoughts. Every serious post is all in for me, unless I am tired or distracted.

This makes me snort, and Tactics Ogre Enjoyer's Wife? I said to wifey that of all possible things to be identified by, that's a pretty good one, lmao.

I call magi Goth Wife, actually (I hope that's ok!!!). I'm glad to hear you talk about me, I thought I was being weird doing the same with Safe Partner. At least knowing it's mutual helps haha. I've called you Tactics Ogre Enjoyer since I saw you posting about Tactics Ogre, before we started really talking and while I was still too scared to post. I will try to update my mental model haha, but it may take a while. (also, how to pronounce magi? "maj-eye"? "mah-jee"?)

(this is extremely weird sorry...) I struggle to try to explain the nickname thing, I do it for some people. There's something weirdly intimate about me in particular referring to a person by a name that could be given to an actual human, it's like saying they're a close friend, or that I would be sad if they stopped talking to me or disappeared. (100% not an issue on the receiving end, dw). Maybe it's that I get a lot of emotions about people easily, and this lets me kind of keep a polite distance to protect myself. That's the best interpretation I have right now, maybe hold off reading too much into it as I'm not totally confident this is 100% me fr fr yet. I use nicknames for fun, too, they're usually fun to say, and it's 100% used as a term of endearment.

Of course, I figure I'm the only one that thinks this way, since it's really really weird lol.

I will attempt to affect "Kara" though, saw on your Wayhaven save!! Very cool!!

oh shit, actually, was the last name on there?

My wife and I went back and forth for ages about its pronounciation and still stumble over it often!!! Grrrrrrrr joke too good!!

it's a unique vocal thing I do, I mix up phenomes in words, sometimes I swap back and forth between correct and not. Words like stragedy, stanima, etc. I didn't notice until people pointed it out, but I kinda refuse to change it. It's how I talk, people should deal with it, and I refuse to change it because I think it's cute and I already spend a lot of energy talking as is without worrying about it. soviet-huff if anyone I knew IRL read this post they'd probably know my online handle from this lol, show yourselves cowards

edit: struggling with pronouns sorry!

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 2 points 53 minutes ago

In my family, it was certain imagery, but I was young, so I interpreted it to mean "anything that I enjoy 'too much,' " because I enjoyed a lot of things that internet people, my church, my grandparents said were evil.

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 3 points 58 minutes ago

damn i fucking live for posts like yours, let me get in there

there's gonna be some brainworms discussion here

Like it would be patriarchal to take that label for myself

So, this was a reference to a moment I enjoyed from Orange Book, but it is honestly something I've felt. This is some Janice Raymond shit that I've internalized from being on the internet most of my life. I am working on this (which is why I'm reading Orange Book and why I enjoyed being accelerated so much), but it's stubborn, and I do have this feeling of "invading women's spaces" in changerooms etc. I simply do not go to women's spaces.

I was in the hospital a few years ago due to gallstones (ow btw), and I was in the ER at first, but eventually they moved me to a surgical ward, and I honestly did not know until I saw it on a form somewhere that this was a capital W Women's space. I felt uncomfortable - I don't belong here, I'm not a "real" woman, do they know I'm trans? Do I pass too well? Was the change in my forms too successful?!

Everyone was very nice. And they all knew. It was meant to be gender affirming, and while I appreciated having my stated gender validated, and everyone was very very kind (I was emotional at a couple of bits because I was scared and they were so reassuring) I felt more at home in the ER where gender wasn't a factor.

Maybe I felt this because of brainworms. Maybe I felt this because I don't really see myself as a capital W Woman. It's hard to tease all of it apart.

like, for myself, i wander between i guess woman, woman-adjacent, and agender/wtf-is-gender-stop-asking-me-weird-questions.

Honestly, I'm not sure where I'm going to end up, but I think you're really getting into the direction I'm leaning here:

I guess to me its not an issue of being a woman, but rather an issue of performing womanhood coupled with being seen as a woman.

This 100%. It's hard to say I am "being" anything except me. What is being, anyway? All gender to me feels like a performance, I like acting a certain way, I like dressing a certain way, but that's not a statement of being. My true self is kinda meek, my voice apparently sounds really fem (according to Partner) even when I'm not trying (I never try anymore), my mannerisms are "cute," apparently. But that isn't a statement of being, I just kinda fit the role of "woman" more naturally.

Learning that agender people can still present fem has been a revelation. Maybe that's where I'm leaning, due to all of this.

Because its rooted in a class system concerned with perpetuating not just individuals but society, womanhood and manhood and any gender cannot exist in a vaccum or without being seen by others.

Yeah, agree.

Or I guess, it could be in the sense that one observes onesself? Like, thats what were doing when we apply labels to ourselves, were observing ourselves as we would another, just with the added benefit of knowing our internal states far better than anyone else could.

huh... i'm not sure why that seems so weird to me. maybe this is just a me thing, i have trouble with labels without specific criteria. Autism? I can check off the boxes. ADHD? Literally diagnosed. Gender? I have to decide for myself, and the labels are fuzzy, and I get to just pick whatever.

If I have to pick something, I will pick nothing, at least today, lol.

But the performative nature of identity is supee important imo, and to me explains a lot of my thought and feeling about who&how I am.

Yeah, that makes sense to me. I feel like my entire life has been a performance due to masking though, so right now I'm trying to go deeper and figure out what's beneath. The core identity of me, if I'm being real, that's beneath any concept of gender.

we should rather (imo) speak of it in a non-stative or otherwise transient way.

YES OMG THIS FR FR. I think this suits me better, "being" hurts my head. I'm "doing" woman at work (but more like "tomboy"), I'm "doing" non-binary femme online, I'm "doing" agender to my parents (this is a compromise for them), and sometimes I "do" ultra-femme at home. I never do anything on the male end anymore, but that's just me.

Gender fluidity can kind of be used this way, but because of our language its still spoken of in a stative manner, and using it in that way feels wrong, because its misappropriating a stative label to describe a nonstative experience.

I was literally just about to say that I don't really like the label "genderfluid" because it's too restrictive, myself.

reject markov chain interpretations of self, we cannot divide a person infinitely into a series of states, we are not a computer!

speak for yourself i'm rewriting myself in Rust

The missing part for me was that sex arises from gender, not the other way around.

totally, good point!

Like, imo we can re-sex ourselves.

I Changed My Sex Last Year? (idk this reminded me of another post)

For a binary example, a penis can be a deeply feminine sexual organ, a vagina can be likewise a deeply masculine sexual organ, depending on how we apply gender to it.

yeah, I won't get into this but I'm struggling with my born-in uh physical attributes at the moment as I plan for bottom surgery. How much is framing? How much is actual dysphoria? What if my particular discomfort is about the incongruity with the role I'm expected to play?

idk really how to conclude this

lol, just like me fr fr

ill close by saying gender is fucky and we should roam free among the hills and plains of it, not be confined to penns and fenced in areas.

agree, i don't want to put whatever's going on in here into a box anymore.

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 2 points 1 hour ago

i have the "cute or pathetic" question all the time in literally everything i do. in your case, it's 100% cute tho

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 6 points 1 hour ago

i upbeared your post without a shred of irony like half an hour ago, i am dum.

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 2 points 1 hour ago (1 children)

I don't use an umbrella, usually a hood though and I don't mind being soaked c: Your umbrella sounds cute though. The bus when it's raining is nice too ^^

that makes sense! i feel like the odd one out in this town, very few people use umbrellas. It was the same in Big City. But I like them, haha, even if it's a pain to get them on the bus and they make my pants wet because of having to stick them between my legs so it doesn't get in people's way. I also used to carry a violin on the bus as well (I had lessons after work) ... it was quite something

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 3 points 2 hours ago (1 children)

If I was gonna live in Skyrim, it would be Whiterun. Because of this video, in part. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_IONpQkuiY (but mostly because it's familiar and I like the people)

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 2 points 2 hours ago (1 children)

Core memories unlocked seeing that dome.

this is my absolute favourite part about hearing people talk about silly little games on the internet. I feel like I'm reclaiming my childhood from the weird version of Christianity I grew up, which taught me a lot of self-hatred.

One of my favorite moments is rounding the corner to the stairs near the beginning and seeing the dinosaur (?) leap into the water.

huh, interesting. I don't remember that at all. Is it possible you're referring to the guy who gets tranq'd in the intro? I think it's implied he gets dumped in the lake in the original. here's how it looks in the remake, he's just sleeping, no Rivenese were harmed in the making of this game lol.

I found this screenshot from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMIMIC41SO4 this random playthrough I searched up, my gaming comp is downstairs haha

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 3 points 2 hours ago (2 children)

I didn't want to get sidetracked when writing the post, but I did write a little bit about it here as a response to RiotDoll's comment if you're interested https://hexbear.net/comment/5405003 .

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 3 points 2 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

My parents were way too edgy to ever take a satanic panic seriously, but other than that i felt this post deeply.

yes, well uh, i took it seriously, since i guess i didn't understand that it was kind of a bit. i would have people like my grandma whine about "devil music" and stuff, and read the things online, and then do regular purges of the things that brought me joy. Partner bought me the strategy guide for my birthday this year, so that's a little piece of my childhood that I've now reclaimed. I have some other ideas for posts about childhood things that I'm trying to reclaim, but maybe for now I will take a bit of a break from essay writing, haha. Uploading the images takes a while.

edit: whoops accidentally hit send

Are you me?

i mean, it's possible, but we do have a different pfp and technically different pronouns, but I wouldn't discount the possibility...

I picked up the riven remake recently and it was like flashing into my 10 year old self just absolutely in awe of that fucking game.

fuck yeah

Gonna go play some more in a bit, awesome op.

thank you very much!

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 3 points 2 hours ago

it was going to be a lot longer, but uh, well, i didn't want to take months on it lol, so instead i took a week instead. i had to cut a couple images because i felt the rate-limit-to-payoff ratio was tilted too far in the "i want to do other things tonight" direction, haha. but thank you!

 

(note: the camera mode in the remake was all over the place for gamma adjustment and had all sorts of oddities. i hope you get the impression from the pictures anyway. wtb a keyboard with a print screen button)

(also note: this is like my first ever post on this site, feel free to idk take it down if this is the wrong spot or something)

I love game environments. Here's a shortlist of games I love because of their environments:

  • SOMA
  • Subnautica
  • probably other ocean games
  • Skyrim (because I like snowy mountains, ask me about my childhood cross-country train ride)
  • Riven

I probably wouldn't want to live in the world of PATHOS-II (SOMA), or on 4546B (Subnautica) because of the real actual dangers, but Riven's danger feels a lot more abstract. So the world is ending, whatever, that's Atrus' problem.

myst, cyan, etc.

I played Myst as a tiny thing, somewhere after Reader Rabbit and Mario is Missing and before Half-Life. I liked it fine, spent a bunch of time with it, but couldn't crack the puzzles. I was like not even 10 lol.

I remember being fascinated by the Making Of Myst video that came with the CD version of the game. The scene of the sound designer blowing bubbles into the toilet is a thing I think about a lot. It's 15 minutes, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5af74KuJZE

intro about the game

But, when I got older, my dad bought me a copy of Riven. The game came on 5 CDs (which I unfortunately no longer have, due to the Satanic Panic). I'm playing the Steam copy for this one, but I own the remake on gog due to drm-free.

Riven was my absolute jam. It Fucking Slaps. It Rules. It's a sequel, but it looks better. It's bigger. The puzzles are more intuitive. It includes a setup screen that instructs you how to not only calibrate your monitor but also your speakers, with examples of dark/quiet and bright/loud to compare.

The tram rides are sick as hell. Each island has its own vibe. The sound was such a huge factor and it felt so real to me on my tiny CRT and $5 computer speakers.

And, someone bought me the strategy guide. Here's a picture of it:

The graphics absolutely still hold up. Sometimes, when I look at Myst Island, I see how small the ages are these days, but by comparison, Riven has so many places to be.

Each island has its own CD, generally, and while there are 5 islands I actually can't remember what the 5th disc was used for, lol.

I'm not going for complete coverage of the game here, this post is already really long, and I doubt anyone is going to read it all, lol, so I'll just highlight some things.

temple island

Okay, so you start on what you'll later find is called Temple Island, and in here is the most infamous and ANNOYING puzzle of the game (you know, other than the math).

The Rotating Gate Room Puzzle sucks, imo. It is cool, if it's the first time you are playing the game. It is bearable, if you are able to skip the movement cutscene (I believe you had to time it right IIRC). In the remake, you cannot skip the movement animation. It is so tedious.

But it is iconic and it's one of the first puzzles in the game and sets the tone. This puzzle is a feast for the eyes and the ears. The gate room, it looks like this:

All of those scarabs on the wall have stained glass portraits in them, depicting the religion of the people of Riven.

Behind the first door is The Dome. THE DOME. It is gigantic. It is golden. It is the focal point of Riven, by far the most iconic landmark in the game. Here are two pictures of The Dome:

Here is a picture of the inside of the Dome (no, it's not as important. who cares, it's The Dome):

And, when you spin the gate room, there is a multi-layered, complex sound of stones moving, gears turning, the creaking of heavy things not normally willing to move. This sound teleports me back to being a tiny thing, before puberty, before dysphoria, before I learned that the way I acted, moved, and felt were "wrong." All that existed was this world, for me. And this annoying fucking room.

You interact with very few people in Riven. This is great for me, for reasons that should be obvious. I'm sure, to a lot of people, that this would creep them out. I find this calming, personally. I love these big and lived in environments, and I like being able to explore them without too many people to get in the way. There are still people in Riven, they're just hiding.

Sure, at the beginning, Atrus is all there talking about his wife, his dad, something about an apocalypse, and the plot is interesting, but I don't care about that. I want to fucking live here. I'm serious. I will live in those tiny fucking huts. Here's a picture of the tiny fucking huts:

(Yeah, how even do these houses on the left even work? like, the door is on the bottom? If you open the door, does all your shit fall out?)

Anyway, the gate puzzle isn't that complicated. Here's a picture from the strategy guide:

You just have to unlock the gates in the right order by spinning the room a billion times to get into the dome.

I get a bit fuzzy about the order of things on Temple Island, actually, because the layout of Temple Island changed in the remake a bit.

There's one more area on Temple Island. Look at this chamber:

It's neat. Says a lot about the world in its design. Of course, this isn't a happy game about good things. Maybe I should talk about the plot for a minute.

the plot

Okay, so you've probably played Myst. The idea is that you, the player, come across a random book at some point (I think this is supposed to be on Earth), touch the page and do a little whoopsie and you end up on the shores of Myst Island.

Where did that book come from? Well, my video game dad, Atrus, dropped it into a thing called the Star Fissure. This is the opening line of Myst:

I realized, the moment I fell into the fissure, that the book would not be destroyed as I had planned. It continued falling into that starry expanse of which I had only a fleeting glimpse. I have tried to speculate where it might have landed, but I must admit, however— such conjecture is futile. Still, the question of whose hands might someday hold my Myst book are unsettling to me. I know that my apprehensions might never be allayed, and so I close, realizing that perhaps, the ending has not yet been written.

(wow, is this quote really that long? I only really remembered the first line)

Damn, that's intriguing, right? Well, fuck you, apparently, if you only played Myst, because there's barely an answer in that game. Only Riven explains this, so what is Riven?

Riven is a place, called an Age. It's like a planet or something. These Ages are created by only a very few people in the multiverse, who have the ability to "write Ages." There's a bit of confusion about what happens when you burn an Age book, though, which has come up - I think that there are actually two kinds of books: One that actually define the structure of an Age, and one that links to the existing Age. Atrus appears to be writing the source code for Riven as he talks to you. Cool, I can dig that.

He's writing in the book because Riven is falling apart, his wife is trapped there, and his dad is a jerk who wants to subjugate all the ages or something, really power-hungry shit. So, he sends you there, promising that you may end up "back where you came from" once all of this is through.

Okay, so how is Riven falling apart? Well, the age is literally splitting at the seams, but what is in between the seams is actually what's known as the Starry Expanse. At the bottom? Earth, apparently, which is how the Myst book got there in the first place. I wont go further into all the family drama, but it's there in various books in the game if you like to read. You probably like to read, right? Well, I won't blame you if you're only looking at the pictures in this post. It took me a very long time to upload all these pictures, so you're welcome!

jungle island

So, you make it across the tram and you enter the biggest island in the game, Jungle Island.

Jungle Island doesn't immediately start with the jungle, but instead makes you climb up a huge flight of stairs to a former forest full of stumps.

There's a lot that I like about this place. I like the forest shrine:

I like the village, with its strange houses (see above)

And I like the beach, with the lazy creatures: (called "sunners" in the stragedy guide):

But what I like best is the transit platform on the entrance from Temple Island. In VR, you can just walk (or teleport in my case) around, so when I came to the edge of this platform I just kinda sat down IRL. I happened to have a fan going, pointing at me from the direction of the wind, actually. It was chill. I was immersed. I wish I could bring a book and read here, or eat my lunch, watching the ocean. I used to live in a coastal city, and the only thing that stopped me from really enjoying the shore was all the people. Here, there is no one. It's perfect. (Oh, and the sun doesn't feel weird on my skin.)

Occassionally, earthquakes will happen, but so what? The world's not actually going to end, probably.

If I'm being honest, I dream of falling through the Starry Expanse. I imagine it is a nice temperature. Quiet. No one else around ... Peaceful. Just like the platform on Jungle Island, there's nothing chaotic or demanding of me, no one to judge me or make me feel stupid for the way I am even just with their existence, even when they're trying to be nice. On the platform, it's nothing but the sound of the waves, and a world that's falling apart. Only I can do something about the world falling apart, but it's too much pressure on me (and the solution involves math, blech), so I stay on the platform. In the end, even if you do learn how to count, Riven does fall apart, and Catherine evacuates its people so a safer Age. Atrus then shows up and takes her home, leaving you there to fall, fall out of the world, out of your responsibilites, out of people's expectations - so loud that they are - into the Starry Expanse, where, at the end, you might finally find your home.

Atrus to me feels like a friend, or my real dad, I don't know why. Maybe because I grew up seeing his dumb little desk in the chamber he's trapped in in D'ni, trying to fix Riven, and the mistakes of his family, feeling responsibility for their actions. Maybe I can relate to that feeling. Maybe I can relate to Rand Miller, the man behind Atrus and the creator of the game, who has devoted his life to making these kinds of worlds, even after his brother Robyn left to pursue other kinds of art, steadfastedly against game industry trends and the death of the adventure game.

I don't really imagine what lies at the bottom of my Starry Expanse to be Earth, but that's what's so captivating about it to me. I moved around a lot when I was young. There's some relief, when you make as many dumb mistakes and get ostracized as much as I did when I was young, to being able to just leave.

Okay, but you're not into shores and self-pity, so let me show you a couple more .jpgs and then wrap up.

crater island

Remember that stump photo above? Well, there's a minecart in a hole there that you can ride, presumably that's where the former forest went. When you ride it, you go fucking underwater and it's a total roller coaster. No, I haven't tried this in VR. I get sick if literally any motion happens whatsoever in VR (leave your tips below so that I can say I've already tried them!!). But, it's fucking sick in the original. You're underwater, and there's these heating rings (because all the water in Riven has some kind of temperature sensitive microbes in it) that push the water away, and the colours and the contrast and the motion are so fucking sick. I would take this ride back and forth repeatedly as a tiny thing. (sorry, the camera mode in game really broke the visuals here, but just imagine the coolest thing ever)

Anyway, I like crater island, because it looks sad on the surface:

Yep, nothing to see here. But, I like this anyway, maybe because I can relate to that. Check out this boiler (it's a puzzle!):

And... if you make it all the way through this, you find a bridge all the way back to Temple Island. This is necessary path, and it goes right back to The Dome. So that's cool. Crater island has a new area in the remake. I cut this image because of the rate limit and well I guess my excuse will be that it is spoilers for the remake haha not that I want 15 minutes back.

the remake

So, some further thoughts on the remake. The golden dome looks beautiful, and for the brief time that I got HDR working on Linux in order to play this game, it ruled. Inner child activated.

But, since you can move around at the speed of an FPS, the game world feels smaller. I spent most of my time stuck on Temple island because they moved a thing and I was in disbelief that they would move that room wtf, that's not where it goes. (Actually, the new location is better). I am glad some puzzles were changed, but I was really disappointed with how quickly I went through Plateau Island especially, since it's usually a bigger part of the game. I'm sure if I was trying to figure out what to do it'd be longer, but I feel like the iconic elevator ride was really short.

There's other changes. They're neat.

The VR mode runs like crap, it's super blurry too because they lower the resolution in VR mode. I can get 140fps in 1440p on this thing in flatscreen, but in VR it's like oh no 46fps for you, enjoy your nausea in the gate room. But I'll keep trying to get it running better.

One change is bad though: I miss the FMV characters. Everyone does. These characters are a bit uncanny. (better than Myst remake though imo)

Okay, I'm out of steam here. Thanks for reading my little disorganized rant. Hope you liked the screenshots. I didn't make the world, but I sure did take the pictures. I guess that makes me a Riven photographer.

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