HRT especially can be a very scary change. For me, it was daunting. How would it affect me, would I like it, how would others see me, etc. Point is, I was very close to pushing it off, and probably would have had I not had somebody to help me and nudge me to the point I did my first injection. The main point I want to get across with this is that it's tough taking those first steps.

Keep in mind that almost nothing about HRT is permanent, and it needs to be done permanently for the effects to work. Yes, that means it would be something for the rest of your life, but only if you like the changes. What this also means is that it's not a commitment. You can take it step by step. Try setting a goal to start HRT for a week. It doesn't have to go beyond that if you don't want it to, but if you do, set a goal for a second week. If you want to continue after that, keep setting goals that you will be able to meet, and ease yourself into that change until it feels natural. For me now, it just feels like another part of my everyday life.

Regardless of what HRT would cause and what would come of it, the results would certainly be better than harming and/or killing yourself. You deserve to be happy, just as much as anybody else does, no matter what you think. I know you've probably heard "things will get better" a lot, but it's true that things can get better. Sometimes getting better can only come with change, and I believe that you can.

Also remember that everybody is different. Don't compare yourself to others in a way that degrades yourself. You and your sister are different people, with different minds, in different situations.

Do what you need to do to avoid harming yourself. A streak doesn't matter as much as moving forward, and regardless of how long you've gone without doing so, you're still moving forward. I have a feeling I'm not the first person you would go to if you needed to talk to someone, and I'm not the best at talking, but if you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out.