this post was submitted on 20 Jan 2025
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rant/vent/whatever about change and hrt
Its been like six months since I first committed to myself to getting on diy, missed every timeframe I set myself, just can't do it. Can't bring myself to change. I don't understand why I can't change. Why I can't progress. I just can't. I'm stupid I guess. Scared. Honestly don't deserve the help.self harm
Going to try and distract myself again, like I do every fucking day, and if that doesn't work I'll cut myself. Already broke my streak and I don't care. Going to kill myself anyway. What a sad, pathetic end this makes.I remember people telling me from the time I was a child life was hard. It is, it sucks, I hate life, I hate living. Why would anyone force this shit on someone.
I don't want it to be over but I don't want to keep struggling. This sucks and I hate it and I can't change any of it. Why can't I do anything ever. Why am I a useless, pathetic sack of shit. Why am I this way and my sister is fine. Literally just bad genetics or some shit. Who gives a fuck. Someone kill me.
I take back what I said the other day, I do blame autism for this shit. NTs can change and work on themselves. I have always struggled with change and risk, no matter how small, and this is just too big for me to cope with.
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I can say with certainty that you aren't stupid. Change is difficult because you are autistic, and change is very difficult for autistic people. That doesn't make you stupid, nor does it make you undeserving. Additionally, while change is difficult, that doesn't mean it's impossible, or that you will never be able to change.HRT especially can be a very scary change. For me, it was daunting. How would it affect me, would I like it, how would others see me, etc. Point is, I was very close to pushing it off, and probably would have had I not had somebody to help me and nudge me to the point I did my first injection. The main point I want to get across with this is that it's tough taking those first steps.
Keep in mind that almost nothing about HRT is permanent, and it needs to be done permanently for the effects to work. Yes, that means it would be something for the rest of your life, but only if you like the changes. What this also means is that it's not a commitment. You can take it step by step. Try setting a goal to start HRT for a week. It doesn't have to go beyond that if you don't want it to, but if you do, set a goal for a second week. If you want to continue after that, keep setting goals that you will be able to meet, and ease yourself into that change until it feels natural. For me now, it just feels like another part of my everyday life.
Regardless of what HRT would cause and what would come of it, the results would certainly be better than harming and/or killing yourself. You deserve to be happy, just as much as anybody else does, no matter what you think. I know you've probably heard "things will get better" a lot, but it's true that things can get better. Sometimes getting better can only come with change, and I believe that you can.
Also remember that everybody is different. Don't compare yourself to others in a way that degrades yourself. You and your sister are different people, with different minds, in different situations.
Do what you need to do to avoid harming yourself. A streak doesn't matter as much as moving forward, and regardless of how long you've gone without doing so, you're still moving forward. I have a feeling I'm not the first person you would go to if you needed to talk to someone, and I'm not the best at talking, but if you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out.
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Sorry. Accidentally fell asleep.It's difficult for most autistic people but it seems impossible for me. I've been trying so hard and it's still not enough. It's never enough trying. I don't understand how everyone else can do this. Or at least more then me.
Once I get it I'm going to take it every week until I die. Without hrt there's no hope. I don't have any idea what I'd do if hrt wasn't for me. Thank you for the reminder though.
Didn't work anyway. Thank you for that. I probably will reach out on matrix at some point.
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I'm hoping that once you get HRT you'll be able to take it for a long, long time.Whatβs stopping you from doing diy?
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I'm stupid. Multiple people have offered to ship to my house but I'm not sure how to get needles + being stupid about family saying shit (when it comes in and then obv later when/if I get changes). Its just because I'm shit, very privileged and should already have it. Just pathetic. Can't make change happen for anything. Because I'm stupid and shit and idk why it effects me like this.spoiler
If you have access to amazon, you can get both needles and syringes off of there without a prescription. A search for 25-gauge needles and 1ml syringes gave multiple results, with amazon even providing the other item in the "frequently bought with" section. Amazon also tends to have delivery windows you could watch out for, as well as options to delay the delivery to days that might be more convenient for you. I guess that would be my advice on the estradiol front as well, make sure you, or whoever is getting it for you, is tracking the packages so that you have a way to view when it will show up (again, to prepare).
I'm almost 8 months in, and even now it would be really easy to hide. Large hoodies and sweaters are too baggy for anything to show through, and in general baggy clothing is going to be your friend. Even then, it takes a bit for physical things to start happening. It took almost a month for me to start feeling breast growth, for example, and it took even longer to show through a tight shirt.
You shouldn't already have it, because you haven't gotten it yet, supposed privilege doesn't always play a role in how easy it is to start HRT. You are still working towards it, and finding out how exactly you could make it work. Your brain is putting up obstacles because they are reasonable things to worry about. Your family noticing things is a valid concern. Not knowing how to get equipment is a valid concern. It's certainly not stupid to worry about those things, in fact it's pretty smart. A vial of estradiol wouldn't really help if you didn't have the proper equipment, right? I said it in my other comment, but being autistic, and having trouble changing, does not make you stupid or useless.
Please, take care of yourself, and don't beat yourself down, especially for being who you are. You are the only person like you, and that is something special in itself, because without being neurodivergent and trans, you would just be a completely different person, and that's not you.
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It's reasonable to be scared and anxious, particularly what you've disclosed about your family before. Ultimately, what medication you want and need is your decision, not your family's - that doesn't mean they might not be shitty about it and maybe even a pain in the ass and do stuff like throw out your meds, but its always going to be your call what you want to put in your body. I don't know and can't guarantee how they'd take you being on HRT, but I've been eternally surprised by some very rural and very conservative parents taking their kids transition in stride (because they might not get it but they love their kid). This doesn't erase some of the horrible things that still happen or your anxieties.You've been dealing with a lot of very hard emotional things lately. I know it can feel overwhelming. What are some things you think you can do to get past any shitty family behaviour? One possibility is keeping your medication and needles with a friend you trust, do you have any what I'm gonna call "bonus parents"? Like parents' friends you can trust and be out with. Do you have any ideas?
As for how to get needles, it depends on where you live but usually you're able to purchase medical supplies online. Sometimes you can get it with no questions or prescription from a pharmacy, depends on where you're at. I requisition my supply from my workplace lol~ If you get needles, you can get a sharps container for them and should (usually pharmacies supply them sometimes for free and will dispose of your sharps when it's full and get you another rbin).
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I hope. I've heard how it can be different in either direction. egh. Hopefully not an issue for a little bit.I don't have anyone who can hold my meds for me. I don't think hiding the meds themselves is a big concern (at least until I come out/they notice). I did contact an old friend to hopefully ship stuff to. I don't know what else I can do to deal with that. Other then getting a job/etc. Which I want to work on... I don't know what else to even plan for or what I can planning I can do.
aggghhh
forgot I need a sharps container too. Hoping my friend can come through and help with that stuff.