These and other goofy thoughts crystallised recently when Taigen Moon used Potemkin's theme from Korean Guilty Gear XX as the theme for a Gamefan documentary. Guilty Gear has the same appeal as mid-00s Sonic I think, that thing where it constantly wobbles between being kinda eyerolling and earnestly cool as fuck. It's also rare to see an anime game with actually good art instead of generic slop, and the overarching story sounds pretty rad.

So I'm attracted to GG exclusively for vain reasons, and I've never really played a fighting game before so it's obviously a really good idea to smash my head into one of the fastest and most difficult ones there is. I put Guilty Gear X, X2, and Accent Core on my PS2 and Accent Core Plus on my Wii U. Gonna try to play on low latency displays or just a CRT. I am scared though, Arcsys is gonna bully me probably. I like Bayonetta and Metal Gear Rising so I figure some of that might transfer, but weh scary fightan gaem.

DO IT FOR HER

The things that I do that bother her that drain her "to the end of her rope" is stuff like, sometimes I will get into a cycle of sleeping and waking up really late (like, 1-2 pm late) and she hates that. And also sometimes I annoy her by "talking back" (which never registers to me as talking back, in my head it always registers as me just sharing my perspective.) And I don't always proactively go make dinner, sometimes I have to wait til I'm called (though sometimes I am proactive about it!! she just calls me way earlier than necessary!!!) She also gets annoyed seeing me lying in bed during the day (something she does herself), by my messy room, by the fact that in her eyes I don't go out enough, and because she thinks I'm just lazing about the house all day. In reality, I'm usually doing a lot of personal projects; if I'm not doing those it's usually because I'm incredibly depressed and/or tired that day.

So I do all these things that annoy her, but she tamps it down until she explodes, and then I get hurt when she does that. Also all the things I do to her are me abusing her. Oh and today she was like "oh you're going to go online or to your friends and complain about me, which I don't think is fair" which... idek anymore.

Am I in the wrong here? Please, if I'm in the wrong here, please tell me. I want to give my mom a fair chance, I feel horribly guilty. But I don't know what to do. With my various neurodivergencies (ADHD, autism, OCD, depression, etc.) there's no way I can be 100% on top of things all the time like she wants me to. Like I would also prefer if I could wake up early and go to sleep early every day, but I just can't. It's basically impossible for me. And I try my best to be pleasant and helpful around the house but sometimes I do get annoyed at having to cook and I have a hard time hiding that all the time.

She says that I break her trust because I don't have "consistency" and that me "trying" isn't enough. But trying is all I can do, I don't know what more I can do but try. I just can't help the fact that some of the things she wants from me are exponentially more difficult than they are for other people. But maybe I'm the one who doesn't have enough self-discipline or something.

Also she told me today that she expected me to take care of the house and my brother and her more. She's disabled, I get it, but why is this all my responsibility now? I get that I'm the older child (the "eldest daughter" even if I'm not a girl) and I'm technically an adult but am I wrong in feeling that this is a bit unfair? That all the responsibility for this is on me and none of it is on my brother or my dad? And yet my mom thinks my brother is the much better family member, she goes on and on to me about how my brother is such a better person than me (mostly because he's less neurodivergent, tbh.)

I don't know what to do. I don't. I can't stand it anymore. This hair-trigger kind of anger that apparently I'm always setting off because just the way I exist is wrong.

I'm pretty sure that I'm caught in some cognitive distortions around socializing. Making friends feels like this weird insurmountable task, like I don't know how to just do that without the context of us being in school, or having a mutual friend. In school, before I knew I was neurodivergent, before I questioned my identity, I gave it my all and strung myself out. Now I am terrified to give the bare minimum because I never felt that reciprocity from others, and I don't really know why. I don't want to put my energy in places where it isn't appreciated.

With all of this, I'm worried that I'm deeply overthinking something that is for most people intuitive. Relationships make no fucking sense to me at this point.

Do people ever have a responsibility to step in and help? Or are we really all just kites in the wind

I'm confused because I changed ALL my behaviors because of the severity of my mental health and nobody so much as asked about what I was going through. And like, how do I now go back to those people that were willing to watch me fall?

Or do I say, that boy you remember is someone else who is GONE, but I'm here now, whatever I happen to be today

I'm running on fumes. I'm realizing that I have zero (0) people and that the blank stares those cis people gave me for six years in college might be the closest I get to a community of people who exist in the same room as one another. It blows chunks.

Like come on brain :cri: you've already put me through a lot can you please not make me deal with bottom dysphoria? I've already cried while masterbating can that be it? Just be done with it? I'm okay being a girl with a penis. If no brain worms why do I have dysphoria :kitty-cri:

I don't know I really just don't want to deal with bottom dysphoria and I'm scared it'll get worse.

get dysphoric because of body fat distribution

drink about the dysphoria

can't lose any weight because i keep drinking so damn much

can't weight cycle without losing weight first

go to step one

I WANT OFF MR. BONES' WILD RIDE