this post was submitted on 21 Mar 2024
990 points (98.0% liked)

Lemmy Shitpost

26948 readers
5733 users here now

Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!


Rules:

1. Be Respectful


Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.

Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.

...


2. No Illegal Content


Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.

That means:

-No promoting violence/threats against any individuals

-No CSA content or Revenge Porn

-No sharing private/personal information (Doxxing)

...


3. No Spam


Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.

-If you have posted content, please refrain from re-posting said content within this community.

-Do not spam posts with intent to harass, annoy, bully, advertise, scam or harm this community.

-No posting Scams/Advertisements/Phishing Links/IP Grabbers

-No Bots, Bots will be banned from the community.

...


4. No Porn/ExplicitContent


-Do not post explicit content. Lemmy.World is not the instance for NSFW content.

-Do not post Gore or Shock Content.

...


5. No Enciting Harassment,Brigading, Doxxing or Witch Hunts


-Do not Brigade other Communities

-No calls to action against other communities/users within Lemmy or outside of Lemmy.

-No Witch Hunts against users/communities.

-No content that harasses members within or outside of the community.

...


6. NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.


-Content that is NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.

-Content that might be distressing should be kept behind NSFW tags.

...

If you see content that is a breach of the rules, please flag and report the comment and a moderator will take action where they can.


Also check out:

Partnered Communities:

1.Memes

2.Lemmy Review

3.Mildly Infuriating

4.Lemmy Be Wholesome

5.No Stupid Questions

6.You Should Know

7.Comedy Heaven

8.Credible Defense

9.Ten Forward

10.LinuxMemes (Linux themed memes)


Reach out to

All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules. Striker

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
 
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] altima_neo@lemmy.zip 114 points 8 months ago (6 children)

I mean WTF is a horse gonna do with prep time?

[–] wesker@lemmy.sdf.org 155 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Become an expert in his field.

[–] assassinatedbyCIA@lemmy.world 58 points 8 months ago (1 children)

He’s already outstanding in his field.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 35 points 8 months ago
[–] theonyltruemupf@feddit.de 28 points 8 months ago

Studying the blade

[–] PeriodicallyPedantic@lemmy.ca 14 points 8 months ago
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Narv@lemmy.world 78 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Not to brag, but, with a little bit of trainig, I think I can easily win against a trout, as long as the fight is not in the water. But we're only talking hypotheticaly, of course. It would only come to that if the trout picks up the fight first and we don't manage to resolve our issue with healthy communication... I'm not a monster.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] mossy_@lemmy.world 73 points 8 months ago (3 children)

my toxic trait is thinking I could win a fight with a goose

[–] schmorpel@slrpnk.net 44 points 8 months ago (2 children)
[–] mossy_@lemmy.world 30 points 8 months ago (4 children)

I'm not huge or athletic but I probably weigh, like, twice as much as a goose. I get that they're incredibly pissy and they have teeth and pointy bits, but I'm still betting on me.

[–] RogueBanana@lemmy.zip 36 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Our battle will be legendary. I may lose my life but I am bringing down the bastard with me.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] starman2112@sh.itjust.works 26 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Punt to the chest. Bird bones are papier mâché. Never get in a fist fight with a goose, their wings will break your arms. Definitely don't try and snap its spindly little neck. Just kick it in the chest

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] saltesc@lemmy.world 57 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (9 children)

A snake.

Because I'm Australian and grew up in the country, I was taught how to take them down with a sharpened shovel when I was five. Coincidentally, I got my first one a few months later in the garage when it rushed out of a tarpaulin toward me and I shoveled the head off, just like mum taught me. Common brown too (a.k.a Eastern Brown, but they're everywhere. One of the most venomous snakes in the world).

My next one was a red-belly black snake that rushed out of a log. I used a mallet to crush the head and was 6. Also one of the venomous snakes in the world. We have most of them here.

Always go straight for the head with distance and speed.

It may sound cruel to not try scare them into an area and call someone for removal, but they're just too dangerous. And if it's there, it's made territory there, so if you lose it it will definitely show up again. Most are aggressive, so you need to take the chance when you've got it because it's simply more dangerous not to and come off second best next time.

It's also common to deal with pythons, getting one sunbaking off the road or out of the house if it overstepped it's boundaries. We like those ones though and definitely don't hurt them, especially if they make home in the roof or under the house. They keep the possums and mice away, therefore the venomous ground snakes away. Roof python is snek bro and a very welcome guest. It's sad when you notice one's probably moved out :(

[–] FrostyCaveman@lemm.ee 34 points 8 months ago

Not even roof snek can afford the rent now

[–] Sidhean@lemmy.world 19 points 8 months ago

After reading about you (justly) killing snakes, I'm very glad I got to learn about roof pythons.

I think someine I know set a garter snake on fire once- that's about as much as I've interacted with them, anyway.

load more comments (7 replies)
[–] Cosmicomical@lemmy.world 44 points 8 months ago (2 children)

I can definitely kill an hour

[–] FatTony@lemm.ee 17 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Does an hour get prep time?

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Leate_Wonceslace@lemmy.dbzer0.com 39 points 8 months ago (3 children)

I can fight a blue whale. The whale would fail to perceive me as a threat, and so when it wanders away I win by default.

[–] Chee_Koala@lemmy.world 22 points 8 months ago

It's been a long time since I got the old 'your opponent walked away.. YOU WIN' Victory screen

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] myusernameis@lemmy.ca 37 points 8 months ago (5 children)

NOT a cat... Don't ask me how I know.

[–] VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world 16 points 8 months ago

Cats are the rightful rulers of this world. It would be foolish to oppose them.

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] Skkorm@lemmy.world 36 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (10 children)

I grew up in rural Canada. A guy I knew was drunk in the woods with friends and tried to ride a young deer that came up to them(the deer got used to people in that area feeding them, something that is not recommended) annnnnnd it beat the shit out of him and his 6 friends. He got a bad concussion and lost sight in one of his eyes.

Don't fuck with animals. They are built different.

[–] pancakes@sh.itjust.works 22 points 8 months ago
load more comments (9 replies)
[–] starman2112@sh.itjust.works 26 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Give me a pointy enough stick and my tribe can take down any animal

[–] Risk 16 points 8 months ago (2 children)

"Am I allowed to run it to exhaustion?"

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] callyral@pawb.social 25 points 8 months ago (4 children)

A fish, unless I'm underwater instead of it being on land

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] MojoMcJojo@lemmy.world 24 points 8 months ago (1 children)

When my father was younger he devised a plan to drop down out of a tree onto the back of a deer and take it down with a knife. He said it beat the shit out of him with its antlers. So I think I could take down a doe, a deer, a female dear.

[–] Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world 15 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Is your dad's name Ray? A drop of golden sun?

[–] xorollo@lemmy.world 10 points 8 months ago

No that's me, a name I call myself.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] akatsukilevi@kbin.social 24 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (3 children)

Wait wait wait, hear me out
A snail

[–] Jax@sh.itjust.works 12 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Is the snail already chasing after me?

[–] LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world 10 points 8 months ago

This fight started in 2002 mate, you just forgot.

[–] Sabata11792@kbin.social 12 points 8 months ago (6 children)

Im not risking it unless I can verify the identity of the snail beforehand. With my luck, I know what snail it would be.

load more comments (6 replies)
[–] Risk 10 points 8 months ago

Decoy snail.

[–] PrinceWith999Enemies@lemmy.world 24 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Shark, as long as we are on land. I’d just outrun him then call coup by hitting him with a stick while he’s gasping for air. I guess at that point I could take on a blue whale, but that would just make me feel like a dick. I’ll stick with the shark. Any shark, any time, 1.5 miles inland.

[–] Shieldtoad@sh.itjust.works 36 points 8 months ago (4 children)

The chance of getting attacked by a shark on land are small, but not zero.

[–] nickhammes@lemmy.world 17 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Could you take all the sharks in Missouri?

[–] NoSpotOfGround@lemmy.world 10 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Are we all just going to ignore aquariums?

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] therealjcdenton@lemmy.zip 18 points 8 months ago

You need to ask why, thats how you get the hour long explanation

[–] Adramis@lemmy.world 18 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Do you get immediate medical treatment after, and is it free?

[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 30 points 8 months ago (8 children)

Assuming you're not American, yes.

load more comments (8 replies)
[–] exanime@lemmy.world 16 points 8 months ago (18 children)

A horse?! that guy is delusional... most men won't have the ability to defeat (unarmed) anything bigger than a medium size dog...

Anything bigger will likely overpower a regular human, most smaller would just be too fast or have different, naturally occurring weaponry to defeat us

load more comments (18 replies)
[–] A_Random_Idiot@lemmy.world 15 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Maybe an especially passive grasshopper?

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] lengau@midwest.social 15 points 8 months ago

House centipede. In fact, I could probably take on two of them!

Not three though.

[–] Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee 12 points 8 months ago

But do not forget to specify, that you mean 'in a fight'.

[–] JasonDJ@lemmy.zip 12 points 8 months ago (9 children)

Humans have no real advantages in a 1:1 fight agains most larger mammals. A lot have horns, tusks, claws…

Humans got their points in STA, AGI, and INT. We don’t defeat large mammals in unarmed combat. We can barely handle anything much larger than a boar with close arms like a spear.

No, we defeat large animals by outsmarting and outlasting them. And usually that only works when we are on the offense and have an advantage by stalking. In a fair fight that gets a lot more challenging. Horses are fucking fast. Persistence hunting may have worked, but that’s by us chasing the prey.

So, assuming we are facing head to head, at the start of the fight, I would probably fake to the right, then run past the horse on my left. It’ll take him a while to turn around. That’ll buy me a few seconds to hopefully run somewhere where there are some obstacles or corners on the way to higher ground. If I can climb and get above the horse, all bets are off. Only Nirn horses are decent climbers.

load more comments (9 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›