I know a lot stems from being alienated because of stuff at home growing up with abuse and other things, being autistic and not really being able to form any friendships in school and then as I moved from Primary to Secondary I then got bullied too on top so it kind of left me with nobody to help or talk to and such, this was pre-internet days so it's not like now where you can just go online I spent most of my childhood trying to escape the reality and sometimes hiding under the bed and shutting myself away from my family.

I had a million thoughts about this, but they all collided, and they're just fragments, and they're gone now. But I can relate to some of it, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

As far as friends I've never had a friend group so it's easy, I've had a few relationships and two of those were abusive too so it also had a contributing factor in me being able to trust people, especially when I've been on the receiving end for a lot of my life before I transitioned.

god so much compassion for you right now (I hope that's not too corny to say). I went through some extremely dysfunctional relationships, I know NDs are horrifyingly more likely to go through this kind of thing.

She is based, we're best friends and like we think very similarly and the best thing to ever happen to me. She's the only person to truly get me as a person.

literally that's so awesome

is one-on-one conversation required?

wow! i'm actually really happy that you took those questions seriously, I was expecting them to be kinda glossed over since most people don't think about this stuff like I do - or, like we do.

I think I separate the friendship/acquaintances to how deeply they know you so to speak (this is what makes sense in my head) like I have had people who chat to me about random shit but nothing really deeper.

Yes!!! This makes sense!!! I have been struggling with this ALL WEEK!!! What do I want, what do I need? I want people to deeply know me!!! That's the answer! Thank you!!

I used to have more walls while dealing with my trauma which probably had some effect of closing me off but I've had about 25 years of abuse from various parties, like physical, mental and verbal so it was hard to learn to drop some of those walls to be able to be a human. (but I am not afraid to show my bare ass like what you see here)

Yeah, that must have been rough. For what it's worth, I'm really grateful for your honesty in these things, and I'm glad that you responded like you did.

I still have some trust issues and I definitely have ptsd and some other triggers that can happen years later because of what I've been put through.

I think you mention this later, but this feeling you mention of "at this stage I can't be 'fixed' I just carry it with me" I understand a little. Like, no matter how much therapy or whatever I go through, I'm still going to have trouble with some things. I'm going to be nicer to myself about it though.

Yeah it's become a standard with online spaces I guess lol I have had people talk about themselves mainly and that's been the whole "relationship" so that can be wild too.

Yeah, I do like listening, but... I think you mention this elsewhere, but I too like the exchanges to be even. I'm slightly fixated on fairness in relationships, which can be helpful and detrimental at times.

I don't tend to let these kinds of things bother me though it's like nomads drifting and you may have a chat or be the sympathetic ear from time to time but it can feel hollow sometimes when it's all the other person and when they lose interest they drop you.

Totally, it is the natural way of things sometimes to have people drift away, but I'm not sure how I'd take to having to re-explain how I am to new people every time someone drifts away. Maybe my self-interpretations would get better and the explanations shorter, but I think I would get tired of saying the same things to a rotating cast of faces eventually. So for years and years I've lurked, or only had one friend, etc.

a lot of this I chalk up to NT brainworm bs and try to ignore that but like I've said above I'm also aware of it too, I don't mind people talking about themselves at all, so don't let that doubt worry you..

I appreciate it, I too have the NT expectations brainworms. It helps me when people give me positive signals like you just did, thank you.

I only get bothered if it feels one way and more over time like I think a lot of it is you want the exchange of information to be balanced and not skewed in one direction, I know I do but rarely get that.

Yes, here's what I was referring to earlier. 100% agree.

they couldn't tell you my favourite colour or anything about me at all I was so shut off from them.

damn, honestly I feel that, especially now. I used to be very effusive, but cut them out once i started realizing all the religious bs was hurting me, and that i needed to transition.

And well most people that I've interacted with here would be on a similar level of understanding me, nobody really knows me or tries to get to know me.

I hope that changes for you. I still appreciate you sharing.

I am pretty stand offish and I can be cold if I'm unsure about people, again I do have trust issues especially around touch and getting too close to me physically.. I need to trust someone to even be comfortable to have a hug.

Totally valid, for me it still happens even if I trust someone (or, well ... do I really trust anyone except Partner?), even if I've known someone a Very Long Time, like my parents, I am still very hesitant and I disassociate a bit if they want to hug me. Especially if they have a discernible smell. Maybe it's just them though haha, I have no problem hugging Partner, I do it a lot. I unironically like headpets too...

it's just "I've seen a lot of shit" and been on the end of a lot of shit too so some of that will always remain.

Yeah, this was the spot from above. I parse and thing about things out of order sometimes. tbh, I think this is a very reasonable perspective, and I'm going to borrow it for myself.

I'm long past that though just so you and whoever else reads this knows.. I'm not depressed I'm just very aware that I've been damaged to my core.

Yeah, I actually wasn't worried at all - maybe it's because I feel similarly, even though the magnitude is a bit smaller for me.

I get this but realistically you do worry too much.. I do mull on things sometimes, like "was I too blunt" or "I hope I don't offend them" stuff like that, I do hope that people understand that I do care to some degree but I also don't worry too much about people too..

I think this is why I like you, in part. I like that you can see things from this honestly extremely healthy (imo) perspective, that you too are predisposed to worry, but aren't afraid to be your authentic self, and you don't let the worries consume you. I think the phrase I'm looking for is "mad respect." I think I'm getting better, once I start to trust people more it gets easier, generally. But ... sometimes after a social thing, for days I will ask Partner if I said something rude, etc. I still need that reassurance, he's good at giving it. I agree, I do worry too much. "Wanting to be liked" is at the core of all social interaction for me, and Cool Therapist tells me that I can't just kill these protective parts, but only talk to them and listen to them and help them grow.

I would hope people can tell the difference with me that they'd be able to talk to me if I upset them but I know some people can misread things from me so I do hope that at least in some part they'll know everything is coming from the void the same way, like I'm not trying to be a dick to you, even if I seem blunt or direct.

Yes, I want this perspective for myself too!! This seems so reasonable to me. I would hope people would be direct if I upset them, I worry so so much, my Partner is like never upset, I used to ask him 5 times a day if he was mad at me (I don't do this with other people thankfully), luckily I've gotten better at this over time. It's been a struggle. I struggle to tell people that aren't him that I'm upset, that's going to be a difficult bridge for me to cross. Usually I just kinda stifle it, had a lot of people react poorly, lots of "psychologizing"... I will try.

I think some of it can be when you have time to think about some of the emptiness you feel, the loneliness can creep up on you and into your thoughts.

totally.

I think one person can't always hold up everything and you do need more outlets too

yeah, this 100%. He seems to understand completely lol and yet I still compulsively reassure him. I must be hilarious to watch in action ... haha. I have a secret hope that people will find me cute, instead of annoying, and never accuse me of gaslighting or being a psychopath again.

So I get the "you need to socialise more" kind of rhetoric but not really.. for me personally, and It always sounds more severe too when you talk about the loneliness side of it.

I think what I'm taking from this is that talking about it makes it sound worse than it is - it's not such an acute thing for you?

I've always had that emptiness because well I didn't have any outlets and mostly my self (I joke about my goblin and then the swarm of spiders who mediate in my head, but that's my self and then the internal logic and analysis (from the spiders)

Yeah, that's fair. That's an interesting metaphor that I've not encountered before, I'm curious as to why you describe them as goblin and spiders?

shoot, hit the text limit. more coming.