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blackn1ght

What's your parenting Achilles Heel? (self.dads)

submitted 8 months ago by Oneeightnine to c/dads

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Example: I'm awful when it comes to the kids waking up throughout the night. It's not so much that I don't deal with it well, cause I do, but more that the prospect of it causing significant anxiety in me.

It's something I'm working on every single day, but still something that gets the better of me at times, especially now I've got a school age kid who's coming home sick every few days.

Where do you feel like you need to improve as a parent?

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[–] blackn1ght 12 points 8 months ago (2 children)

When I come down from work (I work from home) and then I immediately cook tea, my son constantly talks to me about something or asks me a million random questions and I really struggle to pay attention or show any enthusiasm. I end up getting a bit snappy as I need some time to think, or he calls me rude as I don't end up responding.

Then after I end up feeling mega guilty. He's only 6 and he wants to talk to me about something he's interested in or learn something new but I just don't have the headspace to respond.

[–] khannie@lemmy.world 10 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

For what it's worth I'm really honest with mine about needing time to decompress after work and say I'd love to talk with them in a little while if that's ok with them. They always take it well. I switch it up by saying things like "my brain is just very tired after work and I need to rest it for a few minutes" or whatever.

I sometimes stick headphones on as a little visual barrier (even though I'm not listening to anything).

Once it's established that you do actually chat with them after the little decompress it's grand.

Of course sometimes you just need to talk to them if something particularly exciting has happened that day. That's OK too. :)

[–] Oneeightnine 4 points 8 months ago

I'll occasionally sit in my car for ten minutes just to decompress after the drive home from work. Doesn't mean I'm bad, just means I'm setting myself up to be a great dad when I do walk through the door. We all need that time.

[–] sbv@sh.itjust.works 9 points 8 months ago (3 children)

I'm coming to accept that my kids can do things their own way, even if it isn't gonna turn out well.

For example, my eldest insists on carrying as many things as he can fit in his hands/arms when setting our clearing the table. For a while, I nagged him saying he was going to drop something and make a mess. But he hasn't. It looks awkward as hell, and he will eventually drop a glass on his foot, but I've made my point and he's chosen to ignore it.

If it ever happens, I'll help him clean it up. And I'll keep my mouth shut. He needs to learn his own lessons.

[–] Oneeightnine 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I'm a big believer in giving the kids the space they need to mess up. My partner isn't wired that way though, so it does cause a bit of tension at times.

Love your philosophy though. They learn through doing, and sometimes that's good and sometimes that means they overextend and drop a glass on their foot.

[–] sbv@sh.itjust.works 2 points 8 months ago

Love your philosophy though

It's really hard to live it. I'm a control freak, so it doesn't come naturally to me.

They learn through doing, and sometimes that's good and sometimes that means they overextend and drop a glass on their foot.

It's not just that - if I constantly nag them about little things, I'm teaching them to ignore me.

And I'm being a dick, because I'm telling them they're constantly doing things wrong, which has a self esteem cost. My big guy is really sensitive, so I need to watch that. I don't want to push him away because I don't like his tidying technique.

[–] Hacksaw@lemmy.ca 3 points 8 months ago

This is awesome advice. We learned so many best practices the hard way growing up, unfortunately the kids really do have to learn some of their own lessons. These lessons are relatively harmless and help them build trust in your judgement for more important lessons later.

[–] Dicska@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

Give him a tray so that he can do the thing he loves while not dropping shit.

[–] B0NK3RS@lemmy.world 7 points 8 months ago (3 children)

I've become such a light sleeper now that I have kids. It's a real pain in the arse but it's getting better now they are a bit older.

I need to work on remembering that my youngest can't do everything the same that the older one can and stop getting frustrated. It's an easy thing to do, and sometimes she does act older, but I need to be there more to help without her asking.

[–] Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

All my life I've hated repeating myself. It's the quickest way to annoy me.

My kid has intense ADHD.