Asklemmy

I might as well go first:

Thou shalt seed what you download (You'll understand in a few thousand years)

The 10 commandments divide into two sections. Rules for the relation between people and God and rules for the relation between people and other people. 5 more would probably setup a third section. Like rules for the relation between people and nature or rules for one’s relation to oneself.

11. Forgive your brother who has wronged you as you would want him to forgive your own transgressions.

12. Honor creation and take only what you need from the mountains, streams, woodlands, and valleys.

13. Respect the creatures of the earth as your brothers in creation.

14. Avoid excesses and live humbly

15. Love yourself for you were created in My image

Thou shalt not push to prod on Fridays

• Be excellent to each other
• Party on, dudes

"No slavery", "no genocide", "no slavery", "no genocide", and "seriously, no slavery or genocide".

"Thou shalt not accidentally drop and break one of these three tablets"

Thou shalt not fuck kids. They definitely meant for that to be in there, right? Guys...?

The five missing ones are:

11. Acknowledge the central point.
12. Thou shalt not soapbox.
13. Thou shalt not decontextualise what others say.
14. Thou shalt not claim intentions to defend thine or someone else's actions.
15. Thou shalt not convey "I disagree" through feigned lack of understanding.

Bonus: the original version of the 8th was

8. Thou shalt not claim with certainty things that you do not know for certain.

The current 8th (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour) is a forgery. Some assumer got called out over and over because of the older 8th, since he really liked to make shit up, so he restricted it into near uselessness. Source: I'm Lucifer, I know it. :^)

Thou shalt not be cruel

Thou shalt not oppress your fellow man

Thou shalt not put yourself before your brethren

Thou shalt not think only of yourself

Thou shalt not live in a disordered home, nor shall you allow the cities you live in to become disorderly due to your own lack of action

Returneth thy cart.

11. Don't be evil.

12. Just do it.

13. Make, your dreams, come true.

14. [This one can't be translated usefully into any modern language.]

15. For everything else, there's Mastercard.

• Do not treat people or animals as things
• Consent first from others, especially your family
• The Earth and it's creatures should be shepherded and guarded, not exploited
• No gods, no kings, no rulers - instead have empathy, sharing, and collaboration
• It's round you nimrods, because that's how gravity works

One saying slavery shouldn’t happen would be nice.

Thall shalt not run for political office and then switch sides halfway through.

Thall shalt not allow predators to sell underage girls to celebrities.

Thall shalt not incite a coup at your government headquarters

Thall shalt not give so many fucks about the arrangement of other people genitals or what they do with them.

Thall shalt not fuck with abortion laws or start repealing other progressive laws that have been in place for decades

There literally was another one if Idan Dershowitz's theory that the Shapira Scroll was legit is true.

In that document (the translation is in his book The Valediction of Moses: A Proto-Biblical Book (2021)), there's effectively an 11th commandment of "thou shalt not hate your brother in your heart."

In general, a number of the sayings found across both Deuteronomy and Leviticus would seem like good candidates, such as "love your neighbor as yourself" and "love the foreigner among you as yourself."

A lot of the modern interpretation is that the former refers to your literal personal home neighbors, but it makes more sense for an emergent pastoral community to be in reference to political neighbors like the Canaanites and Philistines.

Which we are now realizing thanks to archeology that the early Israelites cohabitated and were at peace with, in spite of the anachronistic stories in the Bible about it, such as the book of Joshua which is completely at odds with any archeological picture of history. Early Israelite theomorphic names in graveyards were even around 30% 'Baal' based. So the whole "hate and kill your neighbors that are different from you" seems like it was a later addition. To be fair, as likely was the monotheism.

In general, the story of Moses breaking the first set of tablets in response to the golden calf worship is sus as fuck. It mirrors the alleged reforms of Josiah centuries later where he destroyed the golden calves at Bethel and Dan while getting rid of the old laws and instituting new ones. So much more likely that it was a later addition to an earlier folk narrative being shaped to support contemporary major religious reforms.

My personal pick for a good candidate comes from a line in an 8th century BCE bilingual tablet from the group that the lead excavator of Tel Dan now thinks was the lost tribe of Dan up in Adana Turkey, the Denyen sea peoples. Their king, in discussing how he improved his kingdom over the past, used as a measuring stick the fact that women could now walk home alone feeling safe.

So "Thou shalt create and foster a society where women can walk home alone at night feeling safe" seems like it would do a lot of heavy lifting to improve the current set of commandments significantly.

Thou who smelt it, thine own self dealt it.

Thou shall not attempt to make a business out of this using the medium of broadcast images and shouting.

They're on the prop from Mel Brooks' History of the World Part I

Don't take the Bible too literally

Thou shall not leave the toilet lid open after used.

tit for tat plus 10% extra forgiveness is the most successful strategy in life and politics of every kind

god is found in higher furnace temperatures filled with colorful rocks

always separate how you feel from what you can prove with evidence that is accepted as truth by 100 persons from a dozen foreign lands

without exception, only con artists use unclear and indirect language that is subject to interpretation

a metal screw can be used in a device to make a more accurate metal screw, repeat this process many times

IIRC--and its been a long time since I've bothered reading the bible--what happened is that Moses got one set of commandments from god, came down from the mountain, sand saw the Israelites worshiping a gold cow. He got mad, broke the tablets the laws were on, and then disposed of the Israelites that were engaging in idolatry. Then he went back up the mountain and got the rules we call the ten commandments.

Final line:

Now remember, these are just guidelines, you don't have to take them too seriously, have some fun with them, that's why I made you.

Thou shalt not be a poo poo head

Thou shalt not hold unbelievers to the moral standards thou agreedest to and that only applyeth to thee

Thou shalt not giveth a shitteth about shitteth that is not thine own

"Thou shalt boil water before drinking it" would probably have saved a staggering number of lives. That and a handwashing commandment together would've been a home run for pre-industrial survival rates. "Thou shalt not trust a fearmonger" would also be a good, if perhaps self-defeating commandment.

Thou shall not leave a shitstreak in the bowl, if you do so use the brush before leaving.

15. Pick any three of the above.

Thou shalt not partake of decaf

Thou shalt not have no idea

Thou shalt always go for greatness

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Thou shalt not suppress flatulence

ALL

Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship Pop Idols or follow Lostprophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Dekker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barrett in vain.
Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a paedophile. Some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they've become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thou shalt not buy Coca-Cola products.
Thou shalt not buy Nestlé products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend's best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls' pants. Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you've done your shitty little poem or song you self-righteous prick.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just 'cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied that you're never gonna fucking talk to.

There's a second verse, but I think I'll leave it at that.

11. [my actual name here] is your lord, savior, and 4th form of god, and shall be treated as such.
12. Sinning is the 12th form of liberalism
13. Join an org (mine, preferrably)
14. There can be no peace so long as hunger and want are found among millions of the working people and the few, who make up the employing class, have all the good things of life.
15. Thou shalt seed more than thou downloads, unless thou ist [my actual name here].

You shall not establish theocracies or institutionalize beliefs.

Thou shalt not complain of thy neighbor whilst leaving the identity of thy neighbor ambiguous.