So about five years ago I was an extremely depressed teenager. I remember crying for hours on hours one night, and then after that, I kind of turned off my intense emotions as a defense mechanism. I could still laugh or be annoyed, but I couldn't cry or see beauty or be angry at the world.

This winter was the most difficult of my life. I've messed up, I've lost friendships, I've failed in college, I've been addicted to weed, I've not been the person I want to be. But I was also able to cry for the first time in five years. Not just sniffles and a tear, proper bawling my head off ugly crying. And since then, I have been able to cry at bad things and good things. I got rejected by someone I liked and I cried - last time that happened, and the time before, I felt nothing. I watched the final episode of Mob Psycho and I cried a lot. I didn't cry when it first came out, and I already knew what was going to happen. I'd seen it before, but I cried this time. I also sat on a bench with my friends and looked at the Irish coast and saw the light and the colours and movement and it was beautiful.

Growing is hard and painful. Its one thing to know this intellectually, and another entirely to experience it. You also don't get to choose when you grow. It just happens out of necessity. I'm about to turn 22 and I've only just realized how much time I could have ahead of me, and I need to decide how I'm going to live.

I like analyzing media and looking at characters. I criticize bad character arcs and appreciate strong characterisation. But I've just begun trying in earnest to write a novel, and I've realized how little I actually understand about the human experience. How can I write about things I've never gone through? I don't know, but I'll try.

I'm becoming an adult, for real, actually this time. When I started college I was only an adult in technicality. Now I'm soon leaving college and I've been forced to change. It makes me want to change myself on purpose, and control who I am. When I started college I felt sad, because I felt like I was closing the chapter of my life that was childhood, which I never wanted to end. Now I'm leaving college and I feel like the training wheels have come off, and I can be so much faster and freer. Living is a strange thing, and I'd like to find out more about it.

Had an awful day and a really ugly family blowup

Thought I might actually lose it

Made it through the day with no incidents

Even did my gym sets and got girl scout cookies ordered from (former) crush (they're apparently a troupe leader and have been since they were a kid? Anyways yay cookies, they're nice and I think I'm mostly over my emo shit about that but w/e)

Anyways despite having been really tempted to commit (several) felonies and barely preventing myself from that, I decided after that to find a therapist again and work on CPTSD shit

I may not be able to fully get my shit together yet, but I'm now open to consulting with a shit-cartographer to at least map out where my shit isn't together

I'm sorry but what good intentions can I ascribe to transphobes? I have explicitly told every person who had a bad reaction to me coming out to them that if they asked me why I'd chosen to transition I'd tell them, and not one of them have asked. They objectively do not care to understand me. What good intentions can I possibly ascribe to a person who intentionally invalidates me knowing it hurts me?

I'm not religious anymore but I've never understood this one. It argues the exact opposite conclusion than it's traditionally used to argue.

It's a fact that trans people exist. If God exists and doesn't make mistakes, he made trans people, and therefore transness can't be a mistake. If God doesn't make mistakes, trans people are beautiful. I don't understand how this could possibly be argued any other way

"forcing their way of life onto us".

If someone says "I am a X" and a dweller responds with "no, you are not a X, and here's why I am so certain about that as a third party", that is an act of forcing their worldview/lifestyle onto other people.