i have been struggling with this. i was on 300mg spiro for a number of years and it i thought it had suppressed my sex drive, but when i switched to CPA things started changing for me, i think? but years ago i was kind of insatiable.

i find that arousal for me if a longer-term thing, vs an "in the moment" thing. if i read something that really tingles me, it'll start the little steam engine in my chest in a way that's difficult to ignore. it seems for me that my arousal needs time to breathe and needs to be more stoked like a fire. i think i enjoy the feeling of it building more than the release of orgasm. there's also like a kink element sometimes to it too, and there's a specific tone of voice that really works on me, too.

i started to put this picture together in the past few months - i thought i was acespike or even entirely asexual for a while because of how little of the kind of fantasy i needed to engage with i was engaging with. now i'm not really sure but i know there's at least more to it than just an alarm clock that goes off in my head that says i need to sex.

my therapist talked about the ideas of "brakes" and "accelerators" in sex - you know, classic stuff. brakes, for example, like your parents coming home, kill arousal. accelerators, for example, [insert secret fantasies here], will build arousal. i don't know if any of that would be helpful to you but separating these two kinds of inputs has been helpful for me.

i can't deny that mood could be a factor, though. for me, brakes also include a lot of second-guessing and performance anxiety, which can really make me anxious enough to not be able to be in the moment and enjoy. explicit roles helps me with that, letting someone else take the lead, etc.