Ask Lemmy

I m so fucking shy and introverted. And so I prefer introverted people ,so, that's difficult to find.

Because since my early teens I had to babysit 2 adults in a loveless marriage. My mother is the most vicious human I personally know. She is the definition of a sociopath and narcissist. Every day of my life has felt like being on the receiving end of a Karen's tantrum. Of course nobody knows about that, because the second a 3rd party like a friend or a stranger enters the situation, she acts like an angel with all the nice smiles and politeness we never get to see. My father is on one hand afraid of her and on the other hand still stuck in the fantasy of having a functioning and traditional family. I can't leave them alone, because somebody will literally die if I do. We already had arguments where police had to get involved, and guess on which side the police ended up being on? After those particularly bad arguments I literally had to cook my own food or order take-out because I didn't want to find out what mashed potatoes with fertilizer or rat poison tastes like. I have to be there and act as a witness to every argument because my mother already has shown that she will confidently twist reality to present herself as a victim to authorities. My father isn't exactly a saint either so she has enough to hold legaly over his head.

My mother has completely ruined any woman's image in my eyes. You know how most men end up with a woman that resembles their mother? Well, I'm so afraid of this happening that every time I meet another girl my brain goes on high alert looking for any similarities. And I always find some, which completely shuts me down emotionally towards this person. That's how it's been all my life. Now I'm to old to be in my first real relationship, because partners expect you to be reasonably well put together and emotionally stable, which I am not. I've long accepted my fate of life long loneliness as long I can keep my family drama contained.

I'm what would generally be described as 'damaged goods'. That's why I voluntarily keep myself far away from women. On that note though, I'm great with men, I can meet a total stranger and have him belly laughing and inviting me to their birthday party within the first 20 minutes. I treat women exactly the same, but they neither share a man's humor, nor their common interests. Which works great for me, because I don't have to show any romantic interest, neither does a woman ever see me in a romantic way. I get along 'OK' with women and that's enough for me to make it through the day. Not that it really matters, as of this writing, the last time I've had an eye-to-eye with a woman (excluding cashiers, receptionists or my mother) was maybe a month ago.

It's not like I'm completely numb to affectionate emotions. I still feel the effects of loneliness and isolation like anybody else would. But well... it is what it is. If anything, I try to educate my married friends on a relationships effect on a child's development before they decide to have any themselves. Preventing a single child from going through the same shit I have to experience daily, is for me already a life well lived.

If there's one thing I could say to my younger self it would be 'I'm sorry this happened to you.'

adhd, bullied endlessly since grade school, chronically ill, that chronic illness was unknown therefore mismanaged til high school, intense anxiety, general fear of people...

I'm sure there's more reasons, but those are the ones that come to mind

Having a relationship is a bonus for me. Not having one is normal, and I don't mind.

Also that's like a few hundred things that I don't have to worry about.

I don't know how to talk to people, and I never understand what others want or how they think

I'm young and this is part of the reason why I'm not on dating apps and stuff yet, but I'm shy at making friends so I don't think going on dates would be magically better

also I never met anyone who is as interested as I am in at least one of my hobbies, I don't even know if I can talk about that in case I meet someone, because normally no one is interested so I don't talk about it

I don't believe I could be a good partner. I abandon anything the instant it loses novelty. There is no way I could naturally perform my role in a relationship every day. I may even be the kind of person who would start cheating if they got a taste for relationships but couldn't commit to a person. I'd rather not open that box of possibilities. It's easier to be my impulsive self alone.

Well, even when I had a good job and a lot of money, women were almost never interested or ever wanted anything to do with me. I'm autistic so any effort to blend or fit in never works in a dating or relationship context. I feel like I could either be ungenuine or let my dogshit autist personality run rampant, both of which are unacceptable.

Years later, I no longer have a good job nor a lot of money. It's almost not even socially acceptable to be living the life I live now. I was unwanted even when my life running well, now I have more pressing and immediate issues to be concerned about. At this point attempting to date anyway would be blatantly inconsiderate and out of touch with reality.

The idea of being in a relationship scares me. I grew in a house where my parents had fights, sometimes violent but most times quiet and tense. My sister has had a few relationships where she had to physically take a gun away from her boyfriend. My closest aunty has an on/off relationship with her boyfriend. And, the rest of my family, with the exception of one or two of my aunts and uncles, are all either single or having relationship issues.

Who's to say that I won't be roped into that? I still have nightmares about the fights that still happen to this day. I cower everytime I hear someone raise their voice and I retreat back to my room whenever I feel that tension. I don't want my future spouse to go through something like that so I'd rather just stay alone.

I’m 30-ish, and started to get into a few dates just this year.

I’m not sure why it has taken so long. Maybe it’s because of social anxiety that has taken long time learning how to manage.

I haven’t been on a particularly good date yet though.

Never felt like it literally.

Technically I've been on a couple of dates because friends convinced me that I have to try. I got panic attacks. It felt that I have to perform well to show others that I can do dating, but at the same time I didn't really want to be there.

Because people outside are scary and confusing.

Also, I have a fwb and it would be awkward to bring up.

I've been on 2 first dates and quickly found out that I'm ace. One of them tried to kiss me (was very polite, not creepy, or handsy, so not blaming the guy) but I was mortified. I didn't know what to do so I froze and just made it so uncomfortable. I also felt uncomfortable to be fair. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, if it was going well, what to say, what I should pay, what I should talk about, etc. It was just really stressful for me and I haven't done it since. I wanna say that was about a decade ago, once I left college. And these two dates were my first dates period, as well as my last.

EDIT: I'm also obese, very tall, and unattractive. So no one has asked me out since those two, so it's not like I'm dodging dick on the daily.

I've been in multiple relationships by now but I pretty much never dated or only very sparsely through my 20s, depending on what you'd count. A few reasons:

• When I was younger online dating was much worse than today and had even fewer women, and I feel like approaching women in real life was much harder for several reasons, especially for me given my social anxiety, nerdiness, and lack of opportunity to cross paths with women in my life.
• Financial difficulties - I was living with my parents as an adult and was focused on fixing that situation, and was embarrassed/pessimistic about dating.
• I don't really fit in easily with the vast majority of people in terms of race, religion, activities, or attitudes about several things like money. It feels like race and religion have become less of an issue today, but I still struggle to find women I can relate to in terms of attitudes.
• Overall questionable appearance - OK physique but with bad hair and clothes.

Sidenote: One thing that annoys me is the attitude of measuring people, both men and women, by their level of relationship success. There's very little that's fair or rational about attraction, in fact it's the best example area where rationality would be almost entirely futile. So don't feel bad about it, just do what you want for yourself and ignore judgmental people.

People suck.

We don’t really have dates in my culture. Either we like each other and hookup or we don’t. So when you finally go to the restaurant or whatever, it is with someone you already know and not a total stranger.

But I’m referring to IRL meetups, where you meet people during social events like a party, going to a bar etc (I do that as an introvert that loves being alone, I just don’t go out every night).

I’ve never tried apps like Tinder so maybe the first rendez-vous could be considered a date. I don’t know and don’t plan to discover it.

So to clarify, I have multiple sisters. Two of which I hang out with frequently. I have 0 issues approaching, talking to, or hanging out with women or other people in general. I have some very real Issues relating to mental health that I wouldn't share with any potential partner in a quintillion years.

Maybe I will one day once I have anything to offer in a relationship