this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2024
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inb4 "if it's legal it's not a crime"

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[–] demesisx@infosec.pub 31 points 2 months ago (3 children)

I’d go rob the people that made my entire 20’s and 30’s into indentured student loan servitude for exactly the dollar figure they stole from me plus the insane interest that they tacked onto it because they owned politicians who eliminated all avenues that I could’ve used to get out of that contract.

The figure they stole from me: $197,355.49

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[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 30 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

I know of an exploit on a horribly designed website for a national car park company that would allow me to write a script that would effectively give me and anyone else i know free parking for ever for all car parks administered by this company in the country (which is a lot of car parks).

So i'd do that

[–] Corngood@lemmy.ml 17 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I love that you have a very specific and arguably moral crime in mind, and it inspired this post.

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 9 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

tbh, i was inspired by a post with the same title while lurking on reddit. i have a rule about not posting there though so i bought the conversation here

[–] MisterNeon@lemmy.world 28 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I'd go to the art museum and consume copious amounts of hallucinogens.

[–] HootinNHollerin@lemmy.world 4 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I did that at the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

i got baked in vondelpark before going there

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[–] MisterNeon@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

Great museum, I saw the "Potato Eaters" there.

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[–] Nemo@midwest.social 25 points 2 months ago

The law does not currently prevent me from doing anything I want to do.

[–] shinigamiookamiryuu@lemm.ee 25 points 2 months ago (2 children)

~~Illegal~~ Legal immigration.

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 15 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I didn't even think of that. i could apply for US and EU passports

[–] hagelslager@feddit.nl 7 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Why'd you go for a US passport considering their globally reaching tax laws?

[–] andrewta@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

Why do so many every single year go for us passports and us citizenship?

[–] fckreddit@lemmy.ml 2 points 2 months ago

I would move to Scandinavia, maybe Denmark or Netherlands.

[–] lattrommi@lemmy.ml 23 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Crime means breaking the law, correct?

No location is named, so I will assume this refers the laws of physics and reality.

I would:

  • expand time so that it lasts a near infinite duration, contained entirely within this day of no crime
  • transmute a bunch of the rocks in my apartment into gold
  • alter my DNA to include working wings like a bat, a prehensile tail like a monkey, gills like a salamander, enviromental adaptability like a chameleon that's selective so I can hide these enhancements from others
  • one more enhancement related to a very specific part of the anatomy of a horse or blue whale, or whatever it is people want these days
  • remove all genetic defects of my body, like susceptability to cancer and addictions, grant it full immunity to diseases, put it into a perfect equilibrium with near instantaneous regeneration and longevity and thus allowing my life to last as long as I desire
  • create a star from nothing and collapse it in a way that stores all of its energy into a pocket sized battery with perfect functionality and adaptability that is nearly indestructable
  • hold hands with two chicks at the same time

It's fun to dream of the impossible.

[–] SteposVenzny@beehaw.org 19 points 2 months ago

I keep my head down. No legal consequences isn’t the same thing as no consequences.

[–] HubertManne@moist.catsweat.com 16 points 2 months ago

if I still had my last dog then walk her without a leash.

[–] Hegar@fedia.io 15 points 2 months ago

I'm a renter, so I'd throw a brick through each window of my property manager's tesla.

[–] Chainweasel@lemmy.world 14 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Jaywalk then torrent a movie.

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It's crazy that you guys in the US can get a ticket for crossing the road

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[–] Zerlyna@lemmy.world 10 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (3 children)

Rob Fort Knox.

Rip the toupee off trumps head and get a good picture.

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

you still gotta deal with security though remember

[–] 667@lemmy.radio 8 points 2 months ago (1 children)

But security be off committing their own crimes…

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[–] saigot@lemmy.ca 9 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Assuming we got some time beforehand to prep, blow up a pipeline or 7

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[–] Jourei@lemm.ee 9 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Man, I gotta brew something up in case a Crime Day comes up.

I'd like to do some proper money laundering but I'd need dirty money first. Idk, if skill wasn't an issue, I'd hack the bank and erase my debt? No, make the bank owe ME.

[–] oxjox@lemmy.ml 6 points 2 months ago (2 children)
[–] xmunk@sh.itjust.works 8 points 2 months ago (2 children)

You're thinking small fries...

Rob Elon Musk.

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[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 3 points 2 months ago

it might be legal but you still have to deal with security

[–] HelixDab2@lemm.ee 6 points 2 months ago

Nuke the world.

That's not murder; it's a war crime.

[–] BuboScandiacus@mander.xyz 5 points 2 months ago

> Tries to rob a bank

> gets shot

[–] MissJinx@lemmy.world 4 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I would rob some things I want. Not the money, only the the stuff hahahahaha

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] MissJinx@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago

A bambu lab X1E printer. haha I'm a poor nerd

[–] HootinNHollerin@lemmy.world 4 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I’d torture the shit it out of the parasite sack of shit that is my landlord

[–] hungryphrog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Go shoplift anything I want. Snack/trinket party!

[–] Asafum@feddit.nl 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Banksssss! Rob banks! Then use that money to buy snacks forever!

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[–] Cysioland@lemmygrad.ml 4 points 2 months ago

Transmitting radio without a license

[–] _lilith@lemmy.world 4 points 2 months ago
[–] Xiisadaddy@lemmygrad.ml 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I would steal a single nuclear icbm and take it to a pizza hut and just leave it there. Just seems like it would cause some interesting conversations.

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy 2 points 2 months ago

i imagine the engineering required to get an ICBM to a random pizza hut would be worth a conversation too

[–] SexMachineStalin@hexbear.net 3 points 2 months ago

Help myself to around €200,000 worth of now-free iPhones from the warehouse

[–] anonochronomus@hexbear.net 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

This is 100% fed posting. I'm not telling you what I got up my sleeve!

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[–] Im_old@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago

Nice try mr. Copper! 😝

[–] Kwakigra@beehaw.org 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It the best day of the year to get rich from the imaginary economy of assets. Set a bot to match the trades of some people who will be insider trading and cash in every year.

[–] B0rax@feddit.org 4 points 2 months ago (4 children)

I don’t think that is illegal now. As you are technically not an insider

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[–] Professorozone@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

Speeding. Oh wait... nevermind.

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