Merica
this post was submitted on 27 Aug 2024
393 points (98.5% liked)
Not The Onion
12540 readers
287 users here now
Welcome
We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!
The Rules
Posts must be:
- Links to news stories from...
- ...credible sources, with...
- ...their original headlines, that...
- ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”
Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.
And that’s basically it!
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Even our wildlife needs mobility scooters
but hey, we can always strap some fusion-powered mobility thrusters and it'll soar with the best of them, right?
(also, while we're at it, lets give them control of their shits and train them to shit on trump.)
Fuck yeaa
TLDR; he ate a racoon.
I would welcome this reply in any thread. And from now on I expect to see it in every thread.
I hope to see it in the thread after the presidential debate.
TL;DR he ate a racoon
Be the change you want to see in this world.
You're right. This is my calling...
While it is nice, I hesitated. This seems to be an independent site, and if their revenue model is visits/ads, I dont really want to take away from them.
That being said, for this one I felt like the headline was too clickbaity.
This could also be a convincing headline about RFK Jr
Post it!
AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!
WHERE EVEN THE EAGLES ARE MORBIDLY OBESE
In the early 2000s I worked at a company that had a small central courtyard in the middle of the building. All four sides of the courtyard were three or more stories high.
Pigeons used to congregate in the courtyard and pick for crumbs.
One day, a huge hawk came down and snatched himself a big fat pigeon.
He sat there for most of an hour picking at this bird. When he finally went to leave he couldn't clear the lowest wall.
We called animal control, they said if he's still there in 2 days let us know.
He crapped all over the place and by the end of day to was able to just fly out.
I'm not exactly certain that he wasn't hurt and just got better enough to fly out but it really looked like he just ate himself into a condition where he couldn't get back out of there.
That's hilarious 😆
It was also the only approved smoking location anywhere near the building. So all the smokers crowded into the far corner of the courtyard while the hawk held down the other half.
He was big, probably just shy of two feet tall. Any squawked it anyone that was anywhere near him while he was eating his pigeon.
Merica fuck yeah.
freedom noises
🎵God bless the USA 🎵
Other than the word "eagle," this headline could be about me.
If it makes you feel any better, I think pretty much every single other person is too fat/heavy to fly with our wings
The bird was unable to fly after eating what is suspected to be raccoon roadkill.
"My ancestors hunted, but I mostly just sit by the side of a highway and wait for cars to do my hunting for me. They can even bring down deer."
Bald eagles are in fact scavengers. They’re shit birds, are not majestic, fuck with the real birds of prey, and steal their kills. Also they eat road kill, and their cry is disconcertingly discordantly cringe.
I awhile back I saw an eagle eating roadkill and as my car approached, it grabbed the carcass it was eating and flew off into a field with it a few feet, dropped it, and sat down to start eating it again.
Had no idea eagles ate carrion. I figured that one was just young or something and having a hard time hunting, but I guess not?
Basically, AFAIK, eagles can hunt fish from the sea. They eat other birds & various creatures. They look majestic AF & their eyes are amazing. But they're not the most intelligent birds around.
They also eat a lot of roadkill, carrion, trash. So looks aside, bald eagles are kind of disgusting. But hey. Something has to clean up trash...and if the bald eagles will eat rotting carcasses... technically that is being useful.
Get him a mobility drone.
Insurance said no.
Convergent evolution. Some eagles are evolving into chickens. A new species of murder chickens.
They're just re-evolving lost traits.
RETURN TO DINO
WTF IS A KILOMETER!!!! RAHHHH 🦅 🔫
I wonder if his insurance covers Semaglutide?
I feel like Roger Alan Wade weren't singing about a God damn bald eagle, but never the less:
The ain't no wings on a pachyderm, it's too fat too fly
Ain't ko wings on a barn yard pig, it's too fat to fly
There ain't no wings on your fat ass and there ain't no wonder why
Relatable.
eagle eats too much burgers like real americans