this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024
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This entire couchfucker talk reminds me again how weird it is that cishet dudes have exactly one allowed way of masturbating. Getting off inside a piece of furniture is probably the least objectionable thing this dingus ever did, it's like the Liz Truss day collar discourse all over again. Let's not even get me started on how people in politics are the absolutely last group whose sex life i want to hear about.
Wait are there new and interesting ways that queer people masturbate? I thought the physics of the thing limited the options
I would say to look up muffing, but maybe "look up" might be inadvisable. Anyway it's a non-anal way penis-havers can experience penetration. (sorry if too horny for Hexbear)
Oh... Oh my. To each their own. That sounds... Painful
i tried that shit once when i was like 12. it was not worth the effort, didn’t even feel that much better than my hand
Hello, volcel police?
The people's VOLCEL VANGUARD are on the scene! PLEASE RESERVE YOUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS FOR STRATEGIC ACTS OF MASS REVOLUTIONARY CUMMING!!!
Mfs acting like they haven't dry humped a couch while furtively watching late-night mid 2000s HBO
I know a guy who really fucked a couch. He stopped because his stepdad found out and explained to him that something terrible would happen if he kept doing it.
Anyway, he's the raddest anarchist I know and the only couch fucker I respect.
Edit: I should say, he's the couch fucker I respect the most. I don't want to offend any of my internet friends that might be secret furniture lovers.
What would happen? Chafing?
Well if he's blowing his loads inside the couch I'd imagine it's gonna start to smell eventually.
You're supposed to use protection
So that’s why my grandmothers couch was covered in clear plastic
Nutted in my couch so much it started smelling sweet
Oh god yeah you have to clean up afterwards.
I may or may not have seen a number of porn vids online of guys screwing a fleshlight or object wedged between couch cushions or mattresses or pillows in my travels.
Fucking a couch is a violation of your Volcel Oath 
Fucking the couch was the only vaguely human and relatable thing he hada going for him.
what about the power dynamics of fucking a couch?
Is fucking a couch vegan
Is it a leather couch?
I'm the bottom
Fucking the couch is what the union wanted
Did the couch consent tho?
How does the couch not chafe, couch fuckers? Yall just have golden impenetrable penis skin dipped in the river Styx?
Usually it's to wedge
something...
Cock sleeve (sorry)
not me tho, no couch, no way... I've always used a purpose built mount
The gentle bears choice
I've heard (and definitely never tried this as a horny teenager left alone for the weekend) that you put a ziplock full of lotion/lube of choice between the cushions and use it as an improvised masturbation aid. I've also heard that it's more work than it's worth and much better results can be found using a couple of sponges, a few rubber bands, and the aforementioned lube filled ziploc
Do not fuck couches.
in couches
You're not my real parents!
We love our pansexual 
posters!
I think in this case it's more divansexual.
Hey we don't fuck couches. Only certain kitchenware
Widening the hole in my pasta spoon as we speak
v-vance kun, onegai!
No officer i neither have nor will i ever fuck a couch 
People do this?