Asklemmy

I FUCKING HATE CAPITALISM THE WORLD IS FUCKING BURNING AND NOBODY GIVES A SHIT

I'm a skilled fuckin mason. But I've put my notice in so I'm being given all the shit jobs on my last week. The past three days I've been descaling parts of the wall. What's descaling you ask? Going over the entire wall with a hand brush and a wire brush, knocking off all the loose bits. Meanwhile their star mason is installing stones with ledges so big you could hang a fuckin coffee cup off em, and totally missing mortar on entire stones. Literally just plop em on the wall and keep going. Fuck this place, and fuck Bob specifically.

I’m lonely. I broke up with my partner Valentine’s Day before last (found out she was cheating on me!). Turned 30 late last year, I work from home, and I’m not super outgoing y’know? I haven’t tried online dating since 2017 prior to this and it just sucks. It’s awful. It’s so hard to get a sense of a person on there so it ends up not being very successful. I’m sick of being in my apartment like fucking Rapunzel in the tower.

I've completely given up on finding someone to spend my life with. I'm 27m and I have nothing to offer outside of love. Every girl I'm even slightly attracted to already has a boyfriend. I'm not unattractive but I have resting bitch face and I'm intimidating. I've lived my whole life with people being afraid of me which fuels my need for companionship. I know I'm not owed anything from anyone but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt.

Anymore I've just accepted that I'm going to die alone because I'm only going to be wanted for what I can provide when I just want to be fucking loved. My own family doesn't even love me. All they can talk about is how I'm not good enough or I'm not applying myself correctly.

I hate being a man..

The entirety of the first few pages of my subscription feed are all posts about Sync for Reddit and about the Logitech controller used in the submersible.

The threadiverse has gaping fundamental flaws in its implementation. It will of course get better over time. But damn. This isn't great.

Depression. I am very lonely. I have no plans for the future. Everything feels meaningless, most of all my existence.

I am absolutely exhausted with me and my kid's ADHD. My wife is always upset at us because we can't remember shit and I've spent my life feeling guilty because nobody will ever just give me a break.

I'm expected to be "on" at all times and I just can't do it forever. Sometimes I just need to do things my own, likely inefficient way, but at least at home it usually ends in being berated because I didn't do it "the right way".

It's so insanely demoralizing. I don't even want to bother trying at anything because it will only be met with derision. What's even the point. Fuck it all.

Shit like that is why I still dream of disappearing forever to be alone and just left to my own devices.

Thanks for letting me vent. Just so tired.

I've been trying to get assessed for ADHD for almost a month now, and the therapist i've been trying to schedule with has been dragging their feet for WEEKS.

Both my brother and father have ADHD, my brother was diagnosed when he was a teenager but my dad was diagnosed in his 50s (I am 30). I work from home, which works great and I have no regrets, but when I get distracted, i get distracted HARD. I am constantly getting up, I have about 60 tabs open on multiple monitors, about every 30 seconds I think "I should look at xy or z" and open a new tab. When i'm not working, I have to have 2 or 3 things on at a time (read social media app redacted, have a tv show on, play with my dog, ect), and I have constant decision block in choosing how to spend my free time. It's getting to the point where I'm up until 2am or worse towards the end of every deadline. I have a bunch of side projects I really want to dig into, but I can't seem to maintain focus on any of them.

My insurance covers the costs of therapy but only within network, so I feel a little hamstrung to use this therapist because they're the closest to me and have great reviews and seem to have an approach I would appreciate, but JESUS CHRIST just respond to my fucking emails! To add to the stress, I feel very self conscious of the perception I might be fishing for drugs, and ever time I send a follow up email i feel like i'm making it look like I don't really need help.

I feel like i'm failing my wife, and my employer, and my friends, and I just want some help so I can get my life a little more in control. It's exhausting.

I don't know what the heck to do with my life.
I should be happy I finished my major but Im not, Ive been depressed and confused ever since.
It seems like most of the "typical career paths" for my profession are not for me and my attempts to do something a bit different are met with really strange looks from my peers, my friends, my family and my coworkers.

Well you see I just found the fediverse and everything seemed fine, then you get issues with the front page not updating, and deleted comments don't federate and user display names and profile descriptions doesn't update and um... its just annoying. Not anyone's fault, developing code is hard, I know, but this is a post about venting so...

And real life is just not something I'd even wanna begin talking about, it'd would be 5 more paragraphs of stuff no one wants to read.

I am so angry. I am so sick and tired of just stating my experiences as a woman and having people who are not women straight up tell me that I'm wrong. About my own life experiences. It's fucking exhausting to be surrounded on all sides by bad faith actors, knowing full well that you won't get through to them, and feeling defeated, like the world is going backwards and you can feel your rights being torn away from you bit by bit, trying desperately to stand up for yourself and having any words you say fall on deaf ears. I'm so sick of not being listened to. I'm so sick of not being believed. I am so fucking sick of not being respected. I just want to be treated like a human and not be criticised for literally just fucking existing.

I'm so done.

I utterly despise my supervisor. Seriously, shut the fuck up! These 85 meetings could have all been an email, you don’t listen to the rest of us anyway, and nobody gives shit about your medication schedule. Learn how to manage yourself before inflicting your crap on other people.

I have to take care of a 3 year old with pink eye giving her antibiotic eye drops 4 times a day for a week. It's like wrangling a greased screaming pig. She doesn't sleep though the night from the coughing, so i dont sleep through the night. I'm all alone while my spouse is on a work trip for 2 weeks, so he gets to miss out on all of this start to finish! No daycare or taekwondo so I can get a break! No family or support! All me all alone with a shit eyed toddler and no sleep for 2 weeks straight. That's on top of all the other agonizing responsibilities haunting me every day. I'm so tired, 10 days left......

I watched my grandfather die last night after months of him battling ALS. I've already accepted his death years ago and I know he's at peace now so it's okay.

But the fact I can't explain to my dog that she should stop looking for him and waiting for him to walk through the door tears me up inside.

Nope, I'm good. But thanks for asking.

I'm at a crossroads in life where I need to start making large and impactful decisions about my future. It's a very lonely place to be.

Will my long term relationship last?

Do I want it to?

Will I try to stay in this (IRL) community?

Do I want to?

Will I stay in this career path?

Can I afford not to?

Etc.

Usually I'd talk to my partner about all this, but because our relationship is also part of my issues, I feel like I can't. So as a result... I'm feeling lonely and overwhelmed.

I have no energy to do the things I want to do and my parents would pull the "I worked full time and got a masters". Like yeah, of course I appreciate their sacrifice but damn.

Every weekend I stay up trying to recoup some time to do the things I want but I end up just feeling more tired.

Mostly unrelated but also I feel like I'm living half a step detached from society. I am grateful for my SO who mostly get me at least.

My manager is in meetings all the time but has a big ego so they have had no time to view my work but they ABSOLUTELY insist that they know exactly what I’ve done and that it needs to be better.

Bitch all the things he’s complaining about I’ve already done but it’s impossible to get a word in.

I'm sick and tired of working for other people. Having to take PTO to do literally anything you want to do on a weekday is so fucked, and I'm one of the lucky people (who works PST while in EST). Corporate policies and politics truly do run rampant through every company, and I just need to keep working on products until one becomes sustainable long-term.

Feel like that's the key to financial and physical freedom - making the next big thing, then getting it to a solid state and just doing gradual improvements. Don't pull a spez, don't piss people off and don't add too many new features after a while or you'll kill what you have. And for the love of GOD, don't go public.

IPO'ing and going public are what kill companies with great things running for them, simply due to the "keep growing every day until the company inevitably collapses" mindset.

My rant is that I love in an existential crisis.
I know the world sucks. I know why the world sucks and I think I have solutions to some of those issues. However how can I act upon them.

I'm forever flip flopping on leaving everything behind and living as a nomad in a cave or trying to get into office to right the wrongs of this world.

I'd love to leave a legacy of actually doing something worthwhile with my life as most lives are pointless.
We are nothing. We live we die and Majority of us will destroy more than we will ever create.

Nothing I do or most do matters. I could due tomorrow and my existence would be a footnote in an obituary. With that most things people do don't impact on the greater humanity.

Yet we have capacity to truly be remarkable. But to do that we need to take risks. Risks that would ultimately force us into something we do t actually want to do. Risks that would be life altering and destroy the current east life we live.
.
Simple question regarding bringing a child into this life. Knowing they will have a worse life than us and forcing them to exist what be a form of torture.

Hopefully decisions will be made by fate and I won't need to torture myself until something snubs me out. Could I make a difference it will I be forgettable like everyone else

I wish Python was faster. It's so easy to write code in it.. but then it's easy to get bottlenecked either in multithreaded workloads or just from weird io choices.

Like I wrote some code to talk to LDAP using an open source lib and big queries are like 10x slower than shelling out to ldapsearch. So I like Python, but man the performance bites me sometimes.

There are small gains being made to make it faster, but bigger ones seem to be in perpetual limbo.

I wish my life wasn't this complicated. Wife left me couple of years back on her own and now she won't divorce me until I pay a heft amount to her. On top of stress and depression, I got diagnosed with multiple health problems including high cholesterol and diabetes. Life sucks for me at this point. I just wish all this gets over soon so I can focus on my health and career more.

poolitics <leaving the typo> - just... ugh, all of it!

I am insufficiently caffeinated right now. Also, I am sore from riding my bike all day yesterday.

Heh, guess things are going pretty OK for me all things considered.

I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!