Same here. I actually just decided last night that I hate who I am so much that I'm going to "kill myself" in that I'm going to try to completely kill off the person that I "was."

I have a lot of respect for transgender people who sort of go through a similar thing so I'm taking inspiration from them and saying old asafum is dead, I killed him, and in his place I'll be a new asafum.

[–] ExhibiCat@lemmynsfw.com 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I've had much more success with just embracing who I am, flaws included, than with trying to change my nature. I was able to achieve much more by stopping to try to be someone I'm not.

But your mileage may vary of course.

[–] Asafum@feddit.nl 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

That's the route I went initially. I thought I was being delusional by thinking I could be different, the thought of denying my initial feelings/reactions felt like I was being "fake" or denying who I am, but then I just remain as the person I hate most in the entire world.

I can't live life being an angry bitter miserable asshat who never misses a chance to beat himself up because I think I deserve it. If I hate that person so much then I should just leave them in the past and be better. It's so strange that it's actually physically painful to go through. Like I get headaches fighting off my initial reaction and forcing myself to think differently/positively.

[–] eatthecake@lemmy.world 2 points 10 months ago

Remember to forgive yourself and let go of that hate, whatever you do. Self forgiveness is important for moving forward and you deserve to give yourself that.

[–] EldritchFeminity@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 10 months ago

If you can't get a big tiddy goth gf, then become the big tiddy goth gf.

Fill your house with arcane and esoteric items of dubious origin simply because they make you happy (bootleg pokemon figurines). Join a coven (D&D group or whatever other hobby) and join together for rituals that reignite the connection with nature that exists in all of us (hang out and touch some grass; pet a dog/cat, it'll literally reduce your risk of heart disease). Become the witch who lives at the end of the street, creating strange brews that heal the sick (start a garden and cook homemade soup for your friends). Create a new family bound not by blood, but by bonds forged through hardship and triumph both. Move in with a girl that historians will refer to as your "good friend" and roommate.

Realize that it's all you, and it always has been. That the person you were was simply the shell you created to protect yourself from the world. You are the big tiddy goth gf of your dreams and you can be the big tiddy goth gf that other people dream of, and all you have to do is let go of your shackles (and your facial hair).