this post was submitted on 29 Oct 2023
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No, this doesn't help. A specific person you care for can't be diminished into that general "attention" thing.
So you look at yourself more critically. Then something like what's described in the post happens, and then you still feel pain, but it's dull and you can't locate it, so to say, because in the universe you imagine after such advice you'll find plenty of reasons you are flawed and nobody should look at you.
And then after some time you understand that the pain is there because really everybody has flaws, "that other guy" included. It's just that you haven't been accepted and "that other guy" has been. Somehow your flaws were worse and your advantages not as significant as those of "that other guy".
And - everybody wants to be accepted, without being the best and the coolest. Just for being a human.
People do need these things, but it’s both. Part of stepping back and introspecting should be learning that you aren’t to everyone’s tastes no matter what you do. You could be an active volunteer athlete and charming as hell and get rejected because your life sounds exhausting to someone you like. That’s not bad, that’s life. Be who you want to be and accept that not everyone wants that person.
That'd be easy when rejected outright. Not when your contacts with the person you like have made you lower your guard and start believing that they may accept you, and then they just ... throw you out.
I'm starting to appreciate the traditional way, where you know whom you can meet and possibly marry and whom you can't. It's a cultural thing, and some people's upbringing is just incompatible with mine. I wouldn't ever do anything like that to a person who'd like me even if I didn't like them, it's like throwing out a dog or a cat.
A bit like those societies where lynching is normal - if it's a crowd doing it, then it's not a crime. So having grown up in many families, girls and boys think that if for some reason another side seems weak or ill or depressed and in general not fun, that requires no effort on their side, just look for someone more fun, no humanity required. I fail to see how such people are going to create families of their own and have children, though.
You’re positively comparing something you do to lynching. Above all else that’s why you’re single. Well the reason behind it is.
And you’re not describing something desirable. Like looking for someone fun may not result in something great but looking for people you feel good around who want the same thing as you does result in amazing things.
I’m happily married. A lot of people don’t want what I offer, but plenty do. My wife does.
Humanity is irrelevant here. What about the humanity of the other people. Willing association is key. Divorce is sacred
No, I'm obviously comparing things acceptable to others "just because I don't want to bother being kinder and more respectful and having a normal direct conversation" which I'm not doing to lynching.
Also just ascribing wrong meanings to what I say or write or do (and not even trying to clarify those) is one of the main surface reasons I have these problems. At least every one openly expressed by the other side is attributing some position or opinion to me which clearly isn't the reality.
While there is that principle of "who wants, looks for opportunities, and who doesn't, looks for excuses", it's still unclear for me whether there is some reason people are unwilling to express though I'm literally asking for it, or just explaining themselves is really so hard, so it's about misunderstandings.
Or maybe girls just see my attempts to clarify things as lack of dignity and weakness, which would be the opposite to what I think.
I mean, independently of that question, above all else you are just illustrating that wrong category of humans I'm talking about.
They too like to interpret my words however they like to justify their behavior, while openly trying to prevent me from clarifying what I meant which would make their interpretation wrong. It's really sad when someone won't even criticize you honestly.
And when it's a girl I care for, I can't treat her opinion as easily as yours, it becomes some center of existence, heart of humanity for me. That is a problem, yes. Only it alone doesn't explain everything. There still should be something explaining why that girl wouldn't break up without almost saying I am defective. It usually does coincide in time with her becoming that center of existence, but why does that create negative vibes or something, I don't know.
People with cold are not fun, people with broken limbs are not fun, people with food poisoning are not fun. They also may not want the same thing as you. They are actually kinda miserable and uninteresting while still sick. Same for people with depression.
Somehow I don't just discard friends who got sick. Others usually don't as well. But somehow with depression it becomes normal for many people.
It's relevant to what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about people just cutting it down long after you've expressed most of what you'd want to express about yourself, down to the core, and then not taking any effort to make it less painful.
Silently and abruptly, looking at you the "oh, it's so bad that you are so miserable, but just get lost, you're annoying" way, and when being asked a to give some idea as to why, saying both not very specific and rather unpleasant things like "you should do something to your emotions" and "you have an image of a teenager" and "a shaking leaf taking lots of time for basic social actions".
I'm not talking about unwillingness, but when you aren't willing to associate anymore, and that does hurt another person, it would be decent to say some parting words with more meaning than, in short, "you look and behave kinda cute, which is why I started talking to you, but you are really not alpha enough with those emotions for me, so sad you exist". That is, maybe if I should do something about those emotions, then she herself should also be a bit more tactful and not just go with the hormones and vibes ape path while breaking up?
You've used another short sentence with the same meaning as the previous one, as if you have me figured out completely and that reprise in your comment as an artful mean is worth more effort. Since it falls completely off-target, that looks stupid.
If you act in real life in any way similar to this comment... yeah it's your personality and you'll keep getting rejected as soon as people see this side of you. Work on positivity. Positivity attracts people, overwhelming negativity like this attitude you are displaying here repulses them. Of course there are exceptions but like it or not, it's a fact for the majority of people.
No, the "negativity and positivity" folks are the kind I don't wanna even to argue with. No, thanks.
One my friend, 7 years older than me, still depends on his parents to pay his rent. He talks like you about "negativity" and "positivity", a lot. It would seem that attracting people is one of the few things he can do. He is my friend regardless of faults and mistakes, but if I were like you, he probably wouldn't be.
Another my friend blabbers about "negativity and positivity" too, but sometimes posts really long walls of hardly-comprehensible maniacal texts at 2 AM involving lots of emotions. She doesn't want to visit a psychiatrist. On a brighter side, she's the only person which talks to me after the rejection just as well as before, and the rejection itself she managed to do right - simply by being human.
This is not a reason. I have a friend with the same amount of "negativity" as myself, that friend is a girl too, though. Helped me through hard times. She does have same problems as I do, but for girls it's different.
And my sister's boyfriend is of the "multiple suicide attempts" kind and his relative cheerfulness doesn't quite seem cheerful.
And my cousins' dad has PTSD from war, he's a very cheerful man often, but he doesn't treat "negativity" as something justifying what you justify.
Other than that, you having a cold or a food poisoning is also unattractive. Same with depression. These things come and go.
It's cowardly and disgusting to discard people for this reason. I wouldn't do that, I'm just surprised every time that for others it's normal.
Also if you do that, then at least be direct and don't behave as if it's another's fault, because that another is going to waste lots of effort and emotion to find out that they've done nothing wrong, it's just that your parents have failed.
EDIT: Yep, didn't want to argue that and wrote a rant.
If people feel bad being around you, they're not going to want to be around you. Simple as that. It's not even a conscious decision, it's a subconscious mechanism of being part of a social species. It's not just plain negativity, but moreso festering bitterness. Your comments exude it. And it matches what you said, people don't "discard" you immediately, but once you get to know them, drop your guard, and show them your bitterness.
You whine that people shouldn't "discard" you even though you're so bitter, but that right there is a sign of entitledness. People have one life, why spend it with someone bitter who makes you miserable, instead of someone who makes you feel good and happy and helps you get the most out of the one short life you get? They're not "discarding" you, it's not all about you, they are protecting their own right to seek happiness in life. You try to paint it as if it's all about you, removing their agency, and their rights, it's just about you, you, you.
You can ignore what I'm saying, or try to paint me as a bad person for saying it, but it is a fact. And I'm not the one complaining about being "discarded." You're not stuck, you can change. Or you can just blame me for saying it like you blame everyone else, ignore your own agency and responsibility, and stay miserable. Your choice.
I mean, you start with admitting your failure at reading comprehension. Why should I explore your reply further?
Looking through it diagonally - your choice of words, like "bitter", "whine" and "entitledness" doesn't really raise expectations.
The first part is some picture of me painted by your imagination without regard for my comments which admittedly contain a lot of text, often redundant.
The second part is pure demagogy without any essence with some traits of how people bad at motivational rhetoric imagine it.
I mean, however I would feel about various events in my life, I'm happy (literally, this comparison makes me feel much better right now) I'm not you.
If you are reading this expecting to find some answer to your opinions on me, and not a description of you, there will be none.
Pull your head out of your ass so you can see, You are the maker of your own misery.
A completely useless comment.
EDIT:
Half my complaints are about immoral (in my opinion, which is about half of what's important between two people, half is a lot) people pretending to be moral, while I'm making lots of effort to clarify who I am and who they are before allowing myself any feelings.
Another half is about misunderstandings with people I'd die for.
I'd be fine with being completely alone if I confidently knew that I've never met ones of the second kind with romantic perspective, and that I've never mistaken the first kind for the second kind.
The problem is that I'm not sure about the former and the latter happens and takes too much time and effort.
I'm definitely not complaining about people like you or those that would consider you normal not liking me. I don't want you or your kind to like me. Is that clear?
Just wanted to say I agree with you. I'm not a compatible friend for everyone, but just because I have some issues doesn't mean that I'm incapable of good friendship. I've never had a close friend who was only ever positive of negative-- I don't think I've ever met someone I could classify as either. I love my friends, and because I love them I love to be there with them when things are good in their lives and when things are bad.
There's nothing wrong with being depressed, having a generally hard life, or just being cynical. Some people might prefer to be surrounded by happy people, and I don't see a problem with that, but that's not everyone, nor should it be.
For the record, I have walked away from relationships because the other person treated me poorly-- I just don't consider "not being happy/positive enough" to fall into that category.
Being accepted is different from being dated though. And dating is not just about evaluating people rationally. For most people, something must click, and there are many factors that you cannot control - like the way your body gives of a special kind of smell that indicates your potencial compatibility based in the type of your immunity. It's wild stuff and it matters.
Yes, I know.
A bit tired of posting in this thread with nasty emotions from cold because, well, I do have cold now.
That wild stuff clicks very much. FFS, it clicks every bloody time. Smells, moves, tone, appearances, things we discuss.
I mean, for some time. It doesn't click when you're sick, don't sleep well and drink atrocious volumes of tea with sugar without doing any sports, also being tired all the time. Usually, cause, say, the last time it clicked even in these conditions.
Nah, problems start with deep text communication, and the scary thing is that I say all the same things that I say in person. Just emotions she gets while I'm talking IRL are completely different from those she gets from my text, while it's really the same for me.
Ah, to your comment's starting line - I didn't mean being dated by being accepted. You can reject someone still making them feel accepted. I've done that a couple of times. Was at some point starting to think it looks differently from the other side, but relatively recently got a rejection of this kind and it is so much better that it doesn't feel like a catastrophe at all.
Get well soon, vacuumflower!
Thx. Saw recently a piece of good advice of "if you're not ashamed to think it, you shouldn't be ashamed to say it" and probably Lemmy was not the place to say it, LOL.
Yeah, sometimes not being ashamed to type it doesn't bring the results one would hope for.