"Nearly every social event I have attended with [communists] has inevitably had some conversation about linux, furry culture, obscure leftist history, tabletop games, or other equally nerdy subjects"
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social yapping, what is relationships
It's interesting when you stop initiating, and you see how much pressure was on you alone to keep it all going. For me if always begs the question, how strong was our little friend group or our little network if it was predicated on me always making the effort.I think I killed at least three of my college group chats after graduation because I couldn't just keep entertaining. And that was my best chance at staying in touch with anyone after leaving school. I got pissed and left a couple of the group chats, thinking someone would notice or ask. Obviously they didn't.
spoiler spoiler I'm bottoming out. Obviously nobody will notice. Obviously nobody will ask. It was stupid to have hope.
Maybe I will just focus on me. That feels like an admission that the idea of helping one another is doomed. That I am not worthy of help. That I cannot learn how to ask. But if I'm really supposed to prioritize myself, yeah, it feels like I'm supposed to say screw you to everyone else. Nobody is like, talking me through the nuances there.
Asking for help literally feels like a fucking challenge. It's like, "Wendy, you have to say your words perfectly otherwise you won't get help or you will get help in a way you don't want and it won't go well and it'll be worse than not asking." I have to ask The Perfect Questions in order to get the understanding I need in order to communicate my points. Like, it's just another thing I need to do perfectly otherwise I feel terrible and hate myself.
It's really a thing of like, wow, I'm dead to you, or you must've all died, because I never could've imagined us falling out of touch. I don't know what we are if not dead to one another. And that's not because I hate these people or something. I just don't understand what happened.
Very relatable... People seem to be so averse to open communication, it's very frustrating