The Onion

While experts have chillingly predicted that Trump may soon be able to identify Canada on a globe, others have offered hope.

“I don’t often say this as a medical professional, but we’ve really got dementia on our side here,” explains Dr. Arthur Anderson of the Calgary Alzheimers Research Alliance.

Dr. Anderson elaborates, “Given how much of the campaign President Trump spent rambling to Joe Rogan and jerking off microphones, the prognosis indicates that by January he won’t be able to find a bathroom unassisted, let alone Canada.”

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida representative Matt Gaetz informed his girlfriend Valentina he will be able to go to her 15th birthday party after ending his bid for Attorney General, sources who attend Rickards High School confirm.

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/28339188

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has officially announced that in addition to walkable cities, vaccines, and transgender children, they are also deeply afraid of eating bugs.

“We WON’T Eat Bugs,” the CPC said in an online petition it posted this week. “No one is asking us to, but we’re so scared someone might, and it could be Justin Trudeau. And that makes us furious and so very frightened of this version of Justin Trudeau that we made up who is making us eat bugs.”

The South Korean radical feminist 4B movement, in which women swear off marriage, childbirth, dating men, and sex with men, has sparked intense conversations among Americans on social media. Here is what you need to know about 4B.

Q: How did the 4B movement start?

A: It was developed in South Korea by a group of women who watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and realized men are more trouble than they’re worth. 

Q: Why is it gaining popularity after the election?

A: Just a coincidence.

Q: Who are its members?

A: Thousands of women who haven’t seen you in that sleeveless hoodie yet

Q: Isn’t the Korean 4B movement virulently transphobic and homophobic?

A: Typical male question.

Q: Who benefits the most from this movement?

A: The 2028 Vance presidential campaign.

Q: Isn’t this the plot of Lysistrata?

A: Wow, someone has a classics degree

Q: Why are Americans joining the 4B movement?

A: To improve TikTok engagement for women everywhere.

Q: What can men do to help?

A: Whatever they’re doing now is already helping increase membership just fine.