Losing pets is always hard, I'm sorry.
BountifulEggnog
joined 2 years ago
I don't get it at all. I've told him its terrible, that I struggle to function, and I relapsed with my self harm stuff. I don't know why he keeps bringing it up as a thing he's worried about. Definitely completely overwhelmed by it.
I know you have, I need to. If it wasn't so entangled with my family I would have already.
You don't sound that way at all, you sound like you are trying to make me feel better. Thank you. I will try to stay safe.
spoiler
I've written notes before. I always struggled, because I didn't have the words to describe my suffering. It was unclear to me. Now, it is much clearer. I don't have a desire to write anything lengthy though. It isn't possible for them to understand anyway. When the time comes, I'll probably just write something short. Leaving without saying anything seems wrong. Something short and simple seems fitting. I've never liked saying more then I need to.
spoiler
You suffer, then you die. I've suffered, can I move past it please? Step 1 is finished.
Actually, I just saw something to make me even more upset, why tf not post it if I want to. Very upsetting, don't read if you aren't ready for that, whatever.
suicide and self harm
Why the fuck is cutting not a method? Literally like a 3% chance. Why can't I just cut myself and bleed out. I love cutting, I want to die a mess, its literally perfect IF IT COULD FUCKING WORK. But it wouldn't. And, bonus upsetting thing about it, any failure would probably fuck me over forever in some way. Hit a nerve or muscle or some shit. Unlike other methods who's failure wouldn't really do that. Not that I have what I need for those methods either.
god it would just be so good. I have sharps, I love blood, I love the feeling of cutting myself. What a way for me to go. But no, that's not actually how it works. Fucking, 3% chance. I'm in no way more able to do it then 97% of people who try.
edit: oh, but at least the shit I did the other day makes these feelings easier to deal with. less painful. Fucking love having open shit. How on earth could I function without cutting myself tbh.
I HATE having things I want to say, thoughts I want to share, but knowing I can't. Inappropriate to share here, therapist will try and send me to inpatient. Also just like, fuck him. Last session he brought up for the fucking hundredth time he's worried I'm "being influenced" and "going with the flow". Dipshit. Because I guess that's what people with avpd do. Honestly I should just never mention my diagnosises to anyone again if they're going to be used against me like that.
Goodnight terminal 
Hope you sleep well.
I'm not beating myself up about it right now, I'm worried this behavior is going to continue and get worse. Probably, it causes a lot of things. No, no one offline. I'm not sure what I can do.
I mean, yea. Kinda embarrassing. Trying to work on it when I'm doing better then... whatever has happened tonight.