this post was submitted on 09 Mar 2024
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LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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I'm conflicted about getting surgery due to sexual preferences that conflict with my preferred genitals and I need advice. (lemmy.zip)
submitted 8 months ago by Sombyr@lemmy.zip to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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First, sorry for dodging around some words here. I've got some trauma and a lot of words are hard for me to say. You don't need to watch your own language, it's only saying them, not hearing them, that triggers anxiety in me.

I'm gonna get right into it. I hate having a dick. I want to get surgery. Zero depth specifically, because I straight up don't have the mental willpower to go through dilating, no matter how infrequent. I can barely stand the fact that my hormones come out of a bottle instead of my body, so I don't need more reminders of what I am. I'd rather just feel like a girl born without a canal who chose to never have that fixed.

But that's not where the problem comes in. Now, for context, I'm a virgin, but nonetheless I know what I'd enjoy. I know I'd very greatly enjoy using what I already have for penetration. In fact, I know I'd enjoy it enough that the idea of getting rid of it for the option that I'm more comfortable with all of the rest of the time somehow seems unappealing. Like if I got rid of it, then I'd regret it in every sexual encounter for the rest of my life. I also know for certain I wouldn't enjoy using, say, a strap on nearly as much.
And that brings on an additional problem, because every other time I've consistently regretted not getting the surgery sooner. And now I feel like I'm having to pick between one regret or another, and I can't pick. No matter what I'm gonna wish I did the opposite.

Maybe I'd regret getting the surgery less, but how am I supposed to know until I've already gotten it? And that's the issue. The only way I can find to make this decision is to make it first and just wait and see if I regret it, and that feels horrifically irresponsible. I know I can't ask somebody else to make my decision for me, but does anybody at least have some advice to help me make it myself? Maybe an angle I haven't considered?

I've been on hormones over 5 years now and I just want to finally have some closure and feel like I've completed my journey. All that's left on my list is this and legally changing my name. Since I can't afford hair removal I'm just dealing with shaving. I don't hate my facial hair anyway, just don't want others to judge me for it. I just need to get every box ticked even if some of those boxes are gonna be ticked as "opt out."

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[–] LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 28 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

Choosing to have bottom surgery is such a personal decision. I wanted to have a vagina so bad. Like I hated everything about having or using a dick. I hesitated for a long time because of how hard I knew recovery would be, but i knew how badly i wanted it. The way I have sex has obviously changed a lot, but I find that sex without dysphoria is literally a million times better for me. Like I would feel physically sick after pre-op sex, I never do anymore. I also used to just passively be extemely conscious of it all the time, even at home relaxed like. I didn't realize until it was gone, but I could literally always feel it. The dysphoria was constant.

I accepted when I walked into the OR that no matter what happened, I was happy with my decision. I was choosing to step away from a lifetime of intense bottom dysphoria. Getting surgery has been the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. I love my body. I love that I don't have to tuck, i can wear skirts and dresses and leggings and tight jeans and they all fit perfectly with my anatomy and I feel so comfortable and confident in them. I was never a confident person before, but I very much have become one. I invest time and care and love into myself because I actually like this body and want to take care of it.

This is also personal to me, but as much as I knew it did not invalidate me to have a penis - I never fully felt like myself with one. I didn't feel fully confident in my own womanhood pre-op. That is entirely gone now. I'm proud to be me, to be trans, and to be a woman.

So you really gotta ask yourself what matters most to you. You have to introspect and find this answer from within. You also have other options like orchiectomy while keeping the actual penis. It's your body, and what matters most is what will make you happy. No one else has to be you. No one else has to inhabit your skin. Fulfilling sex post-op is possible, but it's always your decision and what you think matters the most to you. Talk about it with a counselor, with someone who can give you personal advice knowing you.

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 23 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I used to hate having a penis but now I could actually live with it for the rest of my life (still getting bottom surgery when I'm able tho)

Maybe it's just the feeling of "not being trans enough"? Maybe a part of ur brain still sees penises as exclusive to men even if u only feel that on urself

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

That's definitely a factor. I dated somebody for a while who wasn't just okay with the idea of me keeping it, but was even enthusiastic about it, and for that time I was a lot more comfortable with it, but I still wanted surgery, just not as badly as I did before. I think it's not so much the "I need to get the surgery to be a real woman" though, and more "I need to get the surgery to feel complete." Like I feel like I haven't finished everything I wanted for so long to do and just deciding not to now would feel like, why was I concerned about it for so long?
But there is also an aspect of what I have just feeling wrong. I know what I'd want if it was possible, but it literally isn't physically possible. I'd want female anatomy that can grow into male functioning anatomy when needed. That's technically possible in a satisfactory way with some surgeries, but it's not something that's an option for me. I'm on medicaid, so I can only get what's covered, and that isn't. I have to choose one or the other.

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Holy shit that's a thing? :O r u sure it's not possible? I dont even know how expensive my bottom surgery will be yet but I'm guessing a number that would be very much unreachaable for me alone and I guess I'll need to travel very far for it but my family is fine with supporting me financially until I get there :> If u have a good relationship with ur family maybe u could ask them for help? I bet they'd want to help if u tell them how u feel

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 4 points 8 months ago (1 children)

My only supportive family is on my mom's side, and all of us live in complete poverty. My dad's side has money, but is incredibly religious to the point where they view any surgery on genitals at all as an affront to god. So in other words, it's just straight up not possible unfortunately.
I gotta pick one or the other, and at the moment I'm leaning toward keeping what I have because I can undo that decision, but my medicaid will not cover undoing the surgery if I choose to get it.

[–] TheCoolerMia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 8 months ago

hmm yeah I guess keeping it is a good idea then! I think that's what I'd do

Also maybe hopefully one day that medicaid will also cover that surgery or u'll find a way to get the money for it! :>

[–] anothercatgirl@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 8 months ago (1 children)

sounds like you have two conflicting needs and you'll probably have to compromise somewhere in between if you want to try to satisfy both needs. Maybe tucking will be the compromise? If yes, there's some panties available to help.

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I have actually tried that, and unfortunately it wasn't the solution for me. Even if I couldn't see it I knew it was there, so it didn't help. I think the only thing that could relieve that is to get the actual surgery, which would require regretting something else. The thing is I know the vast majority of the time, I'd be super, super happy with my decision if I got the surgery, but in any sexual situation I'd find myself feeling like I was missing an important part of the experience, and for me that is a very powerful feeling capable of overriding all the other happiness I gain.

[–] HopeOfTheGunblade@kbin.social 4 points 8 months ago

Yeah, life isn't required to offer us remotely fair choices. For me it was a pretty easy one, to get surgery, it just took me more than 20 years from making the decision to being able to act on it.

When you have that kind of situation, where you know you're going to have regrets whichever way you go, the best you can do is steer towards the regret you'll hate the least, and practice gratitude and mindfulness around the parts of your choice that are good. I ended up with some numbness, I think downstream of some self harm I did in my teens, and I'm not happy about that, I don't love dilating but it's far from the worst, I get pains sometimes, and I could focus on those things and be miserable, but I consciously focus on not feeling the damned thing anymore, on clothes fitting properly, on the pleasant sensations I do get and the way sex, for me, is better now. That kind of intentful mindfulness is a skill, that you can practice, and doing so is my top recommendation to you.

[–] Tywele@lemmy.dbzer0.com 9 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (3 children)

Maybe having both is a solution for you? https://www.reddit.com/r/salmacian/

[–] Sombyr@lemmy.zip 6 points 8 months ago

That is kinda what I'd want if I could get it, but unfortunately, it's not covered by medicaid. Gotta choose one or the other. If I could I'd just want to have female anatomy that has the capability of functioning similarly to male anatomy. That'd be perfect.

[–] invertedspear@lemm.ee 6 points 8 months ago

This is like the opposite of what OP is saying.

[–] Omega_Haxors@lemmy.ml 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I love the federation for bringing to attention cool shit like this. You would never see this kind of thing on reddit or twitter.

[–] ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 8 months ago (1 children)

It's a reddit community though...

Or did I just miss deadpan humour like I sometimes do?

[–] Omega_Haxors@lemmy.ml 2 points 8 months ago

I mean you wouldn't just run into it on those places, you'd have to know what to look for.

[–] ThatFembyWho@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

Oh, one more thing. Since you are undecided, I would have sex before deciding if you want to keep it or not. Also don't rush into that. But basically during sex, subconscious thoughts emerge and that may give you a different perspective, more clarity on what you truly want. It's too easy to "imagine" how we'll feel in a situation, especially one we've been programmed to think about, but quite different to experience it in reality.

[–] Caitlyynn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 8 months ago

Hey I'm a bit late but, I can share my personal experience, maybe it helps. For context, I had a girlfriend, before cracking my egg and for me, using the dick was really not a great experience, it just felt wrong and overshadowed everything. I very much enjoyed everything that didn't involve it and disliked or even hated everything that just involved it.

I for sure can tell now, that if I was in your shoes, I'd definitely not miss out on anything, but thats just my personal experience with that topic, maybe it helps you

[–] ThatFembyWho@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 8 months ago

I would just go for an orchie. Then you don't have to worry about suppressing testosterone ever again. That is a guaranteed easy fix for one problem, and if you think about it, it's also the common aspect of any further surgery you'd want.

In fact that is exactly what I'm doing in a few months.

Who knows, maybe in the future you will be able to afford the surgery you desire. And you'll have time to think about it. This is definitely NOT something to rush into with doubts.

Question, does your state require you to have sex reassignment before a name/gender marker change? If not, you are facing a self-imposed limitation, so it's your choice.

Mine does require it, unfortunately and that makes it a torturous decision for me. I'm hoping that an orchie will be enough. If not, one of the hardest decisions of my life is looming.

[–] LainTrain@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

This is why I never did penetrative sex in the top/masc role before srs cuz it just complicates shit, if I don't know then I don't know.