I fix things and I can make you cum (I refuse to make you cum).
this post was submitted on 16 Jan 2025
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chapotraphouse
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I didn’t realise this was a rant I was going to answer seriously :agony:
Lost my Skills Wallet in the SwinZone circa 2019.
I contribute nothing to society, but I have a Personal Brand^TM^. I'd like my starting salary of 3 million dollars, please.
I can swallow more AAA batteries before passing out than anyone else in the emergency room!
I’m really cute 
they have insidious and annoying ways of making us feel useless and valueless dont they
You see, attending college is like getting lobotomized. You arrive into the workforce with a -47 skill level and we are AKHTUALLY the ones who need to be compensated for having to train your dumbass to a baseline.
Wait, you didn't go to college and have +5 years work experience? You piece of shit, you trashy peon, you fucking worm, you shouldn't even be allowed on the streets.
If you can beat the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time without a guide you have everything you need to be middle management. You know how to do resource management and solve puzzles. You can think on the fly. And importantly, you have an understanding of keeping track of what the problem is and who to go to in order to discuss it. If you can do this, are capable of communicating information to others, and give something resembling a shit about the information given to you then you will be a fair middle manager. Your idiosyncrasies will just be part of how it goes for others. If this is insufficient it says something about the environment others are making for you.
Just remember this when you wonder whether you're worthy to apply for anything
Unironically my skill in shitty environments and employments is that I'm a discipline black hole who will lower the entire standard of broom-up-ass behavior expected of people. I will crack jokes, tell stories, and offer everyone hits from my vape
I take it I'm not the only one stuck doing performance reviews right now.
i can curl up into a ball and hide in the trash
I'm good at creating vibes. I play guitar, and my band does a combo of doom/drone/noise that I call 'Cthulhu Doomnoise' and I always refer to our shit as 'moods' rather than songs.
nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills...
lol dammit, I was gonna do this but I was gonna spell it "numchuck" and chortle to myself abt it.
I don't complain when I work. Doesn't sound like much but after you work enough you realize stuff like that is actually the important stuff
Good, you'll dovetail nicely with me onsite i complain enough for at least 2 people
This is what we in the biz call synergy
glances at character sheet
uhh can i roll a persuasion check?
Checks you say? Do you know CRMs?
rolls d20 ... 10
"I confidently know several Customer Relationship Managers, and specific experience in Salesforce workflows that enabled my team to accelerate customers to convert."
Customer Relationship Managers
specific experience
Salesforce workflows
enabled
my team
accelerate customers to convert.
c-c-combo Breaker
pants jaw drops to the floor
heart beats visibly from chest
That’s at least 8 different skills, holy wow!!! Let’s go have lunch!
Stealth check failed
You awkwardly watch as I dip under the desk and crawl out of the office
I can make some sick farting sounds with my mouth.
Saving Throws Con +10, Int +12, Wis +9
Skills Arcana +19, History +12, Insight +9, Perception +9
I'm forklift certified!
I also have above average upper body strength and can type fast.
Me still saying I can type 90+ WPM like I'm special 
My boss typing at 150 WPM and consistently beating me at typeracer 
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
I think i can only do 60wpm on a good day so i think you're pretty special
I can top 80 sometimes, but I never have to look at the keyboard, no legends on the keys either... I'm kinda a big deal in some circles.
I can only read this in Yugopnik's voice.
The objectively correct default.