just some navel gazing, annoying & stupid
I guess it's because I'm baby, but I'm feeling very humbled this morn that my internal concept of Gender is still changing, that I'm still thinking about it and developing how I feel about it meaningfully, and it's been like ten fuckin years. Woah
It's at once kinda wild to think I used to be a self-hating, shitty little imageboard browsing trans girl so long ago, but also the "me" now wouldn't make much sense without that part of my life. Even though it's probably not that dramatic, I feel like I am unrecognisable compared to that.
Tons of people told me when I was a kid that I'd always be changing, and I never disbelieved it, but actually taking in how different I've become really underlines that. I am many phases removed from where I was. Insert tired butterfly comparison here, lmao.
I find it very weird now to think that I used to avoid trying to even process stuff around Gender, which I did because even just thinking about it made me anxious and sad. Brainworms... nowadays I relish the opportunity when anyone lets me yap at length about whatever trans related thought I am having this day or week. It gives me life, I become nourished as a result, it rules. I feel better every time I come to a greater understanding! Being trans fuckin rules!
I wonder if most people have to think this long and this deeply about Gender. I wonder if it's partly an autism thing, interroception and whatnot. Also nobody should let me yap early in the morning lest I say silly things!