The Onion

4452 readers

1326 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 2 years ago

MODERATORS

seahorse@midwest.social

pbrisgreat@midwest.social

434

Alabama Supreme Court Set to Decide Constitutionality of Pulling Out (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 8 months ago by Nero@sopuli.xyz to c/theonion@midwest.social

24 comments fedilink hide all child comments

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] joyjoy@lemm.ee 67 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Let's check what the Bible has to say about this.

Genesis 38:9-10

But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother.

What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so the LORD put him to death also.

[–] Assman@sh.itjust.works 51 points 8 months ago (2 children)

taking notes

Do not.. cum.. on the ground..

[–] 100_kg_90_de_belin@feddit.it 17 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Is cumming on the bedside table alright with the Lord?

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 12 points 8 months ago

Just as long as you don't use the Lord's denture cup

[–] Assman@sh.itjust.works 11 points 8 months ago

Idk but definitely not under your desk. He hates that

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 10 points 8 months ago

No. Only the face. Or the neck, for the holy pearly necklace.

[–] Bakachu@lemmy.world 10 points 8 months ago

So its like the lava game then. But for your dick.

[–] TurtleTourParty@midwest.social 42 points 8 months ago (2 children)

His dad was asking him to impregnate his brother's widow but he's like nah I'll just screw her for fun. So he dies...

Then later she disguises herself as a prostitute, and gets pregnant by his dad. Apparently this is okay...

[–] veroxii@aussie.zone 21 points 8 months ago

Sweet home Judeabama.

[–] xilliah@beehaw.org 11 points 8 months ago (3 children)

I have so many questions about that disguise

[–] TurtleTourParty@midwest.social 6 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

She just covered her face... I mean I guess he hadn't seen her for years but still, it seems like he should have recognized her voice at least.

Although in Genesis 27 Isaac tricks his father into thinking he is his brother by putting goat skins on his hands and neck.

I guess old men were easily tricked back then.

[–] RamblingPanda@lemmynsfw.com 2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Basically it was just a beard.

[–] jaybone@lemmy.world 19 points 8 months ago (1 children)

But was it the pulling out part or the sleeping with his brothers wife part?

[–] Municipal0379@lemmy.world 9 points 8 months ago

Spilling his seed on the floor. Can’t get them floors dirty!