Transfem

Summary:

I started on HRT one week ago after lurking in this community for the last year. I am in my late 30s, married, my wife and I have no children.

I wouldn't have made it to this point without all of you, thank you. Hopefully my story can help someone else, even if just a little. I plan to provide updates weekly on how things are going with this.

Background:

I guess I have always known something didn't feel right inside, but I always found something else to blame. I've always felt disconnected from the world around me in some way, like my experience of it wasn't everything it should be. My childhood was very hectic and stressful, I was diagnosed ADHD and medicated at a very young age, my parents divorced and both passed away quite young. There was always something going on that gave me a reason to expect to struggle. I told myself crossdressing was just something I did to relieve some stress, to distance myself from everything else.

For a while, I turned to psychadellics to try to find that connection. I used a lot of LSD and felt what I was looking for. But it was only temporary, and I always knew that. It helped me understand myself more honestly though, and I worked through my earlier issues and found peace with them. I began to realize that my desire to be more feminine wasn't related to any of that though, that while it had helped me to feel better about things when I was struggling, it also just helped me feel better overall. I became more accepting of that side of myself and allowed myself to more deeply explore it. This helped for a while, but I found over time it started feeling hollow. It was becoming obvious to me how much of a part of me it was, but I wasn't sharing that with anyone.

My wife knew it was something I occasionally explored a little. I was always concerned she would find something feminine, and then not believe me if I told her it was mine not another womans. Beyond that, I hadn't mentioned anything about it at all to anyone since I was very young. I was starting to consider talking to her more about it, and then a year ago I got a toothache that changed my life. The pain from it became overwhelming, and somehow that made everything else feel completely insigificant. Before I realized it, I had told her everything. How often I was doing this, and to what extent. That I wasn't sure if I was actually the person I've been telling everyone I was my whole life.

She was stunned, not angry, not happy, but confused. She stayed though, and decided she wants to face this with me. It hasn't been easy and there are still major things to work through, but she is still here supporting me. We started researching things more and I learned what dysphoria is, and how much I deal with and am affected by it. We slowly started sharing this with people important to me, and the ammount of support and acceptance I recieved was incredible. It was also really hard for me to accept. My whole life everyone else was the reason I felt I needed to present as male, now suddenly the obstacle was me. I was forced to realize that the only person who can decide who I am was me, and that I had put it on everyone else to tell me who that was my whole life instead of finding out for myself.

As I talked to people though, I started to realize that no one else had questions about their gender like I did. I expected people to say they had thought about their gender and decided it was right or something, but instead it wasn't even something they had considered. I thought about it constantly though, and always had. As I learned more I also learned more about how much relief some people feel from transitioning. Slowly, that started feeling more like a real possibility. I never felt sure though, there are so many unknowns, a LOT to learn, and I was pretty good at being who everyone else expected me to be already. Eventually, I realized that the only way to find out was to try.

I started looking into HRT, and found that it was way more possible that I had previously expected. I was relieved as I learned that while changes can be drastic over time they are also slow, and if I found early on it didn't feel right there would be little to any permanant effect. I am US based, and learned that Planned Parenthood offers hormone therapy as an "informed consent" option, meaning I didn't need to prove the treatment was needed, only that I understand the risks involved and consent to them. I made an appointment.

I was incredibly nervous about it, but I went. It couldn't have gone better. The staff was very welcoming and supportive, and I felt more accepted and validated than I even had before. We went over my goals with this, and decided to start with 4mg Estradiol and 100mg Spironolactone daily. We talked about methods of administration, and decided on pill form. I had heard injections have been better for some, in their opinion they were seeing little difference in efficacy between the two. I do not know what is accurate there. Blood was drawn for lab work, and a prescription was sent to my local pharmacy. I picked it up, and started taking it that evening.

Dosage:

4mg Estradiol

100mg Spironolactone

Physical effects:

One week in, I am seeing few significant physical changes. Sweating has become more of a full body experience, it used to be more concentrated to areas like my armpits. My nipples feel slightly more sensitive, not bothersome, but I am more aware they exist than usual. Overall though I feel significantly better physically. I was pretty unaware of just how much stress I had been carrying surrounding this, and I feel like I can finally breathe again.

Mental effects:

The mental effects have been more profound. I have experienced an extreme reduction in stress and anxiety. I'm not afraid of everything anymore. I don't know how much of that is placebo, how much is from taking a real step forward in this, and how much is directly from the hormones, but it has been wonderful. My sleep has improved significantly as well. I'm able to go to bed and go to sleep, instead of laying there for hours worried about everything. I am dreaming, I never really did before. I am waking up earlier while feeling more rested than before.

I have noticed a shift in how I experience emotion, like I "feel" it more now throughout my body. I'm finding emotions are triggering memories of great feelings I haven't felt in so long, from when I was very young and wasn't worried about any of this. It's hard to explain, and the words might not even exist to describe it, but I know it feels a lot more right than it used to for me. I was surprised to find that the stimulant I had been taking for my ADHD my entire life immediately felt like it was WAY too much. Before I felt like without it I could barely function, suddenly it felt very intense and overwhelming, I stoped taking it day 3 and have felt more energized and motivated than I ever did on it. I do not recommend adjusting any medications without talking to a medical professional. Social interactions and connections have felt satisfying and fulfilling in a way they never have before. They always seemed to leave me feeling empty before, like there was something more I wanted from them but could never find.

I never believed any of this was possible. Find support, reach out, you are less alone than you think.

Melissa