Therapy can help. I also had suicidal thought and after a year and change of weekly sessions life is a lot more enjoyable. Won't pretend to know the mental health system in your area, but it's something worth pursing. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else.

[–] Tristaniopsis@aussie.zone 0 points 9 months ago (2 children)

Thanks. It’s a nice thought but I honestly don’t deserve happiness. I thought I was ok for a day or so, but actually not.

[–] inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

You literally do. A relationship something from 3 decades ago is not a life sentance to pain. Flogging yourself about whatever happened helps no one, especially not her.

I care for you. I know how hard it is to get started. But I feel you wouldn't have left a comment like that unless you needed someone to tell you it's okay to be better. It's okay to work on it. You deserve better then to lock yourself in a prison of misery.

[–] Tristaniopsis@aussie.zone 0 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I’d agree but it was my fault. I broke up with her in an impulsive ADHD spaz. And then I didn’t try hard enough to get her back. I felt maybe if I respected her boundaries she’d allow me back in her life but it never happened. I should’ve tried harder to communicate.

So nope! It’s all self-hatred from here on down. Plus the turtles.

[–] inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Oh sweetie, we all do silly things in our youth we regret. Thats part of life and growing older. This is absoutly nothing to ruminate over. I really think you can improve your day to day by working on your mental health. Self-hatred is easy, but its miserable and serves no one.

You and your turtles deserve better!

[–] Tristaniopsis@aussie.zone -1 points 9 months ago

Very kind of you but the fact remains for me that the shadow of this relationship follows me everywhere and I can’t let it go or forgive myself for destroying it. No counselling will help. It is what it is.

I understand that our lives are brief and pointless. The only magic is what we create in our own heads, sometimes dangerously. I don’t claim to be special or demand the universe unwind back 30 years to fix it. She’s moved on. I haven’t. It’s pathetic on my part, but there it is. TBH I’d rather we had kept going and destroyed each other, or she cheated on me or pretty much anything else except what actually happened.

Bah.

[–] SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 3 points 9 months ago

Unless you're stomping on kittens, you deserve happiness.