this post was submitted on 03 Feb 2024
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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.
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This is what those who have never experienced genuine depression will never understand. Everything can be going perfectly in your life, but you still can't find the energy to bring color back into your world no matter what you do. The overwhelming numbness just eats away at you, and you withdraw even further. Some of us may even turn to substances to just feel SOMETHING, regardless of how fleeting the escape may be, and how much worse we know we'll feel afterwards. You are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the future is bleak, and you will die alone in a world that doesn't give a fuck, so what's the point?
So you finally find the courage to confide in somebody, and they tell you that you just need to "get past it, think positive!" and that they also "get depressed too"... and the worst part is, you are unable to describe to them in any way how it truly feels, because they've genuinely never felt it themselves, so now you worry that you're just coming across as dramatic, furthering the desire to withdraw and keep your thoughts to yourself.
I'm currently going through a depressed period, if it isn't obvious. I'll be okay in another week, but it's fucking horrible, and I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
What I hated most about my depression is it would take anything that happened and make it terrible. I got a promotion? Great, more work to do. My wife cooked my favorite meal? Great, now there's a ton of dishes to do. I'm gonna take a break and play a game? I'll probably lose, why bother playing.
And this fatalism morphed into anxiety that made it so I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I'd lay there paralyzed with fear about failing at everything that day, to the point where I'd set my alarm to go off early just so I could have time to have a panic attack.
One thing that helped me a lot was to give that little voice a name, and then tell it to fuck off every time it spoke up.
another good trick is to give the voice a stupid cartoonish voice: make it say things like goofy… it disarms it if it sounds ridiculous
(also works for intrusive thoughts about yourself: they’re late because they don’t want to spend time with me, they say they like my thing but they sounded sarcastic, etc)
Ooo, that's a good one! Like "yoUr cowoRKeRs DOn't ACTUALLy LIke YOU" or "yoU'Re GONNA gO BrOKE anD LIVe On tHe STrEET."
Gawrsh, my buddy Donald has better luck working than you do! Guess you’re gonna keep being nothing! A-hyuck!
…actually yeah. This is helping. I’ll keep this in my back pocket.
So question: does it feel like another voice to you? For me I just feel like I'm talking to myself, or no voice at all, just first-person thoughts.
Is part of the work kinda externalizing that part of you, and giving it a voice?
it’s not a different voice to start with: i hear it as… my inner monologue i guess?… sometimes not even a voice exactly; it’s just a feeling… but if you repeat it, or put the feeling into a voice and say it in a ridiculous way then that, for me, overrides the original feeling
maybe it’s acknowledging it exists, thinking about it, and then turning it ridiculous makes you consciously put it into a “fuck you that feeling is false” category… i’m not really sure beyond here :p
Thank you, that is a helpful exercise. I'm going to try that
Humans have a lot of different cognitive processes that interact in ways that are still being studied. If you're in a country with good medical infrastucture, ask your doctor about cognitive behavioral therapy. If not, try meditation: sit in a quiet area and focus on counting your breaths from 1 to 10 repeatedly. If a thought pops up just wordlessly acknowledge it and let it go. The part of you that's left is (usually!) at peace.
Also if cbt doesn’t work for you try ndsr, it helped my wife where cbt didn’t. It’s more of an acceptance based focus with inspired by Buddhist philosophy.
That said, cbt helps me a lot with my plethora of anxieties. By learning to calmly analyze my fears as they wash over me I’ve become able to deal with the problems and minimize the non problems, which is especially helpful because as someone with adhd I often latch on to real problems because I’m bad at juggling life.
Hey at least the voice still talks to you. I'm so far gone even my depression abandoned me.