this post was submitted on 04 Nov 2023
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Do you really love this person? I mean really, like truly. Cuz you have to realize that this will most probably be like the rest of your life.
I did a similar mistake, married the wrong person out of pitty for her (I wanted to help her). Do understand, people don't change, at least not at the age of 25 and above (I assume you're both not in your teens). Damaged goods is not something I'd be willing to accept again as my life partner. Now I'm stuck with her for the next 15 years or so, till the kid grows up.
Think about having children with this person long and hard and whether you could endure that with a person like that. Marriages come and go, you 2 could get divorced, no harm no faul, but children are for life.
Strong disagree on people not changing, my partners brother was a heavy alcoholic at 30 and he's now 5 years sober and has children and hasn't touched a drop. He relapsed in his first week and nearly died.
People can change, they just have to want to. Of course this isn't applicable to all but generalising your situation to everyone isn't helpful to people in these positions.
On the flip side so show that I understand people not changing, her uncle has currently lost his family and maybe soon his job. Every time the kids are due to be with him he's completely shitfaced and the adult dropping them off refuses to give them to him in that condition and that still isn't enough for him to want to change. I bet he has seen his own children for over a year. He is constantly lying and we think he owes money to people because he's usually in a bit of a roughed up state. It's sad but until he wants it there's nothing anyone can do.
Her brother is still a testament to the way people can better themselves though.
Thank you for this, I know she can get through this and come out okay on the other side. I hope she doesn't have to almost die for that to happen though
I'm not willing to take that chance again. Got burned once, not willing to try it again.
And I was speaking from my own experience, as everyone else does (yourself included).
That's fair, I'm sorry that you've been through what you have, but you made a heavy generalisation that people don't change, my experience is that they can and do.
In general, they don't... especially not at that age (25+). The ones you mentioned are rare cases, maybe like 5% of the population (dropig numbers, haven't seen any research papers on the subject)... at least from what I've seen so far in life.
You're probably young and optimistic, I get that, I was as well. But, when you see how things around you develop (in what direction), you start to realize that people have certain character traits that makes them who they are, regardless if they are good or bad. It's just who they are 🤷. Sure, they do change, but then they relapse and then there is that vicious circle of up and down, which I hate to be honest.
I'm not that young and optimistic tbh, it sounds like you've just been dealt a tough hand in life and hope you can get through it one day. Truly.
Neither of us want children and yes I really true love her. I'm not planning on leaving her I just want to help her through this. I know she can do this and I believe in her and I'm not going to give up on her until she gives up on herself. I'd take a bullet for her no second thought.
I understand your feelings of empathy and loyalty. I respect that as one of the most beautiful things that can be between two people but be aware that loyalty can also be a trap and that is when it keeps you in a toxic relationship that is slowly destroying you. I´m not saying it has to turn out like that but don´t be naive as I was, be smart. Be there for her, make her feel loved and try everything to help her but at the same time you have to be absolutely aware of a few things.
Alcoholism creates behaviours that are extremely hard to break. There is a possibility that she might never stop drinking at all and that it even gets worse over time, no matter what you do to help her or how much love and care you give her. It is beyond of what you can control, only she could and she might not be able to.
Never forget to keep one eye on yourself and to take care of yourself. Empathic people in difficult relationships often focus so much on managing the relationship and being there for their partner, that they start to neglect the duty of taking care of their own well being. This can take a heavy toll and go on until total mental burnout occurs and can lead to serious psychological trauma, depression, frustration, aggression, emotional instability and so on, leaving you as an injured party at the end.
If time shows that she can´t change, no matter what, get out and safe yourself, don´t hesitate.
I wish you two all the best and that everything will work out. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you, I did need to hear that. When I called up my brother he said a lot of the same stuff. I know there's a possibility she's going to choose alcohol over our relationship and I'm ready to recognize when that happens. But I don't think it's there yet. If she doesn't go to this counseling meeting she scheduled then I'll have to rethink things, unfortunately. I know from experience how bad it can be and how little you care about other people when you're in that hole but sometimes you just need someone to throw you a rope down to help you climb up and I'm hoping that's the case here. And that she chooses to take it and make the effort to climb up herself.
Realizing all these things beforehand will help you a lot in managing whatever you will be going trough. Giving her and the relationship a chance, while being ready to safe yourself if necessary, is the best you can do imo. You should communicate these things with her openly, it might be a motivation for her too.
Again, all the best for the two of you!
IDK what to tell you... mood swings will most probably be a part of your life. She drank for a reason, it made her feel good. When she doesn't have that fix, she's most probably like you experience her now. She might get better with time (less abusive), than again, chances are (from my experience) that she won't.
Well I had issues with drinking myself when I was younger and I got through it decently fine. I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience yourself but I'm really hoping it doesn't turn out that way here. Though I do know the possibility exists. When she's sober she still says she wants help. As long as she doesn't give up entirely on herself I'm not giving up on her either.
Hope is our biggest asset... as humans... and our biggest downfall... I had hope as well.
Sorry for saying this, but from my current perspective (experience), nah, I wouldn't take that chance. If I was in your place (not having to live through what I have, and still doing it BTW), yes, I most probably would take that chance as well.
A friend of mine once told me, entering a marrige with hope doesn't end well. From what I've seen around me (other examples and my own mother and father), yes, in most cases, it doesn't end well.
Basically, you're getting "damaged goods" in the start. If you feel like you're also damaged goods and need a lot of work (from one perspective or another), that's fine I guess, but I never felt like that. Sure, everyone has his/her quirks, no doubt there, but this is big. When pushing comes to shoving (as does from time to time in life), she'll probably just go into recession and start drinking again... and this will happen from time to time, not too often, bit then she'd go to rehab, you won't be with your partner for an undisclosed ammount of time... I mean, really? Is that what you'd want your life to be like? Talking from experience here, my family's and my own, trust me. Yes, people can change, but these are rare cases. Most of the time, they don't.
My 2 cents...
Sorry, had to edit the post a few times.