The Onion

DESTIN, FL—Reaching up to the tower to palm him the banknote, local woman Danielle Haugh reportedly slipped a lifeguard $20 Friday to let her drown. “I might go under and not want to come back up, okay?” said Haugh, who pressed the bill into the 17-year-old lifeguard’s hand and winked, hoping she was effectively communicating that she wanted to die. “You might see me inhaling a lot of water out there. Maybe you get a cramp, maybe you get an important call. You know what I mean? Plus, there’ll be a lot more where that came from when you check the pockets of my bloated corpse.” At press time, reports confirmed Haugh was attempting to drown herself in a backyard kiddie pool after the lifeguard kicked her off the beach.