this post was submitted on 14 Aug 2023
155 points (99.4% liked)
Asklemmy
43833 readers
823 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy ๐
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- !lemmy411@lemmy.ca: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
I've got a competent and authoritative voice. People frequently assume I'm the most qualified in a group when I'm really objectively not as soon as i start speaking. Whatever I say or decide rarely gets questioned and people just keep letting me do stuff. When something is my word against another's, people believe me.When I say something is needed, it's done. When I make a proposal, that's usually what's agreed on and done without me really trying to push it.
This is familiar.
In particular, my accent gives me a distinct advantage, as I speak with what some might describe as a "BBC" English accent. I work using English outside of the UK in a multinational company, and it's served me very well.
In international contexts people just seem to trust that I know what I'm talking about, because they think that I sound like I should be narrating a nature documentary.
I'm not super sure what it is for me. I'm able to code switch pretty easily, and I don't speak obvious dialect unless I explicitly mean to (I'm not a native english speaker, but it applies to english as well). It's generally a great thing to have. I know a few people who struggle with being listened to, and honestly, it looks like it sucks.
The only downside I've ever seen is that you have to be super honest to yourself about what you can and can not handle, or it can spin out of control quickly. Sometimes others assume you're capable of anything they ask you to, and you don't correct them because you think you might get away with it. But when you can't pull it off, they will be disappointed and not very understanding. So it kinda becomes your job to point out your shortcomings to others early and frequently, which takes some mental energy, and I struggled with it when i was younger. I was very insecure on the inside, while seeming very confident to others. But I learned that if you do it in a competent voice, it just makes you more trustworthy because being honest about your mistakes and shortcomings when other people already think you're capable is seen as a mature and responsible thing. So it works out in the end.
Completely agree with your suggestion for handling this issue. This is something I've experienced most of my life as well and have only started realizing it at work the past few years. As I started working on more complicated subjects with a lot of room for ambiguity and error, I really have to make sure and qualify what I know for certain and what is more speculation in my work conversations.
Imo it's really the only way to handle it and not go either full psycho narcissist or insane pressure burnout. But learning that humility took me a few tries, ngl. Also, it's not a really googleable problem and even genuinely complaining about it sounds like humblebragging to many people. Because in the end, it is a very good thing and a privilege, but boy I've had some stressful times with it.
(Well, I must say, you mentioned you're not a native English speaker, but you could fool anyone because your English is crazy good - what is your native language?)
I agree, it's a real strength and something you can learn to control and use when you need it. It has definitely led to burnout situations for me in the past. For me, I think that comes from wanting to meet the expectations I feel I've set, but I've struggled to differentiate between expectations that I'm setting for myself vs. what others actually expect. My entire life I've worked harder than needed, most likely. Does this sound familiar to you? It's definitely led to some success for me that I don't feel is really deserved, but I'm learning to be a little more grateful for it these days :)
Thank you. That's what years of reddit and hating dubbed media will do for you :) my native language is German, and we do start learning English here pretty early in life. When I was young, we started at 8, but today it's sometimes even earlier. But sadly since I'm out of school my speaking skills are a little rusty, since I don't practice them enough.
Yes, I definitely felt that because of the expectations they had, i had to go the extra mile every time or I'd be worse than someone fulfilling already low expectations. But inevitably, you cannot go the extra mile all the time, so you ket some things slide, and they snowball and then you need to work extra extra hard to keep things from spinning out.
But then, many people's success is earned through way shadier means than "working harder than needed".