chapotraphouse

You're welcome or I'm sorry.

What is the rule about looking at women in public? As a red-blooded male, I would like to stare, but of course that’s rude and possibly antisocial. In the past, when I’ve taken a quick glance and got caught, I was given sharp, disapproving looks from the woman and, often, some bystanders. I’ve always been a loner, so I didn’t always get clued in on proper etiquette. When I married, I asked male co-workers what to do about looking at women, considering my new status. One said, ‘‘You’ve got to smell the roses along the way.’’ I took that to heart and continued to ogle women. This eventually led to my divorce. When women wear tight pants, it seems unfair: They are very sexy, but men are not allowed to look. What do women prefer in this situation? I want to do the right thing. — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist: It’s clear that you’ve sometimes looked at women in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. Glancing at someone in a public place is always permissible; there’s often a fleeting moment of mutual acknowledgment — perhaps a slight nod or smile — before both parties look away. This momentary connection is part of how we experience our shared social world. No doubt if you find the person attractive, your glance may well linger involuntarily for a moment. But prolonging that moment further can cross a line. We can’t control our initial notice of others; we can control our subsequent choices. I suspect your ‘‘quick’’ glance wasn’t so quick. In public settings, it’s generally intrusive to display sexual interest. That it may sometimes be welcomed doesn’t change the situation. Yes, a brief friendly glance that produces a smile and a direct reciprocating look can mean you’re being invited to maintain eye contact. But if there’s any doubt, the unease caused by leering is bad enough that you should err on the side of averting your gaze. In your case, there normally should be doubt. Being aware of whatever shortcomings we may have in the skills of everyday life can guide us toward better practices. Just as people who know they have a poor sense of direction learn to check maps more often, someone who struggles to read social signals around looking would do well by being reserved and not risk making others uncomfortable. It’s a matter of taking the trouble to do what, for you, doesn’t come naturally, and adopting habits that respect everyone’s dignity. When it comes to men looking at women, in particular, there’s a broader social context in which women often experience unwanted attention or feel unsafe. The sexual etiquette I’ve described allows men and women to enjoy public spaces as equals. That’s why we wrong strangers when we fail to respect these rules. Such everyday courtesies are part of what it means to share a world.