The Onion

When you’re famous, it’s all too easy to find yourself surrounded by people more interested in your wealth and social status than your best interests. Just take this rapper for example, whose closest “friends” are letting him down in a truly devastating way: No one in Drake’s crew is brave enough to tell him that cussing and premarital sex are sins.

Ugh…it seems like no one in Drake’s crew cares if he spends the afterlife in God’s eternal paradise or not.

Take one listen to any Drake album, and it’s abundantly clear that no one in his life is willing to have an honest conversation with him about his godless behavior, which includes having frequent sex outside of marriage, writing lyrics full of curse words, and stealing other rappers’ flows. Sadly, the downside of Drake’s fame is that people rarely tell him “no”, even when he needs to hear it for the sake of God’s righteous judgment. For fear of losing access to his influence and power, 40, Baka, Niko, Chubbs, and all of Drake’s other OVO crew members allow—no, encourage—him to partake in heavy drinking and bring strippers back to his hotel rooms, fully knowing that these acts will be charged as sins in Jesus’s ledger.

If even one of Drake’s pals had the courage to take him aside and explain that his insatiable lust for thick women and obsessive penchant for cussing in his raps are displeasing to God, they could save his soul from eternal damnation. Unfortunately, none of Drake’s friends are willing to risk their place in his inner circle to prevent him from giving in to immoral temptations, even if it means Drake is ultimately turned away from the most exclusive club of all: Heaven. And that’s just heartbreaking.

Real friends don’t enable friends to pursue worldly comforts and excess over spiritual satisfaction…and needless to say, Drake is sorely lacking in real friends right now.

On the bright side, it’s never too late for Drake to seek God’s forgiveness and live a moral life according to the scriptures. All we can do is hope that the next time Drake is in the studio recording a song that features the “F” word, someone who actually cares about his soul, and not his money, will be brave enough to intervene. We are praying for you either way, Drake!

link: https://clickhole.com/surrounded-by-yes-men-no-one-in-drakes-crew-is-brave-enough-to-tell-him-that-cussing-and-premarital-sex-are-sins/

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following comprehensive, long-term research into the dangers of excess abdominal girth, a Harvard University study published Wednesday found that belly fat was associated with an increased risk of being blown raspberries. “We tracked more than 500 adults over the course of a decade and observed a significant link between an expansive waistline and the tendency of another person to press their lips to one’s stomach and make a wet, vibrating sound,” said physician and study co-author Marcus Kessler, noting that the greater the amount of visceral fat around the midsection, the sloppier-sounding, louder, and more frequent the raspberries became. “In addition, the risk of someone blowing on the skin to create a noise imitative of flatulence grows more acute the more one’s belly peeks out from underneath a shirt. Bigger bellies can have other grave consequences as well, including an increased risk of someone poking the stomach with an index finger and emitting a gleeful ‘tee-hee’ in a loud falsetto.” Kessler went on to advise against scrunching up the belly fat and pretending it was a talking face, as this only made raspberries more likely.

link: https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-belly-fat-linked-to-increased-risk-of-being-1851045100

My personal favorite:

LOS ANGELES—In response to the departure of longtime cast member Bobby Berk, producers for the television show Queer Eye told reporters Thursday they were struggling to find a replacement who was both white and gay. “It’s such a specific requirement—being not only white, but also gay—that we quite frankly don’t know how we’ll ever find the next member of the Fab Five,” said series creator and producer David Collins, adding that while his team had interviewed many potential candidates who were either white or gay, finding someone who was both had proven nearly impossible. “We already have one brown guy and one Black guy in the cast, so adding another gay person of color is out of the question. And though we’ve had some white gay women apply, none of them have been a good fit. Honestly, at this point, we’d probably accept any white man who has even kissed a guy before.” At press time, the producers announced they had set up the hotline 1-800-WHITE-GAY to receive any casting leads.

link: https://www.theonion.com/queer-eye-producers-struggling-to-find-cast-replaceme-1851028538

“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location

LOS ANGELES — In an unprecedented potential crossover between the United State’s vast military might and viral TikTok dances, we have approached the CIA Predator drone circling our home to help film our “Bin Laden Dance” TikTok video, sources with their finger on the trigger and ready to do what ultimately needs to be done confirmed.

“It was just circling around and around, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s a good angle so why not?'” said Hard Drive’s 17-year-old Jenna Marquez. “So we flashed our phone screens at it and mimed a camera. Next thing we know, it’s adjusting its angle for a better shot!”

We are proud to report that the drone seemed eager to participate once it understood the assignment, facing directly toward us as we danced.

“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location with the tension in his voice steadily rising. “Weapons ready! Permission to engage, SIR!?”

Hard Drive’s Kevin Francis, 18, said the idea for the dance had come about after we had seen other Tiktoker’s referencing Osama bin Laden’s now-viral ‘Letter to America.”

“I personally still believe they just hate us for our freedom,” said Francis. “But man these girls are hot and if they want to collab that will do big numbers for me.”

At press time, Hard Drive’s staff was seen enthusiastically cheering on what we believed to be a red “recording on” light on the weapons system of the drone.

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/politics/tiktokers-ask-cia-predator-drone-hovering-above-house-to-help-film-viral-bin-laden-dance/

WOODSIDE, Calif. — A confused and disoriented President Joe Biden made a stirring declaration to Chinese Premier Xi Jinping insisting he tear down the Great Wall of China, multiple onlookers confirmed.

“If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity, and if you seek to to unite to unite against the Soviet Union once and for all then you must go to the countryside. President Xi, tear down that wall,” said Biden to a small smattering of applause and stifled laughter. “And let me tell you what else Jack. I think all the meals at Chinese food restaurants should be numbered so I just have to say the number. Some of those dishes are hard to pronounce. I sit there stumbling over the words and I feel like a real turkey. Just let me order by number, or at least point at a big photo of the food.”

A spokesperson for President Xi responded to the unusual request.

“With all due respect to President Biden, Russia is a key player in global affairs in a much different way than it was thirty years ago. In our ongoing commitment to global peace and prosperity we believe that it is important not to alienate large countries, like Russia, from the global system,” said the spokesperson. “In addition, the Great Wall is an integral part of Chinese history and an artifact that brings tourists from around the world, including many Americans. We aren’t really sure why anyone would want it torn down, it’s just kind of sitting there doing it’s own thing. You should come visit sometime. It’s very nice.”

Historian of presidential foreign affairs, John Deacon, likened this to the infamous January 1992 incident where President George H.W. Bush vomited on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa’s lap.

“While it’s not nearly as gross, it definitely undermines the strength that the US wants to convey in the face of a growing power like China,” Deacon said. “And the Chinese food thing… I mean, look, I get it. I have a tough time ordering sometimes too. You get in your own head, like are you pronouncing this right? Does the waiter even know what I’m talking about? What if I accidentally order the wrong thing? I don’t know Mandarin. But you keep those things to yourself and you eat whatever you ended up ordering and you don’t complain. Or you order something easy like orange chicken with a side of rice. It’s not that difficult.”

At press time, Biden proudly announced he had secured more funding for a barbaric border wall on the Southern border.

link: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/president-xi-tear-down-that-wall-demands-confused-biden-during-meeting-with-chinese-premier/

Facebook mums around the world have been devastated by the news that the next season of television show ‘Young Sheldon’ will be the last.

However, fans across the world are waiting in anticipation for the final episode, after the creators revealed their plan for the finale in which Sheldon commits a mass school shooting.

The creators of the show explained that they wanted to end the series with an emotional story that the average American can relate to.

“We want to end the show with a bang,” said the showrunner, “and we thought what better way to do that than with a traditional American school shooting.”

“It’s a storyline we’ve been setting up from the start, we have always made sure the character gives you that vibe. The same classic Sheldon we all know and love.”

The writers said they are excited to see the episode, including a little easter egg where Sheldon looks to the camera and says ‘Bazinga’ after brutally murdering all his classmates.

Some online were critical of the proposed finale saying that the ‘school shooting episode’ trope has been done to death at this point by American high school shows. However fans were quick to defend it saying that you can’t jump the shark in a show that’s very existence is jumping the shark.

link: https://chaser.com.au/entertainment/touching-young-sheldon-finale-to-end-with-mass-school-shooting/

We knew the situation facing earth’s vulnerable species wasn’t great, but it turns out a beloved seabird is doing even worse than we thought: Conservationists just announced that if there’s anything you want to say to puffins, you should say it now.

Damn. Didn’t realize things were that serious.

According to a statement released by the International Union for Conservation of Nature today, the fight to protect puffins has deteriorated to such a degree that you really can’t afford to put off your unfinished business with the small pelagic auks any longer, because new population data constructed from satellite imagery suggests there probably won’t be a next time. The message notes that while a 2008 study had previously assessed puffins as “not going anywhere anytime soon” and assured people there was no rush to engage puffins on any potentially thorny or uncomfortable topics, this dramatic reduction in the number of wild puffin breeding pairs is pretty much last call for any apologies or confessions or heart-to-hearts you might wish to have with them. And while conservationists admit that this type of broad population modeling can sometimes produce inaccurate results, they have also emphasized that if you wait too long and end up feeling like shit for not opening up to puffins while you had the chance, it’s gonna be on you.

“We don’t want people to have any regrets, so if there’s anything you’ve left unsaid with puffins, any conversations you’ve been meaning to have but never seemed to find the right time for, our statistical models indicate that it’s now or never,” said IUCN spokesperson Fiona Walker, adding that whatever you don’t get off your chest and say to puffins now is gonna stay there for the rest of your life. “We’re not gonna sugarcoat it for you: It won’t be easy to see puffins like this. Climate change, increased predation from non-native species—those things take a nasty toll, and puffins are a mere shadow of the species they were a few years or even a few weeks ago. You’ve got to be prepared for that. You might not think you can face it. But listen: You have a little time now to head to the coastal cliffs where puffins nest and speak your piece, and not everybody gets that opportunity. Whether you use it or not is ultimately your call. Just don’t act like we didn’t warn you.”

This is so sad. We really expected we’d have more time with the little guys.

We honestly thought puffins were looking pretty good the last time we saw them fluttering around the ocean packing fish into their colorful beaks, but we know sharp declines like this aren’t uncommon. One day a species seems like it’s responding well to increased habitat protection measures, then the next day, poof, it’s gone. Hell, we still feel fucked up that we never got to properly reconcile with the Yangtze River Dolphin. But that’s life: You get older, and you watch the species you care about fade away one by one. Maybe the most anyone can ask for is the chance to say goodbye on their own terms.

Well, guess we’ve got to go figure out what we’re going to say to puffins. Kudos to these conservationists for giving people a heads-up to put their feelings toward puffins out there before the end.

link: https://clickhole.com/its-that-bad-huh-conservationists-just-announced-that-if-theres-anything-you-want-to-say-to-puffins-you-should-say-it-now/