The Onion

In newly resurfaced audio, the vice-presidential candidate is heard making disparaging remarks, calling childless children “miserable” and “pathetic”.

“Unfortunately, the coverage you paid for doesn’t extend to any situation where there is water in, on, or around your home,” said Pat Treacy, a claims adjuster at Countrywide Mutual Insurance who informed the Colemans that their policy had actually been voided the moment they first filled their bathtub or ran water from their sinks. “It’s industry standard, I’m afraid. Houses just aren’t meant to get wet. No insurance company anywhere would take on that kind of liability. If it’s possible to prove the house remained dry during the storm, and it just sort of fell down on its own, then maybe a case could be made for approving your claim.” Treacy went on to wish the Coleman family well and said he would keep an eye out for them on GoFundMe.

“Like a lot of modern day truth tellers, I’ve been silenced,” said Monroe in his Netflix special: Canceled Trigger Warning – Offended???, which he was paid twenty million dollars to produce.