sweeney

TLDR: Please give me advice on increasing willpower while having autism/ADHD/depression/PTSD. I would very much appreciate hearing perspectives from people who also have these conditions. What have you found success with? What didn't work for you?

Hey HexBearians. Im looking for some advice on improving my living conditions and working on myself.

I have autism, inattentive type ADHD, and PTSD from long term childhood abuse. Depression too.

I'm seeing a therapist once a month but it's not really enough. He's good at working with trauma and some depression stuff but autism and ADHD aren't his forte.

I am really struggling lately with getting anything done. My performance at work is through the floor. For right now my job is secure but if I can't get it together soon I'll probably get fired. My apartment is a disaster and I'm ashamed to have anyone over because of it. I have abandoned all my hobbies out of lack of willpower. I don't go out much except for work and the store. I met some new people through my friend last month and when I got the question "what do you like to do?" I became paralyzed and didn't know how to respond. I realized that I don't even know what I like to do. Most days I wake up from a nightmare then scroll on my phone up until the exact second that I could feasibly get ready and make it to work in time. I do the bare minimum to make myself not look feral and then head to work. I either uselessly daydream or fall into a bad thoughts spiral all day and get very little done. After work I come home and scroll on my phone for until I'm too tired and have to sleep.

I don't clean. I usually cook a ton of food once a week and just eat that each day. I don't really do anything. I wasn't always this way.

My main issue seems to be a lack of willpower. It's not that I don't want to do anything or improve my life but I somehow just can't find the ability to. Part of my mind is constantly pleading with me to do things but the other part ignores it, or if I do start to do something then it starts pleading with me to stop.

I used to hate myself but my therapist has helped me to see that I don't have to. He showed me that those thoughts weren't organically coming from within me but instead had been planted and fed by my awful parents. Once I learned to identify which thoughts were "mine" and which were "theirs" it became a lot easier to dismiss that kind of negativity and even learn to like myself. All that is to say that I KNOW I have the ability to grow and improve. I have proof of it and I'm grateful that I no longer longingly think about dying constantly or hit myself or belittle myself for not living up to unrealistic expectations. I realized that I would have no desire to hate and be cruel to someone else who was in my type of situation, so why the hell would I do that to myself?

Sorry, went on a bit of a ramble.

I have the want to change, I have the need to change. I have the physical means to change. But I don't have the mental means for it right now. So, people with any of the conditions I mentioned, what have you done that improved that part of your life? What didn't work out for you? What kind of insight could you give?

Thank you all very much :)