Ask Lemmy

Poseidon. First off, he fucked dudes so I've got a chance. Second, I'm from an island and heavily respect the ocean already. Third is I wanna get railed floating in the middle of the ocean.

Dionysus all the way, baby! There's no problem I can't fuck or eat my way out of!

Hephaestus seems the most likely to leave me alone. The gods are so capricious that I'd prefer to not have their attention.

Dionysus, God of sex and alcohol!

Hekate for sure. Goddess of magic, necromancy, the crossroads. Plus you get doggies to hang out with you all the time!

Hermes married Aphrodite after stealing cattle the day he was born. God of thieves and general mischief maker. A lot like Loki, but without all the Daddy issues.

Helios. The personification of the Sun. One of the few Titans the Gods didn't even bother trying to wrest power from, and he's also the guardian of oaths and sight. He was so powerful that driving his chariot wrong could destroy the earth by freezing or burning it simply by driving too closely to or too far away from the ground.

A loving father too. In the most prominent myth that features Helios, his son Phaëthon (the umlaut just means to pronounce the E) made a pilgrimage all the way East to confirm that Helios was actually his father. Phaëthon was extremely brave, but also boastful, to the point that somebody finally said something along the lines of, "Oh, whatever! I bet the sun god isn't even your real father." Cause he was a mortal, even if your mother and sisters are nymphs, hearing that your dad was the fucking sun is still a bit of a stretch enough for Phaëthon to have some doubt.

Helios confirmed Phaëthon's parentage, and to dispel any leftover doubt, made an oath to his son that he would grant him a favor as long as it was within his power. Unfortunately, Eos the dawn had just pulled up with Helios' glorious, gold and silver chariot pulled by 4 flaming horses so dude could make his daily run. At that moment, Phaëthon decided on the favor. his son asked to drive his father's chariot. Helios, being the god of oaths, begged his son to reconsider but ultimately had to keep the oath he swore.

Being a mortal who also had no idea how to drive the chariot of the sun, Phaëthon lost control. At some points, he went so high he was almost stung by the constellation Scorpio, and those places became irreversibly frozen into tundras. At some points, the chariot drew so close to the earth that some places turned into deserts. Zeus saw what was happening, and to protect the rest of the world, shot Phaëthon down with a lightning bolt.

Phaëthon's body fell into the river Eridanos, and his sisters who went to find his body mourned so intensely that either as a mercy killing from the gods or because magical biology just kinda works this way in Greek mythology, they turned into poplar trees and their tears became amber.

Hades. Hardly ever leaves the Underworld, thus cutting down on the risk of me having to be his champion.

Hera.

Lacking some of the more intriguing gimmicks, perhaps, but political clout out the wazoo. Get her on your side, ain't nobody going to risk fucking with you.

I'd pick Apollo, the most sciency guy of the bunch.

Nyx. Her children are all the personifications of various negative aspects of life. I‘ve got a bit of a pessimistic attitude. Just seems fitting.

Prometheus for sure. The Titian that humble his kind, the Titan that modeled man from clay, that stole fire from the Olympians when he saw man had no other gifts, that freed hope from Pandora's box.

Athenas and Hephaestus's gifts are invaluable gods of wisdom, craftsmen, and artificial beings, but without fire from the defiant Titan we had nothing to really build our cities from.

Fuck that’s like the one culture that didn’t just straight up steal my primary deity (Ishtar) upon hearing about her.

So I guess I’d go with Gaia. The great thing about Gaia is i know the earth exists

Hekate is a second though. Midnight rituals are great.

No Luna yet, you're all heathens.

Hail Eris, Hail Discordia!

Dionysius.

He's really fun at parties. Hates oppressive, overreaching powers. Destroys anyone that opposed the freedoms of his followers with a literal plant stem. I don't see many drawbacks.

Demeter. Goddess of agriculture, harvests, and the earth. She seems really chill and a hippy.

prometheus. he would actually care about you.

Hypnos lol

I am already an active practicing Discordian. My work is religious. Every day I distribute a substance that uproots the normal workings of the mind. Hail Eris! Hail Yourself!

CAERUS Minor god of opportunity, luck and favorable moments

Artemis for sure. I have always been a fan of her plus I love nature and archery.

Hedone

Talos for the win!

Pan, I guess? Weird randy goat man playing pipes in the woods can probably grant me a divine bong or something idk.

Nike for the win!