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Am I (24M) being delusional over possibilities of a relationship with my crush (21F)? (kbin.social)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by misago@kbin.social to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
18 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Long story short: we have been meeting each other for a while for semi-professional reasons, around two years now, although we only got close in the recent months. We have a very strong group of friends thanks to which we interacted a lot recently.

A job-related difficult situation arose recently and we have been extremely supportive to each other. We talk for hours at night about what's troubling us, we worry whenever one or the other is not in a good mood to extensive lengths. If she wakes up before me she always says good morning and ask me how's things.

I always thought of her as "way out of my league", and for this reason didn't even approach the concept of a relationship until recently: she is very fit while I am on the softer side, and I don't know what to think: she is extremely smart, intelligent, and would never reduce me down to my weight, but I do believe that looks play a part in all of this and honestly I believe myself as quite ugly. All of this didn't deter me from getting extremely infatuated with her, up to the point where she's all I can think about.

We'll have some time next week to be just by ourselves; she hates to trouble others, but she agreed without much fuss to let me accompany her at an important meeting, adding she'd be delighted to have me there.

On one side we have this wonderful friendship, and I'd genuinely hate for it to crumble. We so often joke together and talk about important things and I worry, what if my feelings are exaggerated and they end up ruining everything? Should I just make them quiet down? Of course I am basing all of this on the concept of a sure rejection, but the chance for them not liking me in "that" way is so strong in my head that I am also quite paralyzed.

But then again, a few days ago she re-posted a messenger screenshot in which I appear with a colored heart next to my name, and my brain obviously yeehaw'ed right into over-analysis: wow! a heart!! But.. is it colored because it is secondary, less important to the red one and thus indicating a strictly friendly relationship? Or maybe it's a special color (it does have some meaning for us two, would rather not explain as that'd be too sensible of an information) and thus acquiring the opposite meaning? I guess I would have understood better if other close friends of her appeared in the screenshots, as to gauge whether or not they also had a heart next to their name, but that didn't happen so I'm left with doubt.

Sorry for the rambly mess. Any suggestions and words about how to deal with this are more than welcome.

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[–] Roll_4Initiative@kbin.social 6 points 1 year ago

I think approaching this in a level-headed, communicative way is your best option. Steer clear of openly professing your love for them, just ask them if they'd be interested in going on a date. In your shoes, I'd also make it clear that I value their friendship, and if this isn't something they'd be interested in the last thing you want to lose is a good friend. Feelings happen, handling them in mature way when they aren't reciprocated is the key to not burning that bridge. No matter how bad a "no" might hypothetically feel, not knowing and living with that regret will always be worse. On your other notes about how you see yourself, I've been there too. Clothes that fit and a nice haircut can do wonders (not assuming you don't do these things, just putting it here in case). All that aside, you clearly have a lot to offer as someone they enjoy talking to so frequently. Remember that when you ask, confidence can go a long way.

[–] BestBouclettes@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago

Based on an experience similar to yours, I can tell you need to be honest with your intentions and feelings (with yourself first and foremost, and with your crush afterwards).
A friendship in which one side wants more than the other is usually not healthy and not viable in the long run. That builds resentment and regret.
Keep in mind that a lot of women are put in uncomfortable positions when faced with a situation like this. It can make them feel used and the longer you wait to be honest with your intentions, the harder the fall will be for both of you.

[–] Calcharger@kbin.social 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

So I'm a millenial, so we may have generational texting ethics that don't align. But:

If she wakes up before me she always says good morning and ask me how's things.

If she is frequently texting you first thing in the morning, that's a strong indicator of interest. Are there any hints of flirtation in the texts? Or do they stay on the topic of work?

[–] DefenestrableOffense@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

I'm a millenial, so we may have generational texting ethics that don't align, but...

Lol I love this. Also, I had the same thought: seems like a BIG sign with flashing arrows.

[–] Tetra@kbin.social 3 points 1 year ago

You talk for hours at night, she goes back to talking to you first thing in the morning, she compliments your looks, puts hearts next to your name... I could just be kind of naive, I'm no expert on love at all, but to me those are all good signs she could be interested.

I'd say ask her out? See some movies together or something, meet each other outside of work, see how that goes. Just hanging out together for starters, I think that'll tell you both all you need to know about how the other feels. No need to rush into romance and dramatic declarations of love, take your time and treasure the friendship first.

From the sound of it, if she does share your feelings the transition will happen all on its own. Don't overthink things too much, at the end of the day if you two enjoy each other's company, just spend more time together.

[–] Lantech@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago

Shoot your shot or it's just going to eat at you forever. Don't go overboard and crazy with it though.

[–] KnockoutKOD@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I think the answer is easy. When you get a chance, while you two are alone and in a good mood laughing and just having a great time, ask her if she wants to grab dinner some time. Just that simple statement, in a curious and inviting way, and then if she says no just say “okay, no worries! The offers gonna stay available in case you want to sometime later”. If she says yes, ask what day works best and set a time, tell her you can pick the place and surprise her if she wants. Go from there. Godspeed.

[–] new_acct_who_dis@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Only follow up with the mention of the offer always being open if you're ok with ending the relationship.

Conventionally attractive women tend to be aware if a guy is faking a friendship while waiting for his "turn"

[–] new_acct_who_dis@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Oops wrong thread

[–] new_acct_who_dis@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

Only follow up with the mention of the offer always being open if you're ok with ending the relationship.

Conventionally attractive women tend to be aware if a guy is faking a friendship while waiting for his "turn"

[–] idone_didit@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

So here's what can happen:

  1. You profess your feelings, she professes hers back in kind, hooray!
  2. You profess your feelings, she doesn't feel that way, you stay friends and you have to FULLY give up on your romantic feelings toward her (otherwise it's something that will always be hanging over your friendship [I think this is the hardest option for you]).
  3. You profess your feelings, she doesn't feel that way, it's too hard for her to be friends knowing you'll always want something more and your friendship is gone, you both move on.

I'm definitely missing some more nuance, but these are kind of the broad categories I could come up with. The questions you should ask yourself are: is it worth the risk to act right now? Do I have enough information to make a decision on this? If not, how do I get more information in order to make the best choice?

Also if it's only been in the past couple months you've been growing closer, give it more time. Like several more months. If it continues to develop, you might get all the information you need!

[–] Ragnell@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

Most women respect honesty. If you tell her how you feel now, the two of you can work out whether she feels the same and wants to move forward, or if you two should just keep it light and casual and if you can handle that. If you carry this torch, though, and don't tell her, it's possible you'll get resentful and then she'll be resentful when you tell her, thinking your friendship had ulterior motives.

Get it into the open, and go from there. Maybe she likes you back, maybe she doesn't feel that way but you two can still be friends, maybe it's a crush that'll dissipate quickly.

[–] NetHandle@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

I'm seeing a lot of people saying take the chance.

At the same time I can't help but think how disappointing it must be as a woman to not be able to have a platonic friendship with a guy without them thinking it's something more or wanting it to be. Maybe she thinks you're just a decent friend. If you take that shot there's a good chance she'll keep her distance in the future.

On the flip side I can't help but think of all the stories of girls flirting with guys who are completely oblivious.

Not enough info to make a good determination, other than life is short and you're young, you can afford to take a risk or two. Personally, I wouldn't but that's cause I'm a coward.

[–] hanj@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I wrote a long comment that got lost. Uh...

TLDR If the feeling is mutual it's about not fumbling the ball more than racing to the finish line. Work on yourself if you aren't proud of who you are. Strengthen friendships, especially mutual ones. Treasure the feeling and be kind to both of you.

[–] misago@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm sorry about the lost comment :( I definitely agree with you. Time is needed, both to understand if my feelings are actually true or if it's more about a temporary enfatuation. I feel very lucky to have both her and our other friends, so I think this'll go smooth regardless. And truly, being kind to everyone's feelings, me included, is what I need to look upon. Thank you so much!

[–] hanj@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

Ah yeah I can't remember everything I wrote. I was a long the lines of what some people are saying, "take it slow". IMO don't bury your feelings or fully expose them.

It's a little paradoxical sometimes. The more important your time is with someone, the slower you go. Because that means you consider it precious. If you just go for it in a way it means you are prepared to lose them. Of course you can wait too long, but as long as day to day is happy and nothing is between you, I hope you can progress in a natural way.

Perhaps you can be honest about your feeling without being forceful. Just show genuine happiness, prioritize time, and your friends can catch on. Then if there is an issue someone can tell you discreetly. And if you let it out slowly you have time as you say, to understand the feelings. And maybe she is also unsure, who knows?

I wish you good luck. I hope you dodge any ugliness and no matter what happens you can look back in years and smile about it.

[–] AttackBunny@kbin.social 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It’s kinda hard to say, from info given, what she might be thinking. Has she indicated, in any tangible way, that she’s interested in more than friendship? In my experience, a lot of men think a woman is interested because she’s simply being nice to them, and enjoys a friendship with them.

I know I’ve personally experienced it a bunch of time. I become friends with a guy, we text/chat/occasionally hang out, and then a month later he’s professing his undying love for me, and all I’m left wondering wtf happened (not saying this is you) to make him think that was my intent. I was just being friendly ffs.

Also, having a work/professional relationship makes it even more complicated. Are you peers? Are you higher in the food chain than her?

I guess what I’m asking, in not the most elegant way, does she flirt with you, or show you she’s interested in more than friendship?

[–] misago@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago

Much of what you say hits home and sounds very true! Indeed, I know it might be hard to understand why the mixed feelings. To add more context: she is very timid, so sometimes it's hard to discern if some of her words are filled to the brim with friendly love only, or if there's another type of interest in there. We also recently started to compliment each other about looks, for example, but I am aware that this could simply be close friends breaking certain barriers that would be awkward at earlier stages :) This definitely answer your question though: realistically, there is no clear flirt or interest sign. If she wanted, she could've already showed so.

In truth, using the word delusional might have been a little too strong: I know for a fact that our friendship is 100% genuine, and that is what I cherish the most. All of the compliments I send her way are honest, and I believe my actions to not have second means. If I give her rides it's because I enjoy our talks, enjoy our time together. The friendship is definitely much clearer than any ulterior feeling I am thinking about here. I talked about infatuation, but truly, maybe the main reason for why I worry so much about her and why I care so much is that I didn't feel a bond this pure since years. I am just rambling here, this falls on me to understand, but the points you've brought forth are very valid.

Something I know for sure is that I would hate it for me to spoil the friendship which she is so clearly enjoying.

P.s. there's no work relationship binding us, we simply work close to each other and meet often during work hours. Our "though" professional time being the same time is purely coincidental.