General rules:
Exceptions may be made at the discretion of the mods.
An older pro-tip from my elderly aunt:
If you are a single woman living alone, purchase a used pair of the biggest boots you can find. Get them work-dirty, and leave them outside the door. Strangers knocking will think twice before pushing their way in.
I'll just sell you my old ones. I have enormous feet.
"big asf" with tiny feet
Smaller the better - more creepy, more likely you just stepped into the home of slenderman
Like Paul Bunyan walking around on pool cues.
Don't put them too far away otherwise people might think the house is inhabited by two one legged amputees
“I’m sure they have plenty of good stuff to steal, with all that extra money they are saving on shoes!”
Lol I never thought about this.
An amputee missing his right leg walks into the bar, sees an amputee missing his left leg.
"Hey dude what shoe size are you?"
"11.5, why?"
"No way me too! You want all my rights? I'll trade for your lefts!"
I'm going to hell for this for at least a few weeks, but don't you mean "hops into a bar"?
Hehe yeah I thought it as I typed it but decided to use walks anyway.
"big asf" hurts. It should be "big AF", "big as fuck" or I'll even allow "big as F", but pick a lane.
big age sex focation
Or Dennis Reynolds 
No then they will start looking for your golden goose
also get a gigantic food dish and add some giant hambones with giant teeth marks
I kind of do the opposite, I am big as fuck. But that just means they are more likely to see me as scary instead of gentle. Intruders that get scared are much worse than intruders you can talk to. They might get desperate and do something much worse than steal a bit of your stuff.
So before they see me, I let them know that I am very big but not a threat. So it is less of a surprise and more likely to lead to a conversation rather than a confrontation. You can keep my stuff, I just want to keep my life. I can get my stuff back, or new stuff, I only have the one life, and it is irreplaceable to me.
Looks more like aliens beamed you away. Let the probing begin!