Trees

If the whole world smoked a joint simultaneously, there would be peace for a few hours, followed by a global food shortage.

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner? The drunk will run a stop sign, the stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Weed is crazy these days. Buddy handed me a joint and I took a big ole hit, felt something cold on my shoulder, turned around and it was the fucking floor.

Cheers, mate!

This is how I subdue my cat during laundry.

A pirate captain comes out of his quarters, and he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. So the quartermaster comes over and says, "Arr, Captain! Why do ye have a steering wheel in your pants?" The captain replies, "Arr I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day!"

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Muh babiez

There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50. And turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS