Ask Lemmy

Actually being there and staying involved is important. My biodad was a complete POS until last year. My mom was essentially a single mother my whole life because my biodad was never around. He was a really good father for the first two years of my life, then he just kinda stopped giving a shit. I recommend that you don't do that. He used to manipulate tf out of me emotionally and would make so many false promises. His mental health was fucked and he was an alcoholic for a long time.

I cut ties entirely with him and a few years after that, he reached out to my mom to see if we could talk. He had finally gotten his shit together. He's on his meds and doesn't drink like he used to. I don't see the man as a father, however. I see him as a friend. We text almost daily, but he knows that I don't consider him a father-figure and acknowledges it and all of his wrongdoings. He was only 21 years too late, but that's better than never.

He is part of the reason I have a very hard time trusting people. He had let me down countless times in my life and each time just broke me. I just couldn't not get my hopes up at his false promises. He was so good at sounding genuine. Now that he's sober and on his meds, I've learned that his truly genuine tone and words are far different than the ones he used when he was still a drunk.

Anyway, I highly recommend you don't do any of the shit my biodad did. Being hella bitter about your relationship with your father sucks.

I didn't grow up living together with my dad as my parents split when I was about 2 or 3. But he's always been in my life, and I've always visited often. He's always given me good advice about things. Shown me how to be patient. Shown me how to show love. How to be affectionate, and how to be firm but fair. He's also shown his weaknesses, which I've used as an example of what not to do because I saw the negative impacts of them in his own life.

Amazing father, from a distance. I've been blessed with unconditional love from every direction, so that's what I aim to show my kids. Patience, tolerance, respect, love, and teach them to love and respect in good ways.

These things I feel apply whether or not you have a daughter or son, or other. So do with this what you will. ❤️👋

I'm a man but my dad was just not in my life at all and now I do my best to be in my son's life as much as possible. His mother moved 2 hours away to a place that costs $50 every time you leave due to bridge fees so it's not easy . But I video call with him almost every night he's not with me and spend as much time with him I can . I think what really matters it that you are there for her . I think you are going to do great ! I have a daughter on the way too !

When I was young, my dad would do cheesy magic tricks and let me walk on his feet. He'd let me and my sister dress him up and put clips in his hair. Growing up he helped with my homework and cultured my love for learning and writing. This all fostered really wonderful memories.

As an adult, the one thing that I would change about my relationship with him is that I'd wish he could better express his emotions. He's very emotionally shut-in and we recently went through the deaths of his brother and his mom and that man has cried once. I know he feels sad but he just acts like everything's okay and that's hard for me to watch and hard for me to know how to be there for him. My mom, on the other hand, is very emotionally open and I always know that she needs me to talk or to just be there with her. I guess more so than expressing his emotions, I just wish he'd tell me what he needs, but we come from a culture of machismo where he learned he's not supposed to need things, especially from women.

Anyways, just be there for your baby girl. Enjoy your time together, and she'll have plenty of great memories with her dad.

OP, thank you for asking this question. I'm in a remarkably similar boat; my SO had an absent father and I want to be the best dad to my new little girl (just a bit over 3 weeks) that I can be. Like you, I want to make sure my daughter has the opportunity to grow up strong, confident, kind, compassionate, and independent. I look forward to reading all the replies. :)

So I tried to share the contents of a The Atlantic article that's incredibly relevant, and as someone who has spent 30 years working for a center for neglected children, it hit real close to home. Unfortunately, the article was too long to post, and I don't know how to bypass the paywall. Maybe someone here can?

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/07/the-dangers-of-distracted-parenting/561752/

The bottom line is that we need to be present for our kids. If we're staring at our black mirrors and not emotionally engaging with them they're going to feel devalued.

My wife's father is still peddling that toxic masculinity bullshit on his grandson, saying...to our 1-year-old... To toughen it up.

My wife about lost it on him. Now that was to our son but for our daughter it would be no different and it's a reflection of her childhood.

Being emotionally unattached, uncomfortable with crying, and being incapable saying sorry and admitting you're wrong are simply massive. Kids are kids but they have a keen sense of justice and parents should empower them to stand up for themselves and be proud of them for exposing you as a hypocrite... Not beat them with a belt...

And for goodness sake, play with your kid. She wants to play dolls? Dress you up? Paint your nails? Tea time? By god you do it! If she wants to play with army men (they make army gals, too), go for it!

My dad was quick to judge things and people that were different than him, and that included not liking or accepting LGBT+ people. He would also regularly and half-jokingly threaten my siblings and me with violence if we did something he didn’t like; his favorite saying was “i’ll put your head through the wall”.

Needless to say that once I discovered my queerness, I knew I could never trust my father or tell him. He had conditioned me to be afraid of him. I came out to him at 19 and was kicked out of the house and he’s never spoken to me since. He also kicked out my older sister for dating a guy my dad didn’t approve of, but at least he still spoke to her after that.

Please don’t do things that would make your kids afraid of you. It messes kids up in a big way when they can’t trust their caregivers.

My mother has borderline personality disorder. She regards people as furniture she rearranges to suit her, or she tosses them out of her life and finds someone new, continually blowing through friend after friend. She regards her children and husband as extensions of her will. She's dangerous and violent and manipulative. My father had a group of good friends when they met, and one by one she decided they weren't good enough and eliminated them.

He just bends to her will no matter what it is. Sometimes he gets irritated and snaps back, but ultimately caves.

She forced my brother to pretend he wasn't gay for years. She is now doing her best to break up his relationship apparently. I am estranged from them all. She is pathologically obsessed with my appearance, to the point where I cannot bear to be in the same room as her because she's always scrutinizing every millimeter of me, be it negative or positive.

And he's just forever let her. He knows full well what she does, and that it has permanently cost them their relationship with me. Yet if I talked to him about her behaviour he would just insist repeatedly that she loved me. She most certainly does not. She doesn't love anyone really, she's not capable. Her disorder can only be described as malignant.

Every year he calls me on my birthday, I have their number blocked but my carrier lets it go to voice mail and he leaves this pathetic message saying he misses me. But that doesn't change that he does nothing to stand up to her or defend me.

So he was basically pointless in my life. We didn't do anything together, he didn't teach me anything or help me much.

I’d tell you, but it would be best to show you first with a cadaver dog and a walk around my parents’ place. Otherwise, no one would believe me.

The immediate downvotes are most likely my distant cousins who want me to stop talking about that. If there was nothing to hide, why downvote it? Why not bring out cadaver dogs and put me in my place by showing me I’m wrong?