here's the thing, there is a perceived idea that being gay means that you fit into "gay culture" and all the aesthetic ideas that go along with it, which is not exactly what's real (at least, this is my perception as a mostly straight ally).

So these guys think, I don't like the way the sterotype of a gay person behaves in my head. I don't belong in that group of people. Sure I want to suck a dick, but I don't want to go see a drag show or act like a woman (not my opinion here) so I'm not gay. I just want to jerk off with my buds.

that's why they had to come up with the definition of MSM. People basically think "gay? I'm not gay! I fucked Jim in the ass yesterday, but that doesn't mean I'm gay."

onion article that's kinda related to what I'm trying to express : https://www.theonion.com/gay-pride-parade-sets-mainstream-acceptance-of-gays-bac-1819566014

"My understanding was that gay people are just like everybody else–decent, hard-working people who care about their communities and have loving, committed relationships," Weber said. "But, after this terrifying spectacle, I don't want them teaching my kids or living in my neighborhood."

basically this