this post was submitted on 14 Nov 2023
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Definitely an understandable feeling when you see these kinds of conversations but honestly most instances are just full of relatively normal folks talking about relatively normal things, especially the bigger ones since they have such a diverse user base. The main "bad" ones to know about are Lemmygrad and Hexbear for being very politics-focused. Then Beehaw for being a bit of a walled garden that prefers not to mix too much with the rest of the Threadiverse. There was one called exploding-heads too that was mostly just full of trolls, but I think they gave up on Lemmy and went somewhere else.
Some that stand out for more wholesome reasons are places like slrpunk.net (solarpunk / environmentalism stuff), mander.xyz (lots of awesome sciencey communities).
Most make it very obvious what they are before you sign up, like there's yiffit.net for furries, lemmy.blahaj.zone for LGBT, ani.social for anime, then things like literature.cafe, startrek.website, programming.dev, (cough cough) lemmynsfw etc are obvious from the names.
Ok I started this comment thinking there were only a couple to mention but actually you're right a list somewhere might be good! https://join-lemmy.org/instances is supposed to be that, but most don't list much useful info really.