this post was submitted on 02 Sep 2023
236 points (98.0% liked)
Asklemmy
43947 readers
874 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy ๐
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- !lemmy411@lemmy.ca: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
Very common question but no one wants to hear the truth... You don't.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but for the majority of people you kind of don't. The social situations where you might meet people in your you ger days are closing or have already closed.
School is usually a big one for most, but after a certain age, you're not likely to be in school any longer and if you are, then you'll be considerably older than others.
Work is another one, but recent trends work against that. People tend to work at places for a short period of time before they jump ship. Shorter period of time, short number of connections you might make. Also with the hysteria over sexual harassment, people tend to not want anything to do with finding close connections these days at work. And of course working from home is clearly the biggest killer. You're not going to connect with someone over a few Teams messages.
People tend to be less physically active as they get older, so meeting people on a team sport tends to be less common.
Lastly everything kind of snowballs. The less friends you have, the less friends-of-friends you might meet. And if you have some friends that are in a relationship, then forget about it. They'll want to spend time with their significant other, and god forbid they get married and have kids. You'll never see those people again unless you also have kids. I'm not painting a very positive picture here, but I think it's way more realistic than many want to admit.
This is incredibly cynical and untrue. There are plenty of ways to make friends around hobbies, but you do have to work at it, like most meaningful things. It also takes time. The internet can be isolating, but it also can bring people together via meetups and other avenues.
Early thirties here, married, and we have 2 kids. You hit the nail on the head, unfortunately!
Key here is married. You already found each other and gained each other's friends
We also just moved to a new city, far away from everyone we know... So now neither of us have any friends.
Wait for your kids to make friends, then get to know their parents
It's easy to make acquaintances, but just because your kids are friends does nothing to make the parents "click" and be friends.
OK, and how is that any different than making friends childless?
They have kids, also known as friend repellant.
You can also gain friends through kids
Those are not friends but partners in suffering.
Yeah, well, it's a usually self-inflicted condition, so I don't feel any empathy in those cases.
If it's about what somebody asked, nobody asked you to stay alive, and you still do, no doubt aggravating many.
These are indeed reasons why people tend not to make friends as they get older.
But none of them are reasons why one couldn't make friends. All you need to do is find someone else who also wants to make friends, and then become friends. None of these make that actually impossible.
You just responded to a message detailing why it's difficult to find people who want to make friends. This has the same energy as telling someone with depression to just not be sad.
I see it as a list of reasons why you actually have to search for people to befriend. Like use an online system or run an ad in the newspaper or something, rather than just hope you already are going to encounter suitable people just going about your life.
I don't think not having any friend candidates handy is the same kind of problem as depression.
That's what makes it difficult, isn't it? It's something that used to passively happen as you went about your life, and suddenly you need to actively work for it. Something you've never learned to do.
No one is comparing the problems. I'm comparing the proposed solutions. If someone says "I have problem X", it's very unhelpful to respond with "just don't have problem X".
I really want to say "you can solve problem X!". It can be done! Don't lose hope!
Though that is silent as to how exactly.