this post was submitted on 16 Jun 2023
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You have some great points. I wanted to expand on the idea of speaking to a therapist and self reflection. It's hard to make friends, and it definitely gets harder as we get older. But it's even harder to keep friends.
Forming surface level relationships is a skill that can be learned. There are tricks and strategies that make it easier. Deep, meaningful relationships are a totally different challenge. That challenge involves understanding yourself as much if not more than the other person. It's work, and it's not always fun. It's Also something that you can't expect others to help or lead you to, so you have to be motivated to keep working through tough spots. Most people aren't willing to admit (especially to themselves) their own flaws in a meaningful way. This is where a therapist might be able to help. It's their job to help people through this process, even if it's difficult. Better understanding your own role in previous relationships and how that might have contributed to their end (or not contributed to maintaining their growth) is important to avoid future relationships struggling at the same stage.
Just like romantic relationships close friendships are risky. It's hard to not grow more jaded as you've been through more negative experiences. The natural tendency is to transfer distrust learned from people you've known in the past to people who you are getting to know. It's a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt, but it can also make you unwilling to work around other people's flaws or even see problems that aren't there. That effect works both ways, not only do you have to fight your own tendency to distrust people, the person you're getting to know will be struggling with the same distrust from their own past. Unfortunately, you can't force anyone on a journey they are not willing to take, so finding someone who is willing to do that kind of self reflection is important. And obviously, if you aren't familiar with and willing to pursue that process in yourself you won't know to see it and build on it with others.
Sorry for the rant, just something I've observed as I age.