I'm a 37 year old IT Cloud Engineer, I have a great job, great house, love my family, but recently I lost my dad to cancer after a 16 year battle. My brother likes to say cancer had to cheat to win, it was all because he broke his back and had to be taken off his treatments for to long. Cancer is a fickle bitch...
Prior to losing my dad, I lost my best friend, who apparently dropped dead in his backyard. I don't know the specifics and frankly I don't want to know. Either way, these events effected me, and I started having massive panic attacks and anxiety issues, constantly afraid for my health even though there's nothing wrong with me. It took a few months of therapy to realize I needed medical help.
I was put on antidepressants and everything changed, I was a human again for the first time in like a decade. I was happy, I was successful, but now, idk if I'm just having a midlife crisis, or if maybe I'm just feeling depressed again, but I just feel lost. I've lost one of the few people in my life I've modeled my success after, my father, I lost the other person I could hang out with and empathize with, I have my wife and I love her to death, but my friend had been that person that was just there to hang out and make you feel better, and now they're gone. I'm still struggling to cope and it's just really hard and I need a place to vent.
Anyone have any ideas on how to cope and move on as well as control the anxiety without the need to be medicated?
TL;DR: Lost my dad and my best friend in the course of two years and it's been rough. Now I feel lost and confused constantly. Cloudy brain and I just don't want to be complacent in life and need some advice. Thanks for reading.
Edit: just wanted to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I'm going to take the advice I've been given here to heart and try some new things to try and give me some direction. Thank you all again so much for the help, it really made me feel a lot better.
As far as anxiety goes, I loved a book called Dare by Barry McDonagh. Not going to lie, it boils down to "accept the anxiety" which sounds very "thanks I’m cured", but it walks you through the steps to get there.
I had a bad reaction to some medication, and had to go to the ER. For a long time after that I was terrified of dying and even just being alone in a room in case I needed help but couldn't talk. For the first week or two after that, I'd have a panic attack every few minutes. It eventually spaced out to a few times a week, but it felt debilitating and embarrassing, and every time it felt like I was having a heart attack. I was constantly analyzing my body for any sign of abnormality and just waiting for it to turn on me.
Seeing as I couldn't get rid of the anxiety, I bought the book because it was on sale and it actually helped me a ton. Every so often I feel one coming on, but I’m now able to recognize it for what it is and move on with my life as opposed to getting sucked in.
For meditation (kind of in reply to one of your replies here), to me meditating isn't directly about feeling better, it's about noticing things and accepting what's there.
The meditation app I like is Smiling Mind. It gets a bit repetitive, but it's totally free (it is by a non-profit) and I like the Australian accents.
I tried Insight Timer and it was pretty hit or miss (free meditations from tons of creators with an optional sub for courses and a few features), and Oak which was good but I remember being very basic.
I’m sorry you're going through this. It's ok to not be ok. Give yourself some space and time.