My fiance and I took in a stray female kitten about 3 months ago. She was 2 months old at the time, so 5 months now. She showed up at my fiance's coworker's door and once my partner saw the pictures, she wanted her.
I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't want to take her in. My fiance must have asked over 30 times in 2 weeks. She was in tears pleading before I finally caved. And I regret it. I regret it a lot.
We are not equipped to handle her. We live in a loft style apartment with only one door (to the bathroom). She doesn't have enough space to be a cat, and we're gone an average of 9-10 hours a day for work.
Our cat can be really sweet when she's calm, but that's increasingly rare as she gets more bored with the lack of human companionship. She's even losing interest in her toys and I just don't think this environment is good for her.
Beyond that, I just need space from her. My job is stressful (as is my partner's) and I don't have the mental or physical energy to give this kitten attention, and nowhere to go to get a break. It's reached a point where I dread coming home and I enjoy work more.
This cat is just an unrelenting ball of energy. She's destructive, she doesn't know what boundaries are, etc. And while none of that is her fault, I'm just not ready for it. I have too much on my plate already. I even started therapy just to try to find ways to cope, but I'm frequently the target of our cat's play aggression and none of the therapy exercises help me deal with that.
I am stuck doing most of the cat duties because, despite her repeated assurances, my fiance will not step up and do much to care for her.
But at the same time, I worry about what her life will be like if we send her to a shelter. Where should I even begin? The vet we got her fixed at just said "well, what did you expect? She's a kitten." Which is true, but not very helpful.
I have a cat who, through no fault of her own (every cat from that queen is neurotic), is super neurotic. She suckles blankets, has zero self control, and does naughty things that she knows are naughty. She can’t help herself. I can watch her in real time process the conflict and she still goes for the thing she knows is bad.
It really sucks to have to deal with that sort of energy when you wanted the opposite. (I had a pair of kittens, along with a pair of adults. One of the calm kittens failed to thrive and died the same day as one of my adults so I was a mess, and the only other kitten I could get on short notice was the neurotic “spicy” kitten. The other adult, who was the whole reason I got kittens at all, died unexpectedly a few months later)
But they do learn that their behavior is unwanted with frequent calm reinforcement. Mine are about a year old now, and all I have to say is “hey (name), please stop”, and they both mostly do. The neurotic cat still has self control issues, but I think of her like someone with ADHD, which I can relate to. It’s just hard to do things that don’t satisfy that impulse. But she’s really trying and I can tell.
You’ll probably get to that point too, and it’s super super frustrating for that first year or so until she learns what is and is not ok. But you’ll make it. You’ve absolutely dealt with worse and more frustrating things, if you still can’t stand her when she’s a year old, she’ll still be adoptable young, and it’ll give you time to hash out the issues with your partner so she fully understands your position and the logic behind it.
My method of reinforcement was to gently remove her head from whatever thing, and say “(name), please stop”. I’m still working on the suckling - it’s harder to stop because it’s a comfort action, but she doesn’t attack my hands anymore (that was just not engaging, removing hand, and ignoring for 5 min), doesn’t chew cords or table corners, etc. it takes a ton of reinforcement, but it does work. Cats are scientists, they explore the world by doing things to it and seeing what happens. If the result isn’t great, they stop.
I don’t really have a solution to the space issue, but maybe you can employ your fiancée to distract the cat while you recharge and prepare. It may also help with the attack issue. If she’s not into the toys you have, try getting different ones (wand toys with changeable heads, laser pointers, but you have to end with an attack toy or they feel unfulfilled, heck I have a staircase, and use a mouse on a string to wear out my cats by making them run up to get it then dragging it back down. They burn out very fast that way.)