My fiance and I took in a stray female kitten about 3 months ago. She was 2 months old at the time, so 5 months now. She showed up at my fiance's coworker's door and once my partner saw the pictures, she wanted her.
I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't want to take her in. My fiance must have asked over 30 times in 2 weeks. She was in tears pleading before I finally caved. And I regret it. I regret it a lot.
We are not equipped to handle her. We live in a loft style apartment with only one door (to the bathroom). She doesn't have enough space to be a cat, and we're gone an average of 9-10 hours a day for work.
Our cat can be really sweet when she's calm, but that's increasingly rare as she gets more bored with the lack of human companionship. She's even losing interest in her toys and I just don't think this environment is good for her.
Beyond that, I just need space from her. My job is stressful (as is my partner's) and I don't have the mental or physical energy to give this kitten attention, and nowhere to go to get a break. It's reached a point where I dread coming home and I enjoy work more.
This cat is just an unrelenting ball of energy. She's destructive, she doesn't know what boundaries are, etc. And while none of that is her fault, I'm just not ready for it. I have too much on my plate already. I even started therapy just to try to find ways to cope, but I'm frequently the target of our cat's play aggression and none of the therapy exercises help me deal with that.
I am stuck doing most of the cat duties because, despite her repeated assurances, my fiance will not step up and do much to care for her.
But at the same time, I worry about what her life will be like if we send her to a shelter. Where should I even begin? The vet we got her fixed at just said "well, what did you expect? She's a kitten." Which is true, but not very helpful.
I'm going to start by saying you need to have a frank discussion with your fiance about who's responsible for the cat. I'm taking a bit of a leap here, but it sounds like this isn't the only problem with communication between you two. Also, and I think you know this, but taking the cat to a shelter will put a wedge between you and your fiance if she isn't fully on board with the idea.
As for the cat, well, she's a kitten. It's what they do. But it won't be forever, she will start to calm down in about another 6 months to a year. The constant need to play will start to disappear and probably turn into the need for lap time. She's a lot of work now, but when she's fully grown she'll be a lot more independent and easier to handle. You might even find she'll become a great companion once the kitten energy wears off.
As she grows and learns how to cat, her instincts are telling her what to do when she encounters prey. And the only way for her to get good is to "practice," unfortunately on you. When she starts, grab one of her toys and dangle it in front of her. If she starts going for it, toss it for her to chase.
A toy I suggest you get for her is a Kong Kickeroo. She'll be able to wrap herself around it (like I assume she tries to do with your hands, arms, legs and feet) and really go to town on it. It's good for her and good for you, since she can burn off her energy without causing you pain. To add to her enjoyment, you can grab the tail of the toy and give it gentle tugs while she's wrapped around it to mimic the toy "struggling" to get free.
I hope some of this will help!
This is well said and good advice.
One thing stood out to me in OPs post and I want to add one point to that.
Well, yes. She's a kitten, a baby. She knows about as much about boundaries than a toddler. She will not learn that on her own, or only up to a certain level. Just like a puppy she needs you to teach her and show her boundaries. Cats might not take orders like dogs do, but they still need guidance and training. If they can't learn from their morhers their human needs to fill this role.
There are lots of recourses, blogs and websites online. Here are a few to get you started.
How to Master the Art of Boundaries with Your Cat
Can You Set Boundaries With Cats?
How To Set Healthy Boundaries For Your Cat
How To House Train And Communicate Better With Your Kitten
Thank you for these links. I'm looking over them. Hopefully I can implement some and see what happens.
And I'm very aware she wouldn't know better. It's just difficult to get her to recognize boundaries. She always wants to play or get in your business. And I understand. She's curious and I'm a lot more interesting than her toys.
But my issue is that while we're teaching her those boundaries, I have pretty much nowhere to go in the apartment to escape in the meantime. Just like she wants places to hide when she wants to be alone, I need that too. I get home from shouting matches with angry people in my industry to be pounced on for a while. I don't often have it in me to engage. I just want to be alone for a bit to recharge.
I have a cat who, through no fault of her own (every cat from that queen is neurotic), is super neurotic. She suckles blankets, has zero self control, and does naughty things that she knows are naughty. She can’t help herself. I can watch her in real time process the conflict and she still goes for the thing she knows is bad.
It really sucks to have to deal with that sort of energy when you wanted the opposite. (I had a pair of kittens, along with a pair of adults. One of the calm kittens failed to thrive and died the same day as one of my adults so I was a mess, and the only other kitten I could get on short notice was the neurotic “spicy” kitten. The other adult, who was the whole reason I got kittens at all, died unexpectedly a few months later)
But they do learn that their behavior is unwanted with frequent calm reinforcement. Mine are about a year old now, and all I have to say is “hey (name), please stop”, and they both mostly do. The neurotic cat still has self control issues, but I think of her like someone with ADHD, which I can relate to. It’s just hard to do things that don’t satisfy that impulse. But she’s really trying and I can tell.
You’ll probably get to that point too, and it’s super super frustrating for that first year or so until she learns what is and is not ok. But you’ll make it. You’ve absolutely dealt with worse and more frustrating things, if you still can’t stand her when she’s a year old, she’ll still be adoptable young, and it’ll give you time to hash out the issues with your partner so she fully understands your position and the logic behind it.
My method of reinforcement was to gently remove her head from whatever thing, and say “(name), please stop”. I’m still working on the suckling - it’s harder to stop because it’s a comfort action, but she doesn’t attack my hands anymore (that was just not engaging, removing hand, and ignoring for 5 min), doesn’t chew cords or table corners, etc. it takes a ton of reinforcement, but it does work. Cats are scientists, they explore the world by doing things to it and seeing what happens. If the result isn’t great, they stop.
I don’t really have a solution to the space issue, but maybe you can employ your fiancée to distract the cat while you recharge and prepare. It may also help with the attack issue. If she’s not into the toys you have, try getting different ones (wand toys with changeable heads, laser pointers, but you have to end with an attack toy or they feel unfulfilled, heck I have a staircase, and use a mouse on a string to wear out my cats by making them run up to get it then dragging it back down. They burn out very fast that way.)
One of the things I found useful for occasionally setting boundaries is "time out", ie, shut her in your bathroom for about 5 min when she's really bouncing off the walls. I wouldn't use it as a more than once a day kind of thing, but sometimes communicating "this is too much, we are not playing right now and you can come out once you calm down a little" can reset the mood quite a bit. And it can give you a short breather when you are feeling overwhelmed.
I'd also recommend watching some old "My Cat from Hell" episodes, they have some very specific advice that can help out a ton! Jackson Galaxy is really a cat whisperer, and also talks quite a bit about the relationship between not only the humans and the cat, but also coaching the relationship between people as well. It's important you and your fiancee are on the same page and work together.
Maybe you can start teaching her boundaries, by making one space in your loft off-limits.
Like don't allow her on the bed or on the sofa or whatever is your relax place. Be gentle, firm and consistent and she will lean that she isn't allowed at that exact space. Maybe that can give you a little distance.