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what would be the best way to tell your supervisor to stop inquiring about your personal life and mobbing you into opening up? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by sarah2653@lemmy.ml to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I'm an introvert. She feels insulted if I don't share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.

I wrote mobbing because that's what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don't want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she'll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.

She doesn't understand I need time alone to unwind.

She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.

I simply cannot win. It's tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.

It makes me want to quit.

I don't know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who's not a teamplayer and use it against me.

Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I've been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don't seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn't mean disrespect, but simply that I don't care about it.

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[–] MossyFeathers@pawb.social 4 points 2 months ago

Extroverts don't seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn't mean disrespect, but simply that I don't care about it.

I was on the fence until this. This is extremely unprofessional and, if I understand correctly, could even get the company sued. Here's how I'd personally handle it; but take this with a grain of salt because I've never actually had to deal with something like this before:

First, talk to a lawyer. Tell them what's going on an get their thoughts and suggestions. The suggestions following may be way off-base.

Then, start keeping track of every time she brings something like that up, and log how you responded, how it made you feel, how she reacted to you response. You're collecting evidence for a lawsuit on the basis of a toxic and highly unprofessional work environment that'll hopefully never actually happen.

Once you have enough info that you could potentially launch said lawsuit, double-check with your lawyer and then you go to HR.

YOUR LAWYER WILL LIKELY TELL YOU THIS: DO NOT THREATEN A LAWSUIT. DO NOT EVEN HINT AT A LAWSUIT. DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT A LAWSUIT, PERIOD. IF YOU MAKE ANY MENTION OF LEGAL ACTION THEN YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING A POSITIVE OUTCOME FROM THIS MEETING. THEY ARE ALMOST GUARANTEED TO FIRE YOU AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LAWYER UP. THEY MAY EVEN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY EVIDENCE IF THEY THINK IT'S PREFERABLE TO A SUCCESSFUL LAWSUIT.

Make sure you log your interaction with HR as well; what you discussed, if you felt your concerns were heard during the meeting, and then make a follow-up log a week or two later to note if there was any change as a result of your meeting.

If there was no change, talk to your lawyer and consider trying again (and log everything again), and again, do not threaten, mention or even hint at any kind of legal action whatsoever. You're trying to give the company ample chance to respond to your concerns.

If there was still no change, go talk to your lawyer about the possibility of pursuing legal action. It could be legitimately worth it, especially if they decide to fire you after your first or second meeting with HR.

Your goal is to have a paper trail so long and thorough that you can hang them with it (figuratively, in court) if necessary.